I’m sneaking out to write this. Sorta a unsendable letter in keeping with the rules Autumn enforces. Though I think she is right on this, that no good can come from me sending this. If he wants to be left alone, email him is out of the question. But here I can write freely, somewhat. I know he has read this blog at least once. That knowledge had me in full panic. Not because he read it but because he denied ever reading anything I wrote. Maybe that changed after he said he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t want me to know for whatever reason.
Google+ is sunsetting in a few days time. I’m in full panic. All of his words are going to be lost, all his poetry, all of what I have desperately held on too will be lost. Half of his work is already gone with groups closing. It feels like a slow death. I am losing my past, my guidance, my inspiration, everything. I know its not wise to put someone in that place but even with all my troubles, he was, is daily reading. And soon it will be gone. Autumn attempted to ween me off. Its not going well.
Soon it will be done cold turkey. I’m scared. Even if I couldn’t maintain a relationship with him, I at least had access to his works. Not ideal but better than nothing at all. He hasn’t published any chapbooks. I would have bought them, all of them.
Now I’m facing a world without even the stability his words brought. The problem with why I am still holding on is because in a way I am where i want to be. To worship the man I love with all my being, to adore, to be at his feet learning his wisdom, to hold to him inside of my being as I struggle to that better person that his life theough example encourages me to be. That’s the kind of slave I am. Except I have DID and Autumn refuses to be a slave. She sees danger long before I do.
I know this can consume me. In a way, I want to be consumed by the devotion. But I am only speaking for myself and not all the other parts.
I am losing this when G+ shuts down for good. I will only have my memories. I know I have to let go. That I should have let go a long time ago. But now I know what I am, what submission means to me, how far I want go, how much contact I require, how much I need someone in physical life. I am grateful to learn these lessons. Yet I mourn my loss. And it is my loss as I, we, failed him over and over again.
I know it wasn’t good match. I have too many issues, caused too much trouble, did wrong too many times, wore out his patience. I wasn’t alone in this but I bare the repercussions of it. I am left in silence of a past looking on, rooting for his success, rooting for his dreams and wishing him happiness at every turn.
It is unknown if I will ever met anyone like him or someone to draw out that depth of desire. Autumn will safeguard against this. I know she believes this is a dangerous path to walk. I still believe it is possible to walk this safely.
I don’t need Autumn’s reminders of all that went wrong. His absence in my life is more than enough testament. My own lack of obedience damns me. I have enough to flog myself with for the rest of my life. Somehow I will put that away. Somehow I will let that go.
We ran. I ran. She ran. For what reason, there were many. I wasn’t ready for any of it. I didn’t understand myself nearly as much. Fear does live inside of us. But so does laughter and joy. As does happiness and pleasure.
What I really want to tell him is this; I hope you are safe, well and happy out there. I hope you look up at the stars at night. I hope you stop to smell the flowers when you can. I hope you still love and are loved in return. I hope you refuse to let me and my past damage your future. I hope you find those girls of your dreams. I hope you keep going forward. I hope you never give up. I hope you keep writing because you are brilliant and the world will lose much if you choose otherwise. I hope that you have enough. I hope all your good dreams come true.