Casting my eyes behind me

Old threads that pop back up tend to bring back a ton of memories. So, here I am perving on Fet and I run across an age-old question: can slaves have hard limits? What a cluster-fuck.

Basically, there are two camps; one says, of course, there are hard limits and the other goes well, I don’t impose any hard limits. Both sides go to verbal blows over this, cause frankly, one side is in denial or if they are telling the utter truth, they are super scary as fuck. If you can’t tell by now, I am in the camp of yes, I have hard fucking limits.

But I wasn’t always this way. Once upon a time, I was in that other camp. I didn’t want to impose limits on my Master. I had an inkling that there was something fairly tricky to all this slave business with limits and the removal of limits. And there is. There is a way, it is very possible to be that person who becomes a no limit slave. They do exist and yes, I find that scary as fuck.

I am a greedy person. I know this fact about myself. I want my cake and eat it too. Most of the time, I do. But in this, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that with this lifestyle. I thought it would be a piece of cake, pardon the pun, to find a Master who naturally had the same limits that I do. Yeah, um, I’m still striking out on this one.

And then I met Dreamwalker. I broke my head attempting to work my mind around being anything he wanted, that in being anything meant the elimination of all limits. It is far easier to love the whole world than to accept and take responsibility for being anything and everything. Oddly, both are deeply interconnected. You can only love what you understand and you can only understand that which you are….so yeah. Very mind tripy and extraordinarily painful.

I take words and promises very seriously now. I’ve learned how important that is, the hard way. Yet, I sit here chewing on obedience and what it means to a slave, to me. On one hand, there is a sense that a Master could or perhaps better said, should not order something they know cannot be obeyed. Yet, on the other hand, there is a daring that pushes against that, to hold obedience as the highest virtue, order and purpose. The only way for me to split the difference, so to speak, is to find the extraordinary.

I’m not even looking. I didn’t find it in the first place. But that’s a side tangent, back on track. Both camps are telling the truth from their own perspectives. It’s uncomfortable to look deep and explode this to its logical conclusions. It kinda ruins the magic when you look at how it’s all framed together. And I’m willing to bet, there are few slaves out there that were able to find their extraordinary. Or at the very least, their extraordinary hasn’t been put to the test, so the magic remains.

I want to say for me it’s impossible because of my issues with trust. But then why does impossible say I’m possible?

Yet, I know it is possible. I know all it takes is a fusing to two into one. That’s it. Fait accompli.

I just have no roadmap to this.

We need to talk.

It’s not often I feel the pull of the stars in my life. This cycle around it is pulling hard and not pulling any punches with me in my life. If anything, it makes a decent non-corporal scapegoat.

March 6th had things blowing up in my life from the moment I woke up to the moment I closed my eyes to sleep that night. Everything I thought I knew I learned I did not. Everything, since I was 14, was rewritten in a matter of hours. The world, my world was knocked right off its axis. I’m still processing all of this.

I am now looking, considering ending one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had. From 14 to 40 and I have the strongest feeling it is now time to end it. I don’t know if I am sitting here typing this in shock or in horror.

My metamores no longer live close to me. They are several states away and have been for a few years now. When we all had been closer, it was a good seven-year run together. But now, knowing what I now know, I can feel the need for a clean break, a clean ending of things.

I am married. I’m not a single woman raising children alone. I am poly and my husband is a happy satisfied man. I have no intentions of ever leaving my family, not even for a metamore.

sigh, I am not unfamiliar with long distance relationships. Until recently, I was involved with a quite a few. When I do this, I will be down to one long distance relationship, no play partners, no metamores; just my husband and me. I’m looking forward to that. Is that so strange?

I’ve been closing a lot of the doors to the past lately. It feels good taking a moment to pause and chew on this. I will still have a heart that falls often and a body that demands sensation. I will still be the same person I’ve always been. (I hear the laughter in the back row, hush now sweetheart.) Maybe I am closing a door on a larger chapter of my life, or am I turning the page to an even more exciting future? I know I am doing this for me. It’s time for me to focus on me.

The Question of Forgiveness

This has sat in my draft box since 30 May 2016. It’s a very angry response to the issue of forgiveness after my father’s death. It raises the hair on my arms reading this, feeling the anger roll off in waves. Time has passed and with distance, some perspective gained. At this moment in time, I’m still working on the idea of forgiveness in my head. For what I demand of others, I shall be held to account in myself.

I find it infuriating being told over and over that I need to forgive my abusers. I’ve heard many good-natured people tell me this bit of homely advice over the years. As if it’s for my own good that I should heed their advice. Well, let me tell you something, Fuck No!

I’m not sure where they get off, thinking they can pass on this tidbit of advice as if it’s the right thing to do when facing someone who absolutely refuses to forgive this crime.

It’s divine to forgive.
It’s for you that you forgive him.
You forgive so that you can move on.

Blah blah blah. It’s a crock of shit, that’s what it is. Not everything is forgivable nor should it ever be. Some things are so horrible that forgiveness is unattainable. And what is this phantom damage done to me if I don’t forgive? Oh, the old train of being able to move on with my life, the whole letting it go portion that is a part of recovery. I have moved on with my life. I don’t live in the past mixing in on my present. That’s what I’ve gained for myself, not him.

None of you get to the right to tell me or any abuse survivor that we need to forgive. It’s bullshit. It takes away our anger. It takes away the right to our anger and you don’t get to do that. I have every right to be angry and I am. As should any person who as lived with the shit I endured.

I have a right to my anger. And I have the right to not forgive him. This isn’t about being a good person and letting go of the past from a spiritual perspective. It’s about setting boundaries and standing firm.

Saying, ‘I forgive you’, is letting the other person know everything is okay, that it’s something that can be worked through and moved past. It’s something said for many things and rightfully so.

I choose to draw the line. It was my choice, my boundary. What was done to me is unforgivable. So why would I ever forgive him, either in life or in death? I will not.

And those who promote forgiveness carelessly do harm. I do not expect everyone to accept my choice. It’s been made clear to me that forgiveness is a very touchy issue.

Forgiveness isn’t acceptance. Forgiveness isn’t for yourself. It is rather the outcome of a conversation that makes restitution to the one who’s been wronged.

Say someone stole some sentimental things from me. And in the silence of this person’s actions, I become angry and upset. Is there any reason for me not to be? Say this anger upsets me so much I can’t confront this person over what they have done. Is this where forgiveness is given? Too many people I’ve met say yes. I could choose to let it go, let go of the anger. That is not the same as forgiveness. Letting it go is something done for myself, not for the other person. And let’s say this hypothetical thief, later on, confronts me and asks for my forgiveness. Now I have a choice. Have they been repetitive? Have they never stole from anyone else? Have they confessed their crimes? Have they tried to make things right with me? If the answer to each of those questions is a no, tell me why I should forgive them?

I wouldn’t be looking to restore a relationship with them. I wouldn’t be wanting to act like a friend around them. It’s not a matter of seeking revenge by withholding forgiveness. It is a statement of redemption or in this case, their lack of it. I would not forgive them. Forgiveness is wiping the slate clean, a pardon of past crimes. Restoring them to a condition of innocence, of not holding their past crimes against them. It would not be right to forgive a person who’s done nothing to earn forgiveness. To forgive carelessly opens up more doors to your own abuse. Forgive the thief in silence and he may again steal more. Forgive again, and even more is lost. Get angry. Stand your ground. Demand things change for if they do not change, no further relationship can be had with them.

Forgiveness is about relationships, you and the person who did you wrong but they must seek to repair that relationship that they broke due to their actions. Some relationships are permanently broken. Some things are simply unforgivable.

Additional Reading:

To Forgive or Not Forgive: That is the Question

Forgiveness Is Good, Up to a Point

Does “Forgiveness” Make Sense?

Why Forgiveness is Overrated

Why Being Unable To Forgive Makes You Smart, Not Weak

Why I Reject Forgiveness Culture

 

What makes or breaks a relationship?

Ever wonder about what makes or breaks a relationship? Being poly sure hasn’t given me any magical insight into relationships but it has given me plenty to think about. And as much as I would wish otherwise, being kinky hasn’t helped that much either in teasing out what makes relationships work best.

Both poly and kink communities are big on preaching about needs and wants. But I haven’t seen much help beyond trial an error on how to decide which is most important to pay attention to. So we are all doing the best we can. No one has that magic wand to wave around, no one can claim we do relationships better because if we can admit it, being poly, being kinky adds to the work a relationship requires.

Why would anyone add more work? It comes down to getting what we truly need.

I may be slower than most in figuring these things out. I tend to need to know all the details before I can see the full picture of things otherwise I never feel sure about how things fit. I’ve analyzed my own relationships ever since my first heartbreak searching for the answers. I’ve consumed a number of self-help books, relationship strengthens and all sorts of what not’s. Very little of all that has helped. There are a few pieces, words of comfort, bits of wisdom to be gleaned. There just isn’t any experts.  But in being my own matchmaker….Know Thyself!; is wisdom. Getting there is a whole ‘nother story.

Relationships are all dependent on needs of those involved and the goals, expressed and unexpressed of those very persons. I think most can relate in getting involved with someone who wanted something totally different that you in life. Sometimes, that just isn’t known at the time when the relationship starts. Life has a way of changing things when there is enough energy to produce change.

It’s often the needs that aren’t well-known that prove to be key. I could list a million and one wants but to narrow down what a real need is for me has taken me years. I’ve known compatibility: but on which level, in what aspects and where; can make the difference between thriving and collapse. The surprising aspect is just how important sexuality is turning out for me. Sex drive needs to be compatible so there is some wiggle room. But sexual arousal pattern, needs to match. There isn’t any wiggle room on this at all. Figuring out that sexuality can break down into parts has helped me find the broken pieces in my relationships. It’s clearing up a lot of confusion.

Ambiguity tends to drive me batty. I need clear boundaries, outlines and understandings. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this influences my relationship styles. I’m not sure anymore what I could call a vanilla relationship or where it sits in levels of control and corporation. I am either in control or I am following. If I am fighting for control or fighting to give up control, then it’s not a good relationship for me. I know someone out there is going “Duh!” but please understand this has taken me years to figure out. It’s taken me years to accept myself for who I am. I had to appreciate who I am to even see this clearly.

This is about needs that are far beyond looks, economic status, values and ethics or even religion. It’s not about if the toilet seat can be left up or down or even which way the paper should unroll. It’s not about how one slurps their soup or the way they laugh at a funny joke. It’s not about those deal-breakers that shatter everything. It’s about self-awareness of deeper needs that only comes after experience.

And I am still learning.

Know Thyself!
Do not Tire of Learning!
~ Delphic Maxims