You reap what you sow.

Next week a whole new insanity starts again. Here in Arizona, school starts up again. It’s a level of busyness that’s welcomed. I’ve had the kids take Karate classes this summer. It kept a nice routine going. Even had the in-laws came and stay for a week. Things are okay. It’s been a good summer.

I’m struggling again but I wonder how much is grief from old wounds, how much of it is just me? My mom’s birthday is on the 9th. I don’t remember a single day of it after she died. It’s a forgotten day. From July 11th to Aug 9th, almost always forgotten. The tail end of June is really rough for me. I still don’t want to look too hard into why. But the body knows, the body remembers.

How do I overcome these challenges?

I’ve been reading over old conversations with Dreamwalker and it’s very rough reading, seeing the villain really was me. I’ve not deleted one jot of his words and yet they stand in black and white testament to well a train wreck of hell. I can only take about 15 minutes of reading before I have to close it and I want to cry but I’m dry. It just hurts.

All is not lost. I can still learn the lessons he was teaching. I can still change and grow. I found my old five and ten-year plan he had me do. I half-assed it like nothing else. I was amazed. I need to redo it. I used to do these things for fun as a kid so what the ever living fuck was I thinking handing in that I will never know. It’s hard for me to think right now. I want to plan for the future. I have some goals but I need to do a break down on them, take a deeper look to see if I should keep them as goals.

These last two weeks have been eye-opening. Dreamwalker went silent and I about lost my mind in grief. My strength is nothing but bravado. I smacked up to just how much I’ve lied to myself. Losing his words was like I lost what was keeps me breathing. How can I say that I don’t trust him when I’ve depended on his words, his thoughts to guide my life still? I had never let go.

I have a lot of wants where he is concerned. But what I need is to stop waiting. As much as I want to hear him whisper “Good girl” in my ear, I need to have earned it first. I am unable to solve if he still wants me. I am unable to solve anything of this relationship. The fight was always inside of me, between holding to what I need versus what I am afraid of and my integrity held my feet into the fire until I found a way to run. And I’ve made him a part of me and it’s hard to run away from yourself.

Autumn was right in a way. We do push people away when they make us happy. We always have and we can trace this back into early childhood. But what we did to Dreamwalker was uncalled for and unprecedented in our history. I know I deserve abandonment. I did earn that. It’s a crippling thought that I’ve lost him forever. Even if it’s true, I refuse to let that be his legacy in my life. Through him, because of him, I’ve taken a harder look at who I am and how I act and who I want to be. I am Proud to have known him even for a little bit!

I need Autumn back and I need to be able to stay. I need to find that rhythm that makes the harmony in my life. I need Autumn’s strength and fortitude and I see she needs my empathy, compassion and ability to love. I need my Captain back in the seat so we can sail these waters again.

I fundamentally do not trust people.

I came crashing into this realization just a few days ago. This isn’t the run of the mill being slow or even painfully slow in trusting. This is a core fact that I do not trust anyone at all. And yet I still operate and function mostly without this causing interesting effects. Mostly.

I don’t want to get into how this realization came about. That it did is enough.

The thing is I know people are capable of anything and this isn’t restricted by morals or circumstances. For me to trust someone, I would have to believe that they are incapable of hurting me in any and for under every possible and impossible circumstance. Knowing that people are capable of anything is easily confirmed because I am unable to be sure of what I’d do or act in any hypothetical scenario.

I can and have developed a level of comfortability around people. It does take a bit of time for this to develop. It does not erase the fundamental fact that I, at my core, I know people are capable of causing harm out of nowhere and at any time. It means I am wary. I am always wary.

Diving deep into myself and seeing how deeply rooted this is, it is foundational. I don’t even know when those foundations were set but it’s early. That caught me off guard with how early it goes, younger than age three.

I talked to my hubs about this, about working to undo this and he told me, not too. He said that this has basically kept me alive all these years and it’s been successful. He said he understands my reactions at times and doesn’t fault me for them, that it’s understandable considering what I’ve gone through. All that may be true but it still bothers me.

I’m starting to see some of the effects this core rule has on me. Feeling unable to rely on others in a crisis, always carrying at least a low-level awareness of vigilance, over analyzing situations and words and protectively reactive to interpretive provocation, which means I don’t always react as I should to what others do or say.

It was an interesting conversation. He made sure I understood that he didn’t want a slave, he wanted an equal partner in life. And that because he wanted a partner and not a slave that he was okay with this aspect of who I am. He views it as making me stronger, that I am able to survive and thrive, that my survival instinct is strong and that he wanted a strong mother for his children, to protect and raise them.

As much as those words make me smile, it also upsets me. I understand now my lifelong quest for a Master was really a quest to find someone I could trust, fully, completely and without reservation. I am left with much to ponder on.

It’s not chocolate

As I sit here quite content in front of my new computer, I feel…spoiled rotten. And for the moment the phrase ‘spoiled rotten’ strikes me oddly. How do I mean to say I was lavished with things I like and it makes me uncomfortable even though I enjoy both the items and thoughts behind them?

My husband has been planning this series of purchases ever sense my laptop bit the dust. And I’ve stayed away from the process of selecting the components until today. We had to go out and pick a monitor and keyboard. Looking at the price tag was a mistake. I spazzed. He spoils me and I really feel spoiled.

I’m happy and giddy and uncomfortable and scared-all at the same time-all pretty high in intensity. It’s the second part I am unsure how to deal with. Never been comfortable with gifts and never been comfortable having what I want and like.

I have gotten better over the years with portraying a sense of grace in accepting gifts. But inside I haven’t gotten better with dealing with my emotions surrounding this. I know in a few months this feeling of discomfort with pass. Yet I want to tackle it now, deal with it and well stop feeling so icky about it.

Sometimes love doesn’t have tangible proof behind it. And this, today, was one of my husbands. He doesn’t tend to give me flowers and candy to show he cares. He just builds me a computer to the specs that I need and then makes it look awesome. And yes! I thanked him for it too.

Perceptions

 

good_bad_quote_shakespear

Years, that quote above has driven me nuts. For the longest time I’ve continually argued that the thought is missing a key element. Even digging into Hamlet and seeing what it is actually referring too, does lend a bit of support to my view.

I guess you could call me a believer in an absolute morality, that good and bad are concrete forms and in a sense unchanging. In a strange way I am actually describing that I am capable of believing in something so strongly that my views and thus actions are unwavering.

Yet, perception is something I’ve been deeply acquainted with sense I was a child. I was in the third grade when I wrote a paper dissecting the advertisement and marketing principals used in grocery stores. Okay, I’m still marveling about it all these years for it was so accurate even after all these years.  I was the bullied child from my classmates because I was marked by adults as “strange.” As I got older and learned how to manage perceptions better, I walked between sub-cultures in high school without concern of bulling or any problem arising from it.

I’ve often been puzzled by my perceptions. For who I am and where I have been, I should have been faced with heavy discrimination, bulling, sexism, sexual harassment, and other varied form of shit piles. I do believe there is truth in the phrase, we often create our own troubles. And far too often we have our nose right on the tree truck and still unable to see the forest all around us.

Perceptions are like viewing a specific rotation of a kaleidoscope. Rotate it a single degree and the view changes, morphing into something markedly different than before. Life isn’t static. It moves and changes and having a single view of anything feels disingenuous.

We get to choose how we perceive the world. We choose to put on one of a hundreds of different coloured glasses instead of trying on various pairs.

I look back and I end up chuckling. I expected no issues of being a woman in the working world and I had no problems, for the most part. Until I encounter people who believed women in the working world were some kind of problem to deal with. That’s been pretty much the lesson; it’s not a problem until someone takes their problem and tries to make it yours.

This is something I’m looking at in my life. I first acknowledge that I can choose what my perceptions are for any given thing, issue, problem. What are my perceptions? How can I change my perceptions? What needs work? In what way will this change benefit me?

It’s not easy pealing my nose off the tree so I can see the beauty of the forest around me. I’m working on it. I hope you are too.

 

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