Out of the Void

Someday I want to look back and see the progress that I’ve made and smile. I want to see how far I’ve come. I want to see all the bridges behind me, all the ones I thought I’d never cross, all the ones far in the distance, even the ones that were burning leaving nothing but fresh grass on the banks. I want to look out from up top the hill and look into the valley of my life, raise my arms in victory “I made it!”. Someday, I’m going to be standing there, happy as hell. It’s going to feel like winning the best race of my life. It’s going to feel great!

I can see the path up the mountain. It is a steep trek. Some places look likes going up a sheer cliff. The distance feels so far away from where I want to get to. I need to get to. The mountain is forming. For a long time, there was no mountain. I was left in a void, aimless, wandering. Now, I’m standing on the valley floor. The heather is soft and sweet water flows down the mountain. Everything here is a beauty, picturesque. The distant mist fades midmorning undressing the mountain. The sunbeams around the peek and I stand watching. There! That is the place I must go. I can see the shape. I can feel the form. The damp air clings to my skin. My lungs draw in deeply of the green here and strength me.

The soft soil under my feet reminds me I need to take measured steps. I must take my walking stick with me. I must have the balance to go on. I must be prepared for it is unknown if I will come back this way again. Today, I will take stock of my resources. Today, I will plan to scale the mountain. I remember the feeling of victory and I will have it. Someday I will look down into the valley and see how far I have truly come. Today, I look for the first time towards the place I want to be.

Tomorrow is a different moment.

There are days when I log into Twitter and I’m like “Thanos is a pussy. He only snapped half the universe. I could do a 99 and not even break a sweat.” And it’s at that point I log the hell off. Just way too much blood boiling insanity there and it sucks me in. I don’t like it.

I end up offline for a while, letting the soft notes of whatever is cued up in Spotify to lull me away. I zen. I get back to all sunshine and roses; loving the world and everybody. I go watch the hummingbirds buzz by. I end up euphoric and in love with everything.

Both are my realities. Both are authentically me. Diametric opposites.

I tend to err on the side of Love. Grateful I wasn’t given the power of the snap for I am sure, any excuse would do, no matter who carried such a burden.

In a few more hours my husband will be flying back to me. I’ll be teasing him with pretty little lies that one day might not be such a lie. We know this game well. I do it because I watch how he lights up and come alive. He makes it easy to feel the sunshine and zen. I still struggle with it deep inside. There is a conflict and I am learning to avoid nurturing a hurt.

It’s a simple hurt.

“Please, let me take your boots off.”

“No. I can do it. I don’t like it when you act like a slave.”

This is the place I don’t want to go to after my husband comes home. Right now I’m on the verge of tears because I realise, there is no one there but me to take care of me.


Offerings from the Draft Folder May 13, 2016 1:47 PM

Shhh, just listen.


Can you hear that?
Yes, right there…playing in the background. It’s music, it’s life.

I was talking with friends the other day about relationships. I made the comparison to music. Each note, each step in tempo, the softness, the loudness, every aspect of music can be compared to relationships. I’m sure I can draw the comparison even further, that music is life.


Random Thoughts

“We rule only because they believe.”

“Consent requires knowledge and understanding.”

“Trust is the framework upon relationships are built.”

“Keep only those who enrich your life with joy and laughter.”

“Your life is the result of the choices you’ve made. If you don’t like your life, make better choices.”

“She was strong. She was fragile. At times she was a child of nine with an adult’s wisdom and a child’s frailties. Other times she was stubborn as a mule. A seductress with a wicked smile and beguiling voice. Too many forgot she was trained to be so. Too many men fell to her boots as she cut them with her tongue. She was everything impossible in one body. She was woman. And she was in pain. She was a child of three, of nine, of twelve, of sixteen, a woman of 22 and later of 32 then 36. Her mind, scattered her rainbows across existence, as shards, some soft, others sharp. She did more than exist. She lived.”

You reap what you sow.

Next week a whole new insanity starts again. Here in Arizona, school starts up again. It’s a level of busyness that’s welcomed. I’ve had the kids take Karate classes this summer. It kept a nice routine going. Even had the in-laws came and stay for a week. Things are okay. It’s been a good summer.

I’m struggling again but I wonder how much is grief from old wounds, how much of it is just me? My mom’s birthday is on the 9th. I don’t remember a single day of it after she died. It’s a forgotten day. From July 11th to Aug 9th, almost always forgotten. The tail end of June is really rough for me. I still don’t want to look too hard into why. But the body knows, the body remembers.

How do I overcome these challenges?

I’ve been reading over old conversations with Dreamwalker and it’s very rough reading, seeing the villain really was me. I’ve not deleted one jot of his words and yet they stand in black and white testament to well a train wreck of hell. I can only take about 15 minutes of reading before I have to close it and I want to cry but I’m dry. It just hurts.

All is not lost. I can still learn the lessons he was teaching. I can still change and grow. I found my old five and ten-year plan he had me do. I half-assed it like nothing else. I was amazed. I need to redo it. I used to do these things for fun as a kid so what the ever living fuck was I thinking handing in that I will never know. It’s hard for me to think right now. I want to plan for the future. I have some goals but I need to do a break down on them, take a deeper look to see if I should keep them as goals.

These last two weeks have been eye-opening. Dreamwalker went silent and I about lost my mind in grief. My strength is nothing but bravado. I smacked up to just how much I’ve lied to myself. Losing his words was like I lost what was keeps me breathing. How can I say that I don’t trust him when I’ve depended on his words, his thoughts to guide my life still? I had never let go.

I have a lot of wants where he is concerned. But what I need is to stop waiting. As much as I want to hear him whisper “Good girl” in my ear, I need to have earned it first. I am unable to solve if he still wants me. I am unable to solve anything of this relationship. The fight was always inside of me, between holding to what I need versus what I am afraid of and my integrity held my feet into the fire until I found a way to run. And I’ve made him a part of me and it’s hard to run away from yourself.

Autumn was right in a way. We do push people away when they make us happy. We always have and we can trace this back into early childhood. But what we did to Dreamwalker was uncalled for and unprecedented in our history. I know I deserve abandonment. I did earn that. It’s a crippling thought that I’ve lost him forever. Even if it’s true, I refuse to let that be his legacy in my life. Through him, because of him, I’ve taken a harder look at who I am and how I act and who I want to be. I am Proud to have known him even for a little bit!

I need Autumn back and I need to be able to stay. I need to find that rhythm that makes the harmony in my life. I need Autumn’s strength and fortitude and I see she needs my empathy, compassion and ability to love. I need my Captain back in the seat so we can sail these waters again.