Perceptions

 

good_bad_quote_shakespear

Years, that quote above has driven me nuts. For the longest time I’ve continually argued that the thought is missing a key element. Even digging into Hamlet and seeing what it is actually referring too, does lend a bit of support to my view.

I guess you could call me a believer in an absolute morality, that good and bad are concrete forms and in a sense unchanging. In a strange way I am actually describing that I am capable of believing in something so strongly that my views and thus actions are unwavering.

Yet, perception is something I’ve been deeply acquainted with sense I was a child. I was in the third grade when I wrote a paper dissecting the advertisement and marketing principals used in grocery stores. Okay, I’m still marveling about it all these years for it was so accurate even after all these years.  I was the bullied child from my classmates because I was marked by adults as “strange.” As I got older and learned how to manage perceptions better, I walked between sub-cultures in high school without concern of bulling or any problem arising from it.

I’ve often been puzzled by my perceptions. For who I am and where I have been, I should have been faced with heavy discrimination, bulling, sexism, sexual harassment, and other varied form of shit piles. I do believe there is truth in the phrase, we often create our own troubles. And far too often we have our nose right on the tree truck and still unable to see the forest all around us.

Perceptions are like viewing a specific rotation of a kaleidoscope. Rotate it a single degree and the view changes, morphing into something markedly different than before. Life isn’t static. It moves and changes and having a single view of anything feels disingenuous.

We get to choose how we perceive the world. We choose to put on one of a hundreds of different coloured glasses instead of trying on various pairs.

I look back and I end up chuckling. I expected no issues of being a woman in the working world and I had no problems, for the most part. Until I encounter people who believed women in the working world were some kind of problem to deal with. That’s been pretty much the lesson; it’s not a problem until someone takes their problem and tries to make it yours.

This is something I’m looking at in my life. I first acknowledge that I can choose what my perceptions are for any given thing, issue, problem. What are my perceptions? How can I change my perceptions? What needs work? In what way will this change benefit me?

It’s not easy pealing my nose off the tree so I can see the beauty of the forest around me. I’m working on it. I hope you are too.

 

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Life Isn’t Good or Bad; It Just Is

It’s been weird lately. It’s not just you.

The 6th of March arrived like a fire tornado, burning the underbrush everywhere it touched. My life was turned inside out in a matter of hours. Things that had been hidden were now, painful, revelled. And I, I suspect like a lot of us, were sitting down wondering what the heck just happened.

Mercury, that fancy shoed smooth talker of a planet, enter the House of Aries-right after leaving the House of Pisces. Communication moved from emotions to self with all the power of an advancing army. We got water burning! Boy, does it feel weird!

This isn’t a retrograde. I suspect that the Jupiter retrograde on the 8th gave this whole thing a kick in the pants. This is a giant recipe for change and there is plenty of energy to do it. So, what are we waiting for?

Do we sail these winds or what?

Help! They had a buttonhold on me!

It’s Friday again.

I think my roller-coaster stopped to let a few of my marbles off. Nothing like going up an down, up and down till you beg for mercy. Mercy!

I started planning this post a few days ago. Between wanting to pick up the gratitude journal again, which really needs to complete the switch to Monday instead and wanting to start a new journaling project; I’ve been ruminating.

I haven’t been pleased with a bushel of things in my life. All of them alone are minor quibbles but like dust-bunnies, they multiplied and ganged up on me. I’ve been held hostage for years by these things! Threating me to be that last dirt dish in the sink..a sparkingly sink…gasp..or to be that one Lego on the floor that makes sure I step on it first in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom…the horror..or even to be that one more thing…that breaks my back…’cause surely I can carry it all on my own. I yanked out my secret weapon! Back you, beastly feigns! I’m waving around my living room with a pen in hand as I start sword fighting with these beasts. And I laugh! I laugh! Deep and full rumbling belly laugh and BAM! glitter rains down all around me.

Teehee. I laugh. If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry over all that spilled milk that missed the glass. I’d rather laugh than walk hand in hand with sorrow.

That new journaling project I’m wanting to work on? It’s about self-compassion.

Stay tuned good folks out there and give it a go – laugh!

Deepish Thoughts

I just need to talk today.  So I’m going to talk.

I’m having a hard time squaring a few things about me, my sexuality, my kink.  I’m finding that my view of slavery and of marriage simply does not square at all.  It would have if I had managed to marry a Master. But I didn’t so I have obligations to my husband and children. And none of this squares with how I view M/s relationships at all. Hell, I tried. I figured that online – long distance – telephone only relationships were a bit more of a D/s than M/s and that would be all I could reasonably handle. I’ve failed at that too.

My inner editor is screaming for an explanation of what M/s is to me. Maybe I should say O/p instead or internal enslavement. Maybe I should just name drop – Tanos. I ran across Tanos’ website long after I was married and back then it resonated with me hard. But back then I thought my head was on straight when it’s clear now it’s never been.

This just won’t square no matter how many times I squish it.

And I do not like what I see as choices.  For all that I’ve done hunting for the elusive unseen “other” choice, I have not found it. I can’t split the difference. This is my Kobayashi Maru and I am no Kirk.

Oh really? Today is what?

It’s quite funny, today is International Woman’s day and I haven’t the slightest bit of interest in it. Never heard of it before and I’m sure it’s going to be used as some bellwether for a political movement or some such thing. I see social media references to protests. I just shrug and move on.

Somebody pretty important to me recently said they were going ‘radio silent’ for a while. Okay, everyone needs to do that from time to time. Not a big deal, right? Except, they are still pretty active on social media. Right. They just didn’t want to say they had no interest in talking to me anymore. Oooookay then.

So, in the interest of International Women’s Day, I suggest you be honest to the women in your life. At the very least you get to say you participated in celebrating this day. Win – Win for everyone!

Anyways, by the time International Men’s Day rolls around, I’m sure the guys can present the world a list of celebratory actions to partake in. Just sign me up for the cooking. I’ll put on coffee and make a feast.

Any excuse will do

Any excuse will do. Any excuse will do. It’s been repeating in my head for a couple days now. It started off soft and it’s gotten louder each time. It won’t be long before it’s screaming through my head.

Any excuse will do. I keep thinking about why anyone would spend thousands of dollars on a happiness workshop. Any excuse will do. I haven’t attended many conferences and workshops yet I’m convinced that nothing they could present is new. Maybe a new way of presenting it, maybe it’s paired with good music or the exercises were adapted to the ideas presented, but is that alone worth thousands of dollars? Any excuse will do keeps echoing in my mind. So these people are spending thousands of dollars for an excuse. Any excuse to do what? Be happy?

Be happy. I see lots of smiling faces, all a glow, bouncy energy flowing and for a moment I believe it. Any excuse will do. Some of the most smiling faces I know are also the most depressed faces I know. I see it and they don’t want me to see it. So I smile back.

How odd that the smile is used to express happy. A smile is a threat. A smile shows teeth, shows power, shows force. And this is what happy is all about? There it goes again, Any excuse will do. A real happy shows in the eyes. A real happy draws one upward into the soul. And now you know why eyes are called windows of the soul.

Any excuse will do.