I came crashing into this realization just a few days ago. This isn’t the run of the mill being slow or even painfully slow in trusting. This is a core fact that I do not trust anyone at all. And yet I still operate and function mostly without this causing interesting effects. Mostly.
I don’t want to get into how this realization came about. That it did is enough.
The thing is I know people are capable of anything and this isn’t restricted by morals or circumstances. For me to trust someone, I would have to believe that they are incapable of hurting me in any and for under every possible and impossible circumstance. Knowing that people are capable of anything is easily confirmed because I am unable to be sure of what I’d do or act in any hypothetical scenario.
I can and have developed a level of comfortability around people. It does take a bit of time for this to develop. It does not erase the fundamental fact that I, at my core, I know people are capable of causing harm out of nowhere and at any time. It means I am wary. I am always wary.
Diving deep into myself and seeing how deeply rooted this is, it is foundational. I don’t even know when those foundations were set but it’s early. That caught me off guard with how early it goes, younger than age three.
I talked to my hubs about this, about working to undo this and he told me, not too. He said that this has basically kept me alive all these years and it’s been successful. He said he understands my reactions at times and doesn’t fault me for them, that it’s understandable considering what I’ve gone through. All that may be true but it still bothers me.
I’m starting to see some of the effects this core rule has on me. Feeling unable to rely on others in a crisis, always carrying at least a low-level awareness of vigilance, over analyzing situations and words and protectively reactive to interpretive provocation, which means I don’t always react as I should to what others do or say.
It was an interesting conversation. He made sure I understood that he didn’t want a slave, he wanted an equal partner in life. And that because he wanted a partner and not a slave that he was okay with this aspect of who I am. He views it as making me stronger, that I am able to survive and thrive, that my survival instinct is strong and that he wanted a strong mother for his children, to protect and raise them.
As much as those words make me smile, it also upsets me. I understand now my lifelong quest for a Master was really a quest to find someone I could trust, fully, completely and without reservation. I am left with much to ponder on.