He did what!?

I am unapologetically polyamorous. I have an open marriage. That won’t come as a surprise to those who know me or long-time readers. I rarely talk about my home life; shall I call him as it feels trendy to do; my nesting partner? I like the idea, nesting partner as we tend to sleep curled up beside one another, in an endless cuddle when it’s me whos sleeping. I’m a cuddle bug.

My husband came home today. Yay! He’s been gone for four days this time. These trips are becoming a bit more frequent and I am getting used to them. More to the point, I’m regaining my independence. And so is he.

In some little midwest town full of farms and churches, my husband found himself a date. I was beaming from ear to ear as he told me about her, where they went, he even met her family and got the whole eye dagger dressing down. I’m happy for him but more than that, I am proud of him. He put himself out there, risked rejection, upfront and honest and found a friend. Just a couple of dates, hanging out and having a good time after work.

I wish I could tell her, “thank you.” Chances are, this was just two ships in the night, crossing paths for a brief moment, making memories and smiles. And I just sit here with this giddy happy to a wonderful surprise. He went on a date., without me.

Attribution Error

Healing comes from the inside, born of love and forgiveness.

On Silence and Threats
I can do a decade standing on my head.
But we both know that’s a lie.
I’ll be standing on my feet the entire time,
slowly snowed over with Kleenex’s.

Finely solved the whole dream issue of why it hurts so much to not have a Master…
because I had not stopped to look at what I have and to appreciate what I do have. Instead I stared long into the past and let that pain eat me instead of looking forward to building my future.

And I’m weird. I have everything I need to keep and enforce boundaries yet I step aside to allow Isa to be what she is, soft hearted. But I am the core of steel that protects her. A Master must be my equal or better for anything less will continue to cause Isa damage. There are a few odd rules involved. I’m not interested in changing the person. I will deliver a hearty smack down to idiots that cause harm but that’s punishment. If the person is to change, they must do it on their and for their own reasons. I’m not buying the idea that we change because we want the other person to love us more. Just, no.

I don’t tend to peep up and ask questions. I prefer to record and observe. This leads to many interesting observations and unusual conclusions. Which means I need more communication that normal, openness given results in openness returned.

And from now, that have to be able to deal with me. On my level. Isa might/may be their slave but I am not. I’m not always out because I am cleaning up another mess. I am capable of playing nice and acting as support role for Isa. But if I keep getting dragged out on clean up duty, then something is Fucking Wrong! Sense I am not going, I get to take the garbage out. Just don’t be garbage. Easy.

And I’m tired. Tired of prying Isa’s fingers off time and again. Tired of what I know comes after. Tired of being the bad guy, every time. Tried of doing what I know is right. She makes it hard to stay in the front. And today is one of those days where I wish I could just separate from her, like conjoined twins having surgery. There is nothing I know of that can do that. And stop right there, integration is not the answer.

It’s funny, the more I get to look at all of this, I just want to slap her. It’s so obvious that he doesn’t love her like she feels for him. She’s probably nothing more than Replacement Object #4,635; just another voice assigned with the same name, same duties. So she lied. Yup, she lied big time. No, we are not all in. It’s just her. Me, I’m tired of the cycle. I’m tired of being monkey in the middle. We gave integration a shot a long time ago and when it broke, things were worse than before. He has failed to prove he knows how to deal with all of us. All I can say to that is this; there are easier fish in the sea.

Owning a slave that has DID is a pain in the ass. I know because we are a lovable pain in the ass to our husband and boy. Twenty plus years with both of them, they’ve been there from before knowing and stayed and supported us after knowing. They did the work to gain a relationship with me. They did the work to earn a measure of trust, with me.

The buck stops with me, no matter how many times I am willing and happy to step back to let Isa just be. I don’t have her innocence or joy. I don’t have her starry eyed enthusiasm. I don’t have her child like wonder. I don’t have her sensuality. I don’t have the depth of her emotions. I don’t even have her laughter. What I do have, is an appreciation of everything she is and the will and strength to protect her. Even when it’s gonna cut her heart out again.

We need to talk.

It’s not often I feel the pull of the stars in my life. This cycle around it is pulling hard and not pulling any punches with me in my life. If anything, it makes a decent non-corporal scapegoat.

March 6th had things blowing up in my life from the moment I woke up to the moment I closed my eyes to sleep that night. Everything I thought I knew I learned I did not. Everything, since I was 14, was rewritten in a matter of hours. The world, my world was knocked right off its axis. I’m still processing all of this.

I am now looking, considering ending one of the longest relationships I’ve ever had. From 14 to 40 and I have the strongest feeling it is now time to end it. I don’t know if I am sitting here typing this in shock or in horror.

My metamores no longer live close to me. They are several states away and have been for a few years now. When we all had been closer, it was a good seven-year run together. But now, knowing what I now know, I can feel the need for a clean break, a clean ending of things.

I am married. I’m not a single woman raising children alone. I am poly and my husband is a happy satisfied man. I have no intentions of ever leaving my family, not even for a metamore.

sigh, I am not unfamiliar with long distance relationships. Until recently, I was involved with a quite a few. When I do this, I will be down to one long distance relationship, no play partners, no metamores; just my husband and me. I’m looking forward to that. Is that so strange?

I’ve been closing a lot of the doors to the past lately. It feels good taking a moment to pause and chew on this. I will still have a heart that falls often and a body that demands sensation. I will still be the same person I’ve always been. (I hear the laughter in the back row, hush now sweetheart.) Maybe I am closing a door on a larger chapter of my life, or am I turning the page to an even more exciting future? I know I am doing this for me. It’s time for me to focus on me.

A pretty package to love

Loving more than one, so you like variety, do you now dear?

Funny how the oddest things bring up the strangest ideas. I was in an outstanding mood when my husband came home and we had a great evening. Everything was running smoothly and when he settled into bed, I curled up beside him wanting to cuddle and talk. I’ve been able to express a bit more about being DID with him and been willing to ask questions about myself.

Then I said something I didn’t even expect to come out of my mouth. That me being DID is like being married to three different women. Poly by default. It startled me a great deal to think of this that way but it does help me understand some of his difficulties that he’s endured while being in the dark all these years. And it makes my heart whimper even a bit more. He loves all of me, flaws and all.

Sometimes Love isn’t Enough

UnstopableSaying goodbye to someone you deeply love is heartbreaking. Being polyamorous isn’t protection against such hurts. Add D/s into the mix and you have a recipe for change that you better be capable of handling or otherwise you’ll drown under it.

And yet there are times saying goodbye is an action of strength, of growth. We may love that person but we have gone as far as we can in that form of relationship. Change becomes necessary to be a healthy person, releasing both parties to continue their personal growth.  With luck, one day a different kind of relationship may be established, one without  hurts and resentments and supportive of the best for the other.

I started blogging years ago with a single purpose in mind. I stated it no where and never mentioned it. Because I was afraid. You see, I was newly married and in shock to find out that my husband wasn’t as dominant as he first appeared. In fact, this was just one more log to add to an already burning relationship that I was internally willing to throw away.

Yet I had a yearning, a desire I couldn’t shake. I remember saying to myself, “Well, I’ll just write for my Master so he can know me.” I didn’t even have a Master much less a clear idea of what that entails at a tender age of 26 / 27. That became the basis of why I write. I have a huge need to be known. Even though the irony is that blogging is the one medium I deeply censor.

It’s that need, the need to be known and others that make love insufficiency. We can love deeply and still feel and be unfulfilled. It really should cause one to take a closer peek at their own personal needs. And for those of the submissive persuasion, an examination of what your needs truly are is in order. Today in my ruminations I have been shocked to realize that it is okay to have needs. And even more shocking, it’s okay to express them.

I have failed in several relationships to express those needs. They were so deeply repressed I only had faint whispers of a feeling something wasn’t quite right or as well as it could be. And I am now considering the possibility that having those needs met might mean the difference between happiness versus existence for me.

When I started writing this post I was thinking of several individuals who have impacted my life greatly over the last few years and in all the lessons that I have learned from each of them. Each one of them, I fell in love; some deeper, some not so much. I loved them all and still do in my own ways. And yet there is one where the love is so deep, the thought of never saying Hello causes me to weep. For him, I’ll be anything he needs me to be, best friend, friend, acquaintance, even a stranger if that is what is best for him.

I  feel to the depths of my soul a love that drives me, empowers me to be more than I am, just so I can feel his smile, his pride settle on my shoulders even if that is all there ever is. And yet, love isn’t enough.

I want to say I am a slave but recent events in my life have called even that into question. What I know is that I am at least submissive and service oriented. I have limits, both internal and external. And I have needs. And I am happiest when serving and that service is both acknowledged and accepted. It is as if I was given all the energy needed to do the very things that makes me happy and empowers the one who I served.

But for most of my life my service to others have been in the nature of sacrifice not joy, of self-denial, not happiness, of pain, not pleasure. Those are second nature to me and quite dangerous. I neglect myself because someone asked it of me, unknowing most of the time. Being this, what I am requires a great deal of self-awareness and learning how to balance this core need to serve against my need for purpose in such a way that I support my health and happiness.

I want to say I live to serve but that’s not quite right. I live because I breath. I serve because I need.

And I have a choice; I can serve in sorrow and pain or with joy and happiness.
And service is not obedience. That is perhaps best left for a different posting but I wanted to point it out that it is not the same at all.

And love is not required to serve. Because service is a far deeper core need than love, the need to serve is a bit more dangerous. Which explains why sub-frenzy is such an issue and leads to actions and events that are both painful and avoidable.

So love isn’t enough to fill in all those other needs. Good thing love multiples and never spreads thin. But love is magical. Everything tastes better with love, everything looks better and brighter, even all the jagged areas of personality is smoothed down, and even flaws look attractive. It’s supportive, it’s protective, it encouragement. Love is the quality of desiring happiness for the other person instead of placing your own happiness as more important. It is “I am happy that you are happy.”  And it is nurturing and accepting and most of all healing.

I think the Greeks were on to something with the five kinds of love, just that I would argue they were stages to love, not so separate at all. Love may not be enough, but it is necessary.



Love Me?

One of the interesting things I’ve learned about Poly is that there are numerous love matches to be made, each with high degree of compatibility for a good comfortable lifetime partnership. It’s turned the whole idea of true love, the one and only on it’s head for me. How can there be just one person for me when there are this many people in the world? Just taking a good look at probability, I really think debunks the myth of finding that true love.

But having so many choices of good strong compatibility matches does make things a wee bit more difficult if one is wanting to settle down with a lifetime partnership. Strength of personal character and knowing what you want out of life is crucial. Anything less can lead to disappointment, regrets and resentments.

Growing up I knew I wanted to be a mother and a wife. In fact, that was the only choices I had due to my parents influences and religion. And I had a lot more growing up to do after I became an adult. I had to learn who I was, without the guilt, without the pressure to conform. And I didn’t come into that knowledge until after I was married. From reading other’s poly blogs and books over the years, I think a lot of us take a little bit longer in finding out what we truly want out of a partnership.

Turns out, I prefer triad poly relationships. That’s where I feel the most comfortable, the most loved, where I’d say about 90% of my needs are met if I am with the right people. I do quite well with quad relationships as well but there is a bit of a down side for me as it’s easy to just pair off again. When I think about probabilities of finding matches for triad’s or quad’s, the numbers drop dramatically. It makes sense. Socially, polyamory is still on the fringes, still a bit taboo, a black sheep in the whole family of human society.

It’s a harsh world out there and it’s a challenge to get your needs met. It is so important to be able to be happy in a single relationship even if what you really need is more. Because finding that special someone who might be looking too is going to take some time. Yet it’s a good time to be poly. Social networks gives all off us access to vast amounts of people. The internet connects us to each other and shrinks our huge world. It’s possible now to find that love match instead of pining away a lifetime unfulfilled.

The search starts from within, from knowing what you want, expect and need. Having the character of strength and honesty to stand up and say, “yes, I am a person who loves more than one” and go out searching for them is amazing.

I think everyone deep down wants to be needed, wanted and loved. We all seek that connection to some degree with each other. And some of us are overflowing with it.
Simply asking; “Love me?”


Poly & D/s relationships

I’ve been chewing on the nature of my own poly relationships, including one that is D/s based. What I’m about to say I have no idea how universal it may or may not be but it does apply to me. I write from my own experiences and my thoughts here apply to myself despite grammar issues.

Loving more than one, negotiating those relationships has never been about negotiating power but managing getting needs met on both sides. I enjoy being in love. I enjoy keeping those feelings alive and active but even when those feelings mellow;  as they always do, I find in it’s place is something very precious – friendship and companionship based on a deeper love. A love in which I want and actively suport what is best for my loves, even if it is something that may hurt me for a little while. It does become a selfless kind of love. As such, time and distance has proved no barrier to that love.

But what has started to puzzle me is that I am not capable so far to be in more than one D/s relationship at a time. What I mean is, that I have found I can only submit to one person at a time, no matter how many relationships I may be in. This puzzled me. And worse, I have found I can accept more than one person’s submission and love them as well.

Poly is about admitting a natural orientation towards multiple relationships, so why wouldn’t it also extend to D/s?

With the varieties of styles of submission and different forms of D/s relationships, maybe it would be possible. The nature of my D/s relationship is such that for me, it is not. I submit as accepting authority and control over my body, choices and life. In essence, there is only one boss, one chain of command, one ruler and no one else can be above that singular position.

And for me, at first this feels like it flys in the face of being Poly, being like a throw back to monogamy. It’s given me some heartache as I’ve tested my internal boundaries and found it holds true. There can be only one Master in my life.

Then it occurred to me the difference between the two relationship styles.  Poly is based on mutual love and needs and D/s is about mutual power exchange.  There is no reason for them to be exclusive in an individual. It is possible to live both, be both without being a paradox.

It is within the nature of my needs that I submit to such a singular level. Yet I can clearly see how others could submit in many different ways.  D/s in itself is not inherently monogamous. It is in the negotiating of the power exchange that sets the form and boundaries of the relationship just as negotiating does in polyamory.

So what does this say about me? I love who I love and maybe I am still a bit old fashioned at heart. It doesn’t have to be such an internal struggle anymore now that I understand the essence of each relationship. 

D/s isn’t based in love but it surely can have love involved. Love isn’t the core of D/s shockingly enough and it doesn’t have to be. The power exchange is the core of D/s.  And this is where my polyness kicks in. I prefer to love; I need to love rather than go out and just have sex. I need love and I give love in return. That is no different for me in D/s. Without love to guide me, my submission would not be possible.

I can not say I love one more than another. It would not be true and has been one of my problems with being poly. Sometimes my loves have wanted to be the one and only and I could not give that.

But somehow I can submit to only one person. It’s about my personal need to submit, love as my guide, my need to be able to give my all to one person who is hopefully strong enough not to bow under from the weight of it and so much more than that. It’s about finding that one puzzle piece that completes my life; that seamlessly match. It’s complex. It’s simple too. I choose this, I choose Him and it still feels right.

This is how poly and D/s works for me. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty damn close.

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