Obedience is not on the table.

I could not obey because I had no reason to obey.

Submission doesn’t come easy to any of us. Being DID makes it a challenge for our spouse, lovers and to those who engage in power exchange when they briefly dip their toes in our life. I don’t let many people in. Those who I have let in, stayed for decades. Except, those engaged in power exchange; those didn’t make it past the rapids that surround the moat.

I used to think I was slave. There is a part of me that is that. There is a part of me that is anything but that. Unfortunately, that gives the PE types whiplash. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotions, moods, ways of being, viewpoints and tons of contradictions. I’m part-changeling. I can be your favorite dream, your worse nightmare. I can be your perfect slave when you feel the lowest but it won’t last. I’ll be back to fighting with you when you’re on the top of the world. I’m too damn independent. Even when I sink to my knees, there is a part of me watching, judging you and me. That part, guards all of what I am. She can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. She determines if the relationship continues. She’s far more tenacious than a pit bull when set in course.

Even I bow down to her power over me. For she keeps us safe and sane. She protects us even from ourselves. She’s got the balls to make the hard painful choices. In reality, it is her standards you have to live up to. It’s her eyes you are judged with.

You may be wondering why this is? I did too for a long time. Autumn is the protector and has been for a very long time. She took on all the abuse. She’s the one who carries the load of the emotional scars. She’s the one who learned to say no and taught me to say no. She chose her own purpose long ago. She made the choice to shove me out, to endure the abuse. She sheltered me with herself and preserved me.

Why does any of that matter? I don’t know when it happened. As I’ve become more aware of the others, talk with, share with and accommodate their needs and desires; there has been a bleed through, a blending of basic psychological operations. Autumn’s ability to say no, cuts right into my ability to engage with others. Before, I would be wailing as to why I could not do a thing nor could I explain why that is. Now, I can. I see how each of us are joined to each other, influencing each other, affecting each other.

I’m getting a better idea of the “whom” that I am.

Blind obedience endangers me and thus I am unable to engage on that level. Obedience because that’s how the relationship is structured is blind obedience. I have no screaming urge inside me to kneel. If I am to ever kneel, it is with forethought and deep consideration. Emotions are not our driving life force. There is no great urge to serve. We have a devotion to duty, first and foremost. And we don’t give a shit about everyone who gets allergic about the word duty. I’ve had enough with dickheads trying to convince me that upholding duty was a dry affair and that service was better.

Still a bit bitter and raw over that.

All this is just part of an ongoing autopsy of a previous power exchange relationship. I had no reasons for obedience. I had other things to do and he hadn’t ranked high enough. I had no tolerance to stroke his ego. I saw no purpose in most of his orders. I saw danger in many of his orders.

I went through a self-imposed hell. I was afraid and I kept walking back into the fire. I kept learning, growing. I kept walking into that hell. Till the day I walked through the fire instead of stepping back.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.
-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek-Next Generation

Airing out Dirty Laundry

Anger. It’s a powerful emotion. It is one I am finding saps my creativity like nothing else ever has. It’s been two days and I’m still so angry, I just don’t want to think about it. I start fuming and I get all prickly and touchy and I swear you could see the smoke pour out from my ears.

Aries. My boi. He would have gotten away with this with Isa but not with me. And he pulled this shit with me. This same man I’ve known sense I was 14, this man who blew my world apart last November with a bombshell confession, this same man who’s begged me for years to be my slave, this same who says he’s in love with me has pissed me to the highest levels possible. Those who know me, slink around in fear that this is ever zero’ed in on them. I hate watching them slink but right now it’s in everyone’s best interest to leave me the fuck alone. I am not calm. I’m seething.

A couple months back I took him on as a slave, got into deeper conversation even gave him simple assignments. Got nothing back. Not surprised. I didn’t even get a decent reason for it. I left him be. This is not unusual. Our talks are sporadic and always have been. One day he puts a need on the table, he needs the contact, frequent contact. Okay, this is something I can work with. A huge challenge for me as there is a thing as too much contact. Aries is a wanting daily contact and that’s way too much for me. But I can learn and adjust and seek that middle ground. I found a nice mix, about three days a week and once on weekend. Phone calls turned out to weight more for him so a few hours of my time to talk worked nice. Things were getting comfortable. We don’t live near each other anymore. And chances are we may never live near each other again. There is a lot of pain in that statement.

Aries started doing behavior I’ve had issues with in the past, the endless fantasizing and dragging me into it. It never mattered if it was about sex, or winning the lotto or just dreaming of living near each other or reliving what we had done in the past. I can only take so much of it, about 3 is where I flip out. I have issues with cycles and at three I kick in the stop the cycle. If I don’t I’ll get lost counting whatever it is, or repeating whatever it is. I will not follow him on this pointless fantasizing.

His wife doesn’t like his cross-dressing or his propendency to fantasize. But she’s happy with me filling in for whatever needs he has. I get it. It takes a lot of stress off her and she knows I’m not gonna run off with him. She cooks what he likes and I don’t. I still chuckle how it comes down to the kitchen and a man’s belly. But okay..off track… I work past my need to vanish with his cycling in fantasy and end up talking about what it means to him to be a slave. This is where things go off the rails.

He knew how serious I took this. I told him. And he’s just wanting bedroom sexy fun times with him directing all the things he wants to experience. That’s fine and dandy. But not with me. I’ve already been over this to hell and back with him. I’m not going to sit on the phone and talk about all the things we could do if we had the money or were closer. I’m not interested in bleeding my heart onto the pavement for him to get his rocks off. So, all this I’ll be your slave was just him doing whatever he thought it would take to get me to participate.

Then Sunday happened. I missed a few of my meds and payed for it painfully. I spent about three hours that morning having both my legs cramp and pull repeatedly. The pain knocks me back out and I sleep till they pull again, seven to eight times each. I manage to drag my ass up and pop a double of my pills and text Aries back. I let him know what was going on.

Me: Well hello. Sry I fell asleep last night and still waking up.

Aries: Its ok
Aries: In just bored and want my Autumn

Me: Sry

Aries: Not your fault. I moved away

Me: Let that go.

Aries: Ok

Me: I spent the last few hours with leg cramps from hell.

Aries: My stomach is turning

Me: Why?

Aries: Something I ate

Me: Oh

Aries: One of my coworkers game me a breakfast burrito that is not agreeing with me

Yes, that was a slow burn as I recognized it for what it was. I knew Aries was selfish but I had no idea how selfish he deeply is. I’m still fuming. Not once did the conversation ask me how I was doing or what had happened. Not once did I feel like there was any care or concern for me. And this is the man who dropped the bombshell on me that he was in love with me sense we were kids and he was too scared to admit it, the same man who chased and begged me for years to be my slave? What the hell is this?

If this is the love he’s got, it’s not worth piss.

Past Panic Attacks

Autumn is permitting me to share a journal page I wrote on 3/1/2019. Autumn’s words are in italics. She’s having me post this so I recognise how far I have come from that place and as a reminder that she won’t let us go back that way again.

 

3/1/2019
Ohh, she’s gonna let me write!
So much I want to say I’m concerned I’m about to ramble all about. I mean I just want to go back to writing poetry to him. I want to tell him so many things but then I remember that he’s not talking to me anymore and it just sucks but I have to deal with it. I want to tell him I panicked when the browser brought up a blank profile for him. My heart was beating so fast and I was starting to inhale rapidly. I was panicking! It was horrible. The idea that his words would be gone from me forever just crushing. It’s the only thing I have left of him and I know it’s soon to be gone. I don’t know what I am going to do when G+ shuts down. I don’t know if he’s gone somewhere else like MeWe or is he setting up somewhere. I’m scared. I know I’ve been silent but he doesn’t read me anyway so it’s not like it matters. No matter how much I wish I was on his mind, I have to trust him that I am not, that I am something he’s forgotten about, something he doesn’t care about anymore. And you know what? That really sucks. It really sucks. It’s like there were two of him, the poet and then the Master. I fell for the poet but the Master terrifies me. And I know the Master speaks through the poet which makes this even stranger. Because the poet is the voice of the Master. I’m in pain right now and all I want to do is wiggle back up to him all over again. But I stay silent. Well, silent in that I’m not sending him emails or messages on G+. I want to talk to him but it’s because I want to reestablish some kind of relationship, friendship, something instead of this giant gaping emptiness. I have to remind myself that this emptiness is what he wants from me. He, I failed and that was that. It didn’t matter how much I crawled forward, I failed. I’m not even sure what I failed at. I failed him, I know that but how? What did I do again that fucked things up? Autumn is still mad as hell at him. I’m not sure if I understand it. No, she’s not civil about it. I’m not sure if she’s correct. I mean, he did help. He did give us ways to calm down, did give us a way to help function better, did set the groundwork in place to get better. He just had no patience with us. He didn’t understand I’d come back. He didn’t understand that I had to walk away to gain space to calm down but I’d come back again. He didn’t understand that my acting out was from pain, from deep pain that as Autumn is explaining to me as past traumas. He didn’t understand how hurt and fragmented we are. He didn’t understand that even though we were terrified, we kept walking forward towards him. Hell, even when Autumn finely fucking bent! It was too late. She was finely bending and it was too late. Autumn tells me we expected way too much from him, that he’s not a therapist so he can’t be expected to know what to do. She reminds me that he owed us nothing because he never wanted anyone to depend on him. Autumn tells me I keep trying to depend on him when I shouldn’t and that I need to stop it. She says its a direct violation of his wishes and we need to honour that. Do you think he talks to all the girls the same way? The same slow sexual talk that leads up to those deep dark things that terrified us? Or do you think he was feeding off of our terror? I can’t tell which is which. Was he trying to help us and just unprepared or was he farming us for our fear? I can’t tell.

You have to let go of what you want him to be and to accept him as he is.
You have to let go of the magical wishing of things to be better and to accept reality is that he doesn’t want you anymore.
You have to let go of the fantasy that he’s waiting for you to grow and learn and accept that the silences are because he is busy doing other women and living a life that doesn’t include you.
You have to let go.
You have to let go Isabella.
You have to let him go.

Love without Trust is nothing.

Originally I posted this on G+ on Jan 5, 2019, but as it’s shutting down sooner than expected and I wish to keep this, I’m transferring this here.

How did I lose him? By being myself. No, no, that’s the lie. I didn’t lose him because I was myself. I never had him to begin with. He was never something to own. So I never lost him. Can’t lose what you never had. Can’t own a person so you can’t lose a person. So what in the hell did I lose?

A relationship. That’s what I lost. Why? On both parts, a lack of trust, both not listening to each other, both not communicating properly, both not taking the time to build the relationship in the first place and a break down in trusting in a repair process of communication. When he said he no longer trusted me, I stopped trying. I refuse to build my house on sand anymore.

I don’t trust him and it showed. I wasn’t treating it like a relationship in the first place. My own issues are too much for him. And you know what? That’s okay. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And neither is he.

I wanted to trust him. I kept trying and I kept failing. So, in reality, the relationship broke up because I was being myself. I was being authentically me, with all my insanity. And you know what? That’s really okay. It wasn’t meant to be.

He can say till he’s blue in the face it’s because I lied and I will shake my head. I should have Never put up with that accusation from day one. I put up with too much bs that broke my trust him. Yes, he’s brilliant. Yes, he’s incredibly insightful. Yes, he’s downright amazing. He is also very human with all the flaws that means.

But here’s the thing, the man who stays with me will do so because he loves me for who I am, flaws and all. He’ll make sure I know that we’re secure no matter my issues. He’ll make sure he’s standing by my side through it all. And if he falls, I’ll be right there beside him helping him stand back up.

I won’t have to worry about everything breaking apart because of a disagreement. I won’t have to worry that silence is a punishment or abandonment. I won’t have to worry that he’s talking to others because he’ll trust me enough to share even that part of his life. I won’t have to worry about what he’s thinking because he’ll tell me. I won’t have to worry that his disappointment in me because I did something he didn’t like, will lead to a breakup. I won’t have to worry about walking on eggshells around him. I won’t have to worry about the mind games playing out because they won’t exist. I won’t have to worry about a whole lot of shit because I won’t put up with it.

That part the sucks, is that I love him. Flaws in all. shrugs It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. And it will be okay for you too.

If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are, they can fuck the right off. Fuck ’em!

Getting out of bed isn’t so bad.

It’s been a good day. The morning is a bit odd. There exists a twinge of compulsion from Isa but I push it back. I’m forcing her to break protocol and in essence disobey. I refuse to allow her to submit again. It must go though me to her or not at all. As I am the highest authority in the system anything less is counterfeit and will be removed. I had to express that. It tastes bitter on my tongue still even though it’s been a good day. Better than good, actually.

The daily routines are holding well. Adding limitations was the trick. She would work until hospital standards were met. Her body would collapse long before that was achieved. In many ways she has no concept of when enough is enough or when to stop. I exist as her limiter, then rules, then what is physically capable. sigh I feel her behind my eyeballs at times. She’s given me a bit of a heart by sharing with her. It hurts now to be the bad guy even when it is necessary.

Our husband brought us home a bike. It’s nice. I haven’t ridden in over 20 years and I still got on all shaky. Now we are a biking household! Four bikes, four folks and plenty of time in the sun. This feels good. More inner-connection, more shared activities. And Saturday, I’ll fire up my Minecraft server and we’ll all play together. I may even stream that. Maybe. I’m undecided.

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I rarely talk about my relationships here. My boy Aries, oh he demands a lot of me! Long distance relationship though but we’ve known each other for a long long time. I provide for him what his wife does not, acceptance without judgment and control. (Now, you in the background who just choked on your drink, I see you.) He had chased me down for decades to be my slave. I had refused him so many times. How can I, do him any justice as a Mistress? How is he able to accept me switching out? How do I do this ethically? I still have a ton of questions. After I decided I would accept him, I called his wife and had a long chat and her blessings. There will always be limitations on this relationship because I am not a dick and have no intentions of destroying what he has.

And I have a ton to learn. I picked up Vile’s “The Breaking of Sabrina” ages ago. Fun read but more like a primer of everything not to do. I grabbed Malkinius’s “I Can Do This” and read it in a single night. That one left me with a lot of chewing thoughts. I found OWNING AND TRAINING A MALE SLAVE By Ingrid Bellemare and have been giving that look over. It really clashes with everything I believe about consensual enslavement. Oddly I don’t have a problem reading works set for Male dominance with female submissive and I think that’s because my boy is a bit gender-queer, kinda like me. I’m not finding much of value in Femdom and that’s perhaps I am revolted by the philosophy that our boys are worthless worms who are inferior to their Mistresses. I have learned to respect the strength of will it takes to be a slave.

Aries’ depth of patience and trust is incredible. It was him whom convinced me that we could do this. So he is mine and I do not take it lightly. So much more to learn and unlearn. I am learning to include him in my life on a daily basis. We are teaching each other. He needs the contact and I need him to be pleasing when he does as well as me being receptive to him in my life even at that level. He needs that touch of control more when his life is spinning out of control. I’ve seen how it calms him. And I still chuckle and shake my head at how all this has turned out. Aries was Isa’s first natural Dominant. He awoke in her the calling of her submission. And now I own him and he kneels for me. And who woke my inclination towards dominance: kindergarten and then in third grade a freckled red-headed little boy.

Life is indeed strange. I’ll be around more often. I may keep Isa devoted to poetry for a measure of time. We’ll see. wink