Obedience is not on the table.

I could not obey because I had no reason to obey.

Submission doesn’t come easy to any of us. Being DID makes it a challenge for our spouse, lovers and to those who engage in power exchange when they briefly dip their toes in our life. I don’t let many people in. Those who I have let in, stayed for decades. Except, those engaged in power exchange; those didn’t make it past the rapids that surround the moat.

I used to think I was slave. There is a part of me that is that. There is a part of me that is anything but that. Unfortunately, that gives the PE types whiplash. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotions, moods, ways of being, viewpoints and tons of contradictions. I’m part-changeling. I can be your favorite dream, your worse nightmare. I can be your perfect slave when you feel the lowest but it won’t last. I’ll be back to fighting with you when you’re on the top of the world. I’m too damn independent. Even when I sink to my knees, there is a part of me watching, judging you and me. That part, guards all of what I am. She can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. She determines if the relationship continues. She’s far more tenacious than a pit bull when set in course.

Even I bow down to her power over me. For she keeps us safe and sane. She protects us even from ourselves. She’s got the balls to make the hard painful choices. In reality, it is her standards you have to live up to. It’s her eyes you are judged with.

You may be wondering why this is? I did too for a long time. Autumn is the protector and has been for a very long time. She took on all the abuse. She’s the one who carries the load of the emotional scars. She’s the one who learned to say no and taught me to say no. She chose her own purpose long ago. She made the choice to shove me out, to endure the abuse. She sheltered me with herself and preserved me.

Why does any of that matter? I don’t know when it happened. As I’ve become more aware of the others, talk with, share with and accommodate their needs and desires; there has been a bleed through, a blending of basic psychological operations. Autumn’s ability to say no, cuts right into my ability to engage with others. Before, I would be wailing as to why I could not do a thing nor could I explain why that is. Now, I can. I see how each of us are joined to each other, influencing each other, affecting each other.

I’m getting a better idea of the “whom” that I am.

Blind obedience endangers me and thus I am unable to engage on that level. Obedience because that’s how the relationship is structured is blind obedience. I have no screaming urge inside me to kneel. If I am to ever kneel, it is with forethought and deep consideration. Emotions are not our driving life force. There is no great urge to serve. We have a devotion to duty, first and foremost. And we don’t give a shit about everyone who gets allergic about the word duty. I’ve had enough with dickheads trying to convince me that upholding duty was a dry affair and that service was better.

Still a bit bitter and raw over that.

All this is just part of an ongoing autopsy of a previous power exchange relationship. I had no reasons for obedience. I had other things to do and he hadn’t ranked high enough. I had no tolerance to stroke his ego. I saw no purpose in most of his orders. I saw danger in many of his orders.

I went through a self-imposed hell. I was afraid and I kept walking back into the fire. I kept learning, growing. I kept walking into that hell. Till the day I walked through the fire instead of stepping back.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.
-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek-Next Generation

The end of a Dream

All things come to an end, eventually. But for us, this dream we’ve had, I only say we ‘cause being a multiple-it’s really Isa’s dream, sense too young to know any better ends today. Today I put aside her dream of power exchange once and for all.

It’s my job to protect us. I take it serious enough that I don’t do this lightly. I no longer see any way to engage in any power exchange relationship of the kind Isa desires with any measure of safety. I don’t see any way for a part of us to stand as a slave to someone separate from the rest of us. For it is I who am held accountable to all the actions and promises any one of us makes and if I must use that veto power then I need to veto this ahead of time, for all time. As I am not willing to be a slave, as I am not willing to let go of limits, expectations of civility and respect, and the ability to say no, I am out.

I know it is possible for us as a system to be submissive, slave even. I have proof dating six years back of this but that man in all the ways that are important has moved on. Isa needed more than he was willing to give her and her choices were unfortunate. She broke trust and broke herself in the process. I am responsible for it all. The buck stops with me.

I don’t like the idea of cutting away this major part of Isa. But it is a dream deferred if not completely impossible. I don’t see how anyone will be able to scale the walls I’m building now.

Isa knew her Master would have to be extraordinary. That much hasn’t changed. Now the probability of that man existing has narrowed to a degree that makes this a fruitless prospect. You could consider this as me quiting. I think of it as re-pointing all of us to a different goal that we can single mindedly pursue. A Master is no longer our life goal.

Isa isn’t doing too good. I’m stuck out here without her. She’s quiet, too quiet. Right now it’s just a lot of self care, placing her back in places she’s always felt safe, turning tunes on that make her feel safe. This betrayal will take time to get over. It’s just not worth it.

All this upset, all this work and struggle and lessons gained just to face the final lesson, to learn to let go. So I’m forcing us to let go of a dream. I can’t let any of us hold on to the past. I need us to walk into the future happily and hopeful. The past is just gonna drag us down.

I have large dreams that don’t have a damn thing to do with sex or relationships. I will bury our noses into those. Hard work will keep the daemons of the past at bay, long enough for them to evaporate.

Odd thought to all of this, is that there is no way for anyone to master us until I master all of me. And when I do master me, what need I of a master then? For it has always been out of love that Isa knelt. She may love but never kneel until I can first. And that, sadly, my friends, will never happen.

Thoughts on ‘Power Exchange’ part deux

I was asked to clarify my position and if I thought the misconceptions between submissive and slave was brought on by the Masters. Looking at this now, I think I didn’t directly answer that. Whoops.

I’m flat out saying a great deal of these misconceptions is brought about by a lack of understanding psychology.

Most folks understand contracts pretty well, so misconceptions aren’t about contracts. And it’s not really so much as to the definition of slave or submissive. This is kinda like porn, you know it when you see it. And you know when it’s not when it’s not. But defining it gets illusive because each one looks different on the surface.

But there is at least one single defining characteristic that makes the difference between a submissive and a slave. Because this at best is consensual it looks like there is no difference. So it goes to the psychology of the s type.

And yes, I’m pulling a flat out, this is what it is unashamedly. I’m ignoring what one chooses to call themselves in this. Because one can say they are a slave and from what I see, they are actually on the journey to reach that point. And that is fine. I get where they are wanting to go.

Because this is very much a deep process of handing over internal and personal authority, each way there is different for each individual, couple, whatever grouping you have.

Once, they reach the point where saying no, no longer exists, where asking permission has become internalised, where seeking the pleasure of their Master is more important than their own; everything about them internally and externally reflects their Master – that is a slave. And they do not look the same because each Master does not look the same, nor wants the same. But the psychology is the same and the process follows the same pattern.

The psychology is about where the person places the control. Is it external or internal? Is it broad and scattered? Is it narrowed in focus? In a slave, it narrows to a single point, the external control of a Master. Everything flows through the point of the Master.

This is not at all the same as being dedicated to the relationship, the rules, the foundation and everything. That would be a case of the only difference between is what makes the internal psychology of each.

It’s a minor quibble in my eyes. Because in my eyes, someone who takes the label slave is just declaring that this is the point they want to reach inside themselves.

I’m not sure if that’s clear as mud or not. I’m finding it hard expressing this as I see it more as a visual circuit with and or and logic gates.

Thoughts on ‘Power Exchange’

I frequent Fetlife quite a bit. In one of the groups, I am a member of a question came up about how we felt about the phrase ‘power exchange.’  So I took a few days to think about this and posted. I’ll now share what I posted.

I like the phrase ‘power exchange.’ I think it is accurate shorthand for what goes in inside both D/s and M/s relationships. I find the whole idea of power really needs deeper thought and better explanations. Power in this context covers a broad range of ideas; personal power, power of authority, locus of control, even internal and external ego.

I do see an exchange in these relationships between the D/M and the s/s. With D/s it’s a frequent exchange between both. M/s it’s there but oddly one-sided on the M side.

A slave, what makes a slave, is that there is no longer and constant redeciding to submit, hand over their personal power, it’s now in a stable state of already given. Their locus of control is outside of them so they are pulling from the Master the very things they need to continue to function. Instead of a back and forth, there is now an inflow.

The Master is also no longer doing the back and forth dance and is in a stable state. However, his internal locus of control now contains someone outside of himself. So there is a greater degree of internal checking between those two states before extending his power, his external control and thus his dominance. It flows from the Master to the slave.

The feedback loop that is created in Master / slave relationships is within the Master, inside the internal locus of himself and his slave with the slave being completely dependent on it.

Break that loop and it breaks the relationship and the slave.


I know it reads very cerebrally. And I know I crammed a lot of ideas in very few words. I guess I’m putting this out there so others can ponder and so I can keep a record of it.


Thanksgiving 2015

me and my Master

I hope all my readers out there are having a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. This year me and my husband is cooking a classic family feast and I’m excited. Some of these dishes haven’t been made in a long long time. But today I want to step aside from all the cooking and talk about being thankful. Especial when one is going though major life changes.

Three years ago in May I attracted the attention of a man who would become my Master. We kept a long distance on-line relationship quite happily over that time span. And now during all the holiday celebration in the last months of the year, we are winding down our relationship and will be going our own ways, preserving the friendship that we both cherish.

I am choosing to celebrate our time together during these holiday celebrations instead of focusing on what is no more. The reasons for our separation are varied but it is a joint decision and one I can find no fault of logic in. Our lives and needs have diverged to the point where we can not be as we once were.

I never have really spoken about him in depth here on this blog and now I wish to sing his praises. He is the man who taught me to trust again, the depth of my submission and my ability to give. He stood by me in tough times. He supported me when I was hurting and needing a shoulder to lean on. He is one of those rare men, who accepted me, all of me as I was and never once made me ashamed of who I am. He has been my teacher, my confident and my best friend. Because of him, I learned to accept myself, to love myself. Because of his gentle nurturing side, I was able to find my way back to myself and heal all my parts into one. And because of his sternness, I learned to think deeper and to accept orders without myself getting in the way.

I respect and admire this man greatly. And I still have much to learn. His ethics, his nature and his strength of will has rubbed off on me. I still have much further to go, to learn and to become. I will live my life in such a manner that I will always know that he can be proud of me. There is much I owe him. I am the person I am today because he saw me and what I could be.

I am looking forward to a different kind of relationship with him. I have hopes that our long talks will continue. I hope that we continue to share our lives and happiness with each other. I hope we continue to support each other and be a needed shoulder to lean on. I hope the next steps on this journey is filled with more love for both of us.

I will be taking the time to heal and celebrate my life. I have several projects in the fire. It will be interesting to see how these turn out. Even more work on myself too.

Reflections and Memories

But Thanksgiving is held to be a day of joy. And it is. Sometimes even the most difficult things faced can be joyous if you choose it to be.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for the three years I had with him and in our continuing friendship.

Amor aeternus est

Between Love and Power

” Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other. ” -Carl Jung

I saw the above quote in my G+ feed and it brought clarity to an issue I’ve been struggling with for some time. In my own D/s dynamics both as slave and a Mistress, the moment deep emotions become involved, emotions like love there seems to be an equal loss of will in keeping the D/s dynamic alive, but it’s more on the D-type side. I lose the drive to exercise power.

If anything love seems to increase my needs to submit in s-type relationships yet it weakens my resolve as a D-type. Is this something that happens in your own relationships? I am wondering if it is a universal response.

I’m chewing on the idea that boundaries and discipline are equally needed to manage love within a D/s relationship. But my knee jerk reaction to all this is that love is something that should never been restricted yet that conflicts with the desires of a D/s relationship.

Perhaps balancing love and power is what D/s is all about or just my personal weakness that needs work. To love just a little less in the moment to get things done, is a sacrifice…becomes a sacrifice of love.

Response to KittenMaster25’s Blog “Never Again” posting

I’ve been reading this one blog since it came out. A lot of things have disturbed me in reading it. And so I am putting this out there because I believe she needs support from the community at large. I believe she needs to hear other voices, not just my own.  It won’t take long to catch up. But I am seriously wondering where one draws the line on a lot of issues such as abuse, punishment, help and support, age, and the narrow view that all of us readers and bloggers have in the private lives of others.

None of us can know the whole truth of what we bloggers blog about and that is what keeps me from commenting so often. I read and think. Sometimes I have to speak. This one, I have to speak and bring to awareness. Even so, I urge support.

My response to this posting is as follows:

I don’t agree with public shaming which is what I took this whole exercise to be but I am going to assume that somehow support will come your way in this. I am going to assume you don’t want to fall into the same behaviours all over again. I am going to assume you desire to change, for yourself.

You already know you have a problem and it really doesn’t have a thing to do with cheating. It has everything to do with you and how you feel and what you want.

I hope you take a moment away from everyone and sit down with just yourself and get to know who you are deep inside. Explore the scars and wounds of your life, learn to love yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. Learn to take responsibility for your life, your choices and your actions. Being a Slave in no way excuses you of that! In fact it adds to the responsibilities you already have.

Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t take on a label thinking that’s all you’re ever going to be, no matter the label. Learn to put up boundaries, healthy boundaries.Become self aware, notice your emotions as they pass through you. You are not your emotions. You can sit back and watch them pass by. You can sit back and watch the urges leave. You can sit back and take a second look at the whole situation and choose differently. You have to give yourself permission to grow, to heal, to change. But you have to want it, want to grow and change for the better.

You are so so so young. Life is still ahead of you in all it’s full glory. So quit beating yourself up. You are going to make mistakes. But has no one told you; mistakes are just learning lessons? They are and it doesn’t matter how old you are, mistakes will still be make.

There is a reason for each time you ‘cheated.’ You say it was to make yourself feel better, low self esteem and all that jazz. You wanted it, wanted to be touched, to be desired, to feel excitement, you wanted it even though you risked losing much. You put yourself in a powerless position..’just going along with it.” Why? Do you think you have no power, that you are helpless to the desires of men or to your own?

Being a Slave isn’t about being powerless at all. It’s about power. You have to be powerful to even begin to give away that power. Don’t think that being assertive and successful means you can not be a Slave. That’s not true. You need to know yourself and what you want in life before you can bend your will to another’s. You must have control of your will, or your personal power way before giving it to another.

I don’t frankly care how many guys you might have kissed or what not. I only care that your own behavior is distressing to you. You need support. You need a support network of understanding submissives. I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself. I know how hard it is to put yourself first with all your being is screaming to put others first. I know how hard it is to back up and put up walls against others. I know because I am a Slave to my Master.

You’re not alone. You’re not the first Slave to ever make mistakes. And damn, don’t sweat the small stuff because this is the small stuff.