You Are Full of It.

This is a lightly edited reposting of a “thing” I posted on FetLife.

Coercive power structures.

Lots of things in life just don’t translate. I would hope that most can recognize the dangers of a group pressuring an individual to conform to group standards, but I won’t hold my breath. I’m not into that kind of breath play.

Today on Fet, there has been a number of interesting posts about handling criticism, from group to individual level. My ax is totally ground on the group level.

I’ll make this super simple. So you’re the group leader and you want to ban someone. I hope you have some sort of rules, bylaws, something to reference so when you inform the person of their ban, you then cite the problem issue.

That’s it. Done. Don’t drag it out. You don’t want that person around anyway. That’s what banning is. But that’s not how I see it being used.

What I am seeing is this; Group says…if you don’t do this x, y and z then we will exclude you for x amount of time or until you change and comply with x, y, and z and by the way, none of this is covered in the bylaws, rules or anywhere. That sends a clear ass message-submit or leave. Well, Fuck You.

And organizers wonder why some people get seriously ticked the fuck off?
Fix your rules and bylaws. Stay on target. Don’t flinch.

But wait, that’s not the real issue here, is it? That action is like ban-lite or even a pre-ban, isn’t it? It’s the, you broke a rule and get slapped on the wrist, say your sorry and come get hugs. But that’s not the issue, not really.

It’s deeper than that. Much deeper. Some things are clear cut. I don’t want a known rapist attending a munch I organize. I won’t invite a stalker to my house for an event. And I’m a dick. I won’t let the drama brigade cross my threshold. That’s all me, an individual dealing with other individuals. But groups are a creature weird, different and strange and already screwed up.

Small Group Dynamics aka. “the local community”

The larger the group structure, the greater the power plays it contains.

Humans are weird. There is a general lack of consense for social norms, for traditions, for values: group or individual, for any number of things. But they form groups to set a standard in the things the group finds important. And then they enforce their own values and rules upon its members. Most of the time, this is agreed upon. Sometimes, someone takes exception. And this leads to a second factor dealing with bans.

You are a Heretic. Shame! Shame! Shame!

Ah, so you’re the one facing a group ban. You stepped on someone’s toes. You threaten to upset the power structure and naturally, you were removed from the group. Sorry, but your lack of foresight led to this. Really, does anyone believe that when Martin Luther nailed his points on the church door, that the church wouldn’t strike back and strike back hard? It was just the hill he felt was worth dying on.

And it split the group. Welcome to the next level of group evolution. Congratulations, you just birthed a splinter group. If you fail to act fast and with love and humility you just might lose any control of your ideological child. Eh, well, groups rarely make good parents. It can happen. Maybe it can happen to you. Worth a shot? Make a friend now so you don’t have an enemy later, hmm?

The Takeaway

You can only do so much. You can’t stop peoples’ dickish behavior. You can set boundaries, ie. rules. You can hold those boundaries, ie. enforce the rules. Too often, anything more than that or less than that creates the dreaded drama monster. That drama monster can eat the entire community for breakfast.

TL/DR

It takes a Dick to herd cats. It takes a Dick with rules to run a community.
And some Dick’s just aren’t worth dealing with.

Yup. No advice here, none given. Just commentary.

I refuse to celebrate Woman’s Day

It’s everywhere on social media – Happy International Woman’s Day. I won’t click a like or a plus or share any of those postings. The whole movement of Women Power I want to divorce myself from. It has gone way too far. It is no longer about equality but superiority. I do not want anything to do with that.

There was a dream of equality, where men and women could pursue their desires without ridicule, without social stigma. Now it is acceptable to shame men for being male. Now it is acceptable to shame women for being female. Now it is acceptable to shame. I find that unacceptable without equivocation.

I have experienced sexism in the workplace. In fact, I experienced more of it in dealing with women! I’ve worked in male-dominated industries without dealing with untold amounts of sexual harassment from men. But sexism, I got a lot of that from women.

Now, I’m not a butch, not a lez. I am undeniably female. Long hair, big big tits and wide hips-I cannot hide my gender even if I wanted too. I am not fragile. I am built for endurance and hard work. Ten hour days of physical labor would leave me just as tired as the men but I still had hours ahead of me of more work to do. The whole house chore inequality between sexes is a real thing. But frankly, that is more a relationship issue than a social one. The thing is, if I could not have kept up, I would have been washed out and dismissed. And that would have been fair.

Not all women are cut out to do the work I was doing. Hell, not all men are cut out for it either. But the thing I’ve noticed, in tough working environments, it’s about getting the job done and never about what’s between your legs. And strangely, in working environments where most anyone can do the work, sexism pops up it’s ugly little head. Where before women were screaming about sexual harassment in the office, it’s now going to be men screaming. And soon after, women will be silenced about the sexism of their female bosses. All because women power won.

That was never my fight. I wanted equality. I wanted the acceptability to pursue the work, the life and the loves that I desired. I had that for a little while. The women like me, that come after me, will have to be tougher than me. They are going to have to fight harder for the equality denied them and everyone.

I march to my own drummer. So be it.

Equality for All.

Deepish Thoughts

I just need to talk today.  So I’m going to talk.

I’m having a hard time squaring a few things about me, my sexuality, my kink.  I’m finding that my view of slavery and of marriage simply does not square at all.  It would have if I had managed to marry a Master. But I didn’t so I have obligations to my husband and children. And none of this squares with how I view M/s relationships at all. Hell, I tried. I figured that online – long distance – telephone only relationships were a bit more of a D/s than M/s and that would be all I could reasonably handle. I’ve failed at that too.

My inner editor is screaming for an explanation of what M/s is to me. Maybe I should say O/p instead or internal enslavement. Maybe I should just name drop – Tanos. I ran across Tanos’ website long after I was married and back then it resonated with me hard. But back then I thought my head was on straight when it’s clear now it’s never been.

This just won’t square no matter how many times I squish it.

And I do not like what I see as choices.  For all that I’ve done hunting for the elusive unseen “other” choice, I have not found it. I can’t split the difference. This is my Kobayashi Maru and I am no Kirk.

Today of all days

OMG This country has gone fucking nuts. Hurry up people and make pot legal and get this country stones off its ass so it can only think about where to get the next round of munchies.

Too many people want to fight. Too many think they are right. Too many people willing to risk Other’s lives. Too many people want to die. All you fuckers are crazy beyond belief. This isn’t the land of brave or the free. Welcome to the US, where our souls are sold for dollars and our hurts manipulated for those cyberlife hours. It’s all a scam, the news isn’t real. Everything is upside down – right is wrong and wrong is right and no body knows why or how it flipped one day. I can hear the drums of war playing on the television and piped in on the net. And all you dumbass are falling for it. Puppets, puppets, thinking you are doing righteous acts – saving your people – your cause – your life not even realizing you’re the cause – you’re the cause it’s all dying. “Stand up!” they scream calling you to the ranks of protest – puppet fodder – cannon fodder – you don’t even know who’s calling the orders – your mind’s been clouded too long with emotions, addicted to feeling good, feeling oh so heavenly – on the cause of heaven and right – and so damn blind. You can’t see what your doing – your damn nose is stuck up the tree and you can’t see the forest burning. Everything good that should be stood for – all thrown away – deemed an inconvenience to the progress of the cause. If you’re so willing to throw away honesty, throw away humility, throw away compassion, throw away justice, throw away progress just because your cause is willing to sacrifice that as a loss to the greater good – now that’s the upside down thinking right there. Throw the world topsy turvy – confuse the population – start riots and fighting – destabilize the rule of law – increase the disrespect for society and their fellow man – demonize anyone who disagrees – you got the perfect recipe –
to .. really? And you want me to spell it out for you too?
Wake the Fuck Up Already!

Oh really? Today is what?

It’s quite funny, today is International Woman’s day and I haven’t the slightest bit of interest in it. Never heard of it before and I’m sure it’s going to be used as some bellwether for a political movement or some such thing. I see social media references to protests. I just shrug and move on.

Somebody pretty important to me recently said they were going ‘radio silent’ for a while. Okay, everyone needs to do that from time to time. Not a big deal, right? Except, they are still pretty active on social media. Right. They just didn’t want to say they had no interest in talking to me anymore. Oooookay then.

So, in the interest of International Women’s Day, I suggest you be honest to the women in your life. At the very least you get to say you participated in celebrating this day. Win – Win for everyone!

Anyways, by the time International Men’s Day rolls around, I’m sure the guys can present the world a list of celebratory actions to partake in. Just sign me up for the cooking. I’ll put on coffee and make a feast.

Left of Center

It’s strange that I’m not used to it yet. I am almost always the oddball, the extreme line, the other viewpoint, the devils advocate; I am often the one not expected to be in the room. I’ve gotten used to ignoring personal bias in favor of believing that such thoughtlessness could not be malevolent. Just how off left of center am I?

Well, I carry a lot of labels at anyone time. Female, mother, sister, daughter, wife. Bisexual, Polyamorous, open marriage, multiple partners. Kinkster, submissive, slave, switch, Domme, online, real life. Religious, liberal, UU, Pagan, Eclectic spirituality, convert, humanist, agnostic, mystic.

I could keep going on with the labels but it’s like this in most areas of my life. I always seem to be quite a bit over to the far ends of things on what it feels like most subjects. So I am perhaps a bit more aware of everyone’s personal bias and assumptions. It’s natural to think everyone else around is like you, even if they are not. I even fall into that trap myself.

Especially over polyamory.

And where does polyamory get the short end of the stick? The kink community.

I attended an online discussion the other night and as insightful as it was, I walked away quietly seething. I was once again sitting on the far left of everything. And because words are powerful, I listened and recognised that everyone was speaking from inside their own bubble of biases and viewpoints and assumptions. But it’s those biases and assumptions that have me seething.

Single, heterosexual, monogamous kinkster is not and should not be viewed as the mainstream in BDSM community, either on-line or not. People make up such wonderful varieties of personal expression, that to speak with the assumptions that everyone is that flavor of cookie is incredibly rude.

For all that the community does in trying to be open and accepting, sometimes it falls down to how much the individuals of the community are willing to be open and accepting.

I’m Poly and married. Any idea how much I get to hear in discussions how married people are cheaters? Any idea how much I hear married listed as a red flag of danger? Any idea how much I hear scorn spoken because some Dom/me has more than one submissive? And if poly is mentioned, it’s quickly given a nod but the words and attitudes remains unchanged?

What ever happened to your kink isn’t my kink? What happened to all that acceptance that community has touted about? Human nature has again stepped in. Let’s be honest, we want to hang around folks that are like us. So, why do I constantly find myself on the far side of center almost every time?

Facilitators, speakers, presenters; words can hurt. A careless thought, an unquestioned assumption can do damage unexpectedly. The world has more variety, more variations than just the standard sugar cookie. If your words and assumptions only apply to one variation, are you aware of it; do you state that, are you willing to own that?

I am that person you could be accidentally insulting, degenerating, harming.
I am that far left off center but I look just like you too.
I am a part of the community but I don’t feel welcome to be me.

January 2015

January 2015

1) New Year Resolutions

With the coming New Year and saying goodbye to the past I ponder on the meaning of this yearly ritual. Watching the review shows, the almost funerary dissection of the past year, memorializing everyone that had passed away during the year, the endless testimony of those who had once again failed their previous resolutions and all the advice on how to make and stick to such a mental resolve….Why does it take A brand New Year for Us to decide to be better people than we were before? And yet most of us fail in this task if for no other reason that it is tradition to both make such internal promises and to fail them. Why is this?

Is it a white flag of hope we wave in the midst of the loud reminder of mortality? The awareness that our life does not last forever so we offer up promises to the Gods of Time trying to buy and bribe our way to a better, longer and more inspired and meaningful life as all the voices cry out at once to the heavens pouring out personal sorrows of the pains and afflictions of the year before as we review our life?

These broken promises, year after year made; held out before us as if proof that we can not do anything but fail. As if this is the proof of our eternal state of sin, this first stumble out of the race gates of the new year. And Yet we as a society have missed the essential flaw in this whole tradition. One should Never make a promise that they can Not keep. If there is so much a one drop of doubt, a promise should not be made. That one little change would turn the whole tradition and self flagellation’s of broken promises, knowable sins and mistakes into a procession of hopes, dreams, and goals to strive for. One little change in the way to view the endless cycle of the year that removes that equally propagated cycle of self-hatred that I could so easily point a finger at in certain religious circles that perpetuate the belief of sins, that can so easily cripple us emotionally.

The ending of the year is a sorrow and a joy, a celebration of life, death, hope and dreams and an eventual rebirth of all the good that is in humanity. It is a time of introspection as we await the return of the sun and the long days it brings.

Rarely have I made resolutions. As a rule I avoid making promises, to others and even to myself. I know that this year, I have broken that and in turn broke the faith to the One I made such promises too. Such is the learning of mistakes in life. And so before this year is over, I am looking forward to the next one; with hopes and goals laid out for once. Eager I am to see the Year begin…for I have no time to waste. My resolutions are not promises..but goals with deadlines as I chase my dreams into the future, resolving to strengthen my character, to stay on the path set out for me as I run forward with a glad heart, a thankful heart ever mindful of the present. I am joyfully alive!

2) Question:

At the ending of the Year, society seems to turn an eye backwards to take in the lesson of year, to memorialize those who have passed away before turning a focus inward and towards the future, making promises of change on every level. It feels very much American mainstream social thinking. What I wonder about is, how true is this? And just how much is done promoted by the media..

Do people actually make New Year Resolutions?

Do you encourage your children to do so or not?

Does it even have a place in religious viewpoints?

Is this purely an American social experience?