Saying goodbye to someone you deeply love is heartbreaking. Being polyamorous isn’t protection against such hurts. Add D/s into the mix and you have a recipe for change that you better be capable of handling or otherwise you’ll drown under it.
And yet there are times saying goodbye is an action of strength, of growth. We may love that person but we have gone as far as we can in that form of relationship. Change becomes necessary to be a healthy person, releasing both parties to continue their personal growth. With luck, one day a different kind of relationship may be established, one without hurts and resentments and supportive of the best for the other.
I started blogging years ago with a single purpose in mind. I stated it no where and never mentioned it. Because I was afraid. You see, I was newly married and in shock to find out that my husband wasn’t as dominant as he first appeared. In fact, this was just one more log to add to an already burning relationship that I was internally willing to throw away.
Yet I had a yearning, a desire I couldn’t shake. I remember saying to myself, “Well, I’ll just write for my Master so he can know me.” I didn’t even have a Master much less a clear idea of what that entails at a tender age of 26 / 27. That became the basis of why I write. I have a huge need to be known. Even though the irony is that blogging is the one medium I deeply censor.
It’s that need, the need to be known and others that make love insufficiency. We can love deeply and still feel and be unfulfilled. It really should cause one to take a closer peek at their own personal needs. And for those of the submissive persuasion, an examination of what your needs truly are is in order. Today in my ruminations I have been shocked to realize that it is okay to have needs. And even more shocking, it’s okay to express them.
I have failed in several relationships to express those needs. They were so deeply repressed I only had faint whispers of a feeling something wasn’t quite right or as well as it could be. And I am now considering the possibility that having those needs met might mean the difference between happiness versus existence for me.
When I started writing this post I was thinking of several individuals who have impacted my life greatly over the last few years and in all the lessons that I have learned from each of them. Each one of them, I fell in love; some deeper, some not so much. I loved them all and still do in my own ways. And yet there is one where the love is so deep, the thought of never saying Hello causes me to weep. For him, I’ll be anything he needs me to be, best friend, friend, acquaintance, even a stranger if that is what is best for him.
I feel to the depths of my soul a love that drives me, empowers me to be more than I am, just so I can feel his smile, his pride settle on my shoulders even if that is all there ever is. And yet, love isn’t enough.
I want to say I am a slave but recent events in my life have called even that into question. What I know is that I am at least submissive and service oriented. I have limits, both internal and external. And I have needs. And I am happiest when serving and that service is both acknowledged and accepted. It is as if I was given all the energy needed to do the very things that makes me happy and empowers the one who I served.
But for most of my life my service to others have been in the nature of sacrifice not joy, of self-denial, not happiness, of pain, not pleasure. Those are second nature to me and quite dangerous. I neglect myself because someone asked it of me, unknowing most of the time. Being this, what I am requires a great deal of self-awareness and learning how to balance this core need to serve against my need for purpose in such a way that I support my health and happiness.
I want to say I live to serve but that’s not quite right. I live because I breath. I serve because I need.
And I have a choice; I can serve in sorrow and pain or with joy and happiness.
And service is not obedience. That is perhaps best left for a different posting but I wanted to point it out that it is not the same at all.
And love is not required to serve. Because service is a far deeper core need than love, the need to serve is a bit more dangerous. Which explains why sub-frenzy is such an issue and leads to actions and events that are both painful and avoidable.
So love isn’t enough to fill in all those other needs. Good thing love multiples and never spreads thin. But love is magical. Everything tastes better with love, everything looks better and brighter, even all the jagged areas of personality is smoothed down, and even flaws look attractive. It’s supportive, it’s protective, it encouragement. Love is the quality of desiring happiness for the other person instead of placing your own happiness as more important. It is “I am happy that you are happy.” And it is nurturing and accepting and most of all healing.
I think the Greeks were on to something with the five kinds of love, just that I would argue they were stages to love, not so separate at all. Love may not be enough, but it is necessary.