Utter Obedience

Offerings from our Writing Workbook: February 2016
by: The Peanut Gallery which is all of us. 

Utter Obedience

I had no conception of what it meant. I had no way for forming it’s shape.

I was agreeing and not understanding one bit. He has a point, I am swift to anger and that needs to change. I miss his hand on my life. I should have asked a ton more questions. Questions I more likely will never have answers too. Like why did he force girls away? What did they lie about? Why did they not want to go? Is that what I could expect too? What made the good ones, good?

His expectation of obedience within his limits upon meeting made it hard to open up and talk. It was domineering. It was not conducive to inspiration. It was traumatic. I’m not the only girl who’s ran. Plenty have run before me and plenty will run after me.

Only now I am starting to understand. Utter Obedience to him is the price to stay in his life. Is he worth it now that I know what it means?

Why am I not worth bending for? Oh but he did bend, very much so. But not on that single topic. I see now he gave me chance after chance after chance. I was blind to the meaning.

My first fears have bloomed, come to fruit and ripened. My love has caused hurt. My presence has caused hurt. I have caused hurt. I have caused my own hurt as surly as if I beat my head against a brick wall.

I didn’t understand that I didn’t understand.

Utter Obedience carried out to the max degree is a terrifying thought. I ran. How can he want this from me, from any women?

I never stopped till now to ask questions. Do I want to give obedience, utterly? Does it scream in me to obey?

I can only weep at my answers.

Now I am numb to whole idea of submission. I am numb to the idea of obedience. I am numb to the idea of D/s. I am numb to it all. I see my life stretched out as a wide yawn of time and I am afraid it’s bleak. I lost a dream at his feet.

The reality of it is far more than I can handle. I should be glad to know the reality of myself. Yet I am sad. My innocence was ripped away. I am afraid I will go on walking in life with a hole inside me that has no hope of ever being filled.

I am not naturally obedient. I am a rebel, a contrarian. I ask why before I do. I look at the issue, topic, task before I decide if I am going to follow through.

You told me it was forever. That I could never have another Master, that not even in death was this bond broken. Why? That even if the silence stretched out forever, I could never seek another. Why?

All I had to do was obey. It sounds simple. It sounds easy. Yet it’s not easy, it’s not that simple. It is hard hard work. Having to tear down each wall, each part of me that I try to protect. That I would be open and vulnerable, flayed wide open without a safe word, without a safety net, nothing to keep me safe.

He’s always on. He never second guesses himself. He doesn’t see how to do this differently. I thought maybe I could show him. I was wrong. Instead he showed me so much more. He exposed me to me and left me soul scared.

Live. Be happy. Pursue your dreams. Obey your desires. Obey your desire to serve.

I am having to learn a lot more. Learn to speak honestly. Learn what honesty is. Learn to live with integrity. There is really nothing more to do but learn the lessons and go on. I am not the same as I once was. I can never go back to being that woman again. She is gone.

A Hidden History

There is another blog that we own that I tend to ignore its existence, Formely Aries’ slave. Isa wrote in it from July 2007 till June 2015. It’s a raw and rough record of two D/s / M/s relationships. It’s an incomplete record of chaos, pain and heartbreak. Isa moved it to private at some point. I know parts of it was here and then removed. I’ve been looking it over, seeking clues to the past. I want to say it’s enlighting but it’s not. It is a bitter pill to swallow actually. This was us at that point in time.

But a lot is recorded, even the day our heart broke so badly that the body physical spiralled out of control with rising high blood pressure. I look back now and suspect something rather sinister was at play. Everything Isa was, was tied so deeply to an identity of a slave that walking away meant death. Fighting an unconscious death wish isn’t fun.

Somewhere in those years, I came out again to fill in for her as she collapsed internally. I’m talking about this because I’ve got a problem I’m still trying to solve. What do I do with Isa? What do I do with her desires and her natural inclination to submit, or rather to revolve around a single person as her all?

If anything that blog is proof Isa can recover and love and trust again. If anything that blog shows how much she’s grown. Dreamwalker’s tale isn’t included in that blog and not much of it is here on this one. But it’s all over her poetry, the whole story is written in every line of her poetry. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I know she was thinking ‘third times’ a charm’. I’m not sure she ever asked, what kind of charm.

And it occurs to me that I could be asking a different question: what to do with Me? Considering it is me that prevents Isa from being herself as she sees herself. Only one of has a choice, oddly. Isa is what she is, it’s not a matter of choice. But, me, I have a choice. Choice also means having responsibility. What do I do with the part of us that I feel is still unhealthy?

You know, it’s too ingrained, Isa as a submissive/slave. It’s too much a part of her foundational identity. So how do I nurture her towards a proper and healthy expression of her submission, safely without destroying the integrity of the identities in the rest of our system? How do I do that while keeping us safe?

An excerpt from Formely Aries’ slave

First Collar
Posted on September 17, 2010 by Isabella LeCour

While reading a posting about D/s lifestyle and collaring I had a flash back to my first experience of a collar. It happened back in high school. Me and my boyfriend at the time were holed up in my bedroom. We were talking and going through my stuff, for something, needle and thread I think. He reached out and grabbed a black velvet ribbon, deftly wrapped it around my neck and admired it. He told me he liked to see me that way. So simple the words he used, the eloquent expression of desire. I was so moved by his desire that I turned that ribbon into a choker style necklace and wore it proudly the next day. I remember taking it off when we broke up. It had become the symbol of our relationship and I never wore it again once we broke up. But I have never forgotten the experience nor have I been able to shake a preference for chokers. Every choker I wear, I remember him and that velvet ribbon.

It may not be a first collar in a traditional sense in the lifestyle. We were just teenagers with no sense of BDSM, at least I was not and I was the one more sexually experienced. It is instead the first time I submitted to another’s will with a passion. It does strike me as ironic that this memory would be enshrined in myself. I wanted to give everything I was or ever would have to him. Those were my first stirrings of my deep dark submissive passions.

Those feeling were unleashed. I sought them out and like-minded people. I have wore collars for other’s since then. The feeling of belonging is similar yet nowhere near as strong. The shear rightness of it, of my submission has never changed. Kink has been in my soul for a long time.

 

I’m Done.

It’s late night before another school year starts and I’m sitting here planning my future. In so many ways, I’m done. It’s an odd point for that I’ve reached. I’m just done.

I’m done with being afraid.
I’m done with being overweight.
I’m done with waiting.
I’m done with watching the world spin on by.
I’m done with letting my passions rot in the dust.
I’m done with never getting what I need.
I’m done with misery.
I’m done with being passive.
I’m done.
Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

I have to change. I want to change and I’m going to change my life for the better. I’ve been chewing on this for a while now. Hell, I’m done with chewing on it. I have to act. The time to act is Now.

The deck is fairly stacked against me. My biggest enemy is myself. This is going to be my biggest triumph. I’m already calling it. This is a done deal. It is done. The changes I want in my life are happening. There is a lot of work ahead and for good reason. It’s going to take the same amount of effort to undo all the past things to brings these positive changes forward. I am capable. I am willing. I am succeeding.

Screw the baby steps! I’m all in. I have to be. It’s the only way for me to succeed. I’ve got my goals ahead of me. I have a vision I am bringing into reality. I am going to see this through. I am going to lose the weight. I am going to be a successful writer. I am going to bring happiness back into my life. I am going to discover the rest of my passions. I am going to chase my bliss.

First, I am going to learn and experience the meaning of the word commitment. I am making this commitment to myself. I have no doubt that I am capable of doing Anything I put my mind to doing. This is just the first year’s goals.

I am going to heal my mind and I am going to heal my body and I am going to heal my soul.
This is a promise I am making to myself. And you my dear readers, are witnesses to this promise between me and me.

My hands are wrapped about my personal lighting storm, my secret bliss and I am going to shine brightly!

Thank You!

Looking Backwards to Move Foward

Taking a moment to truly be thankful will increase personal happiness. I invite you to do the same. The idea is to find five things that occurred during the week that has made a meaningful impact on you that you are grateful for and do a small post on them.

This week I am grateful for:

1. Having the time spent with my children, playing and growing with them, seeing them grow and develop into kind and caring people.

2. Kindness of strangers. Without them, this holiday season would have been a great deal smaller for my darling girls.

3. Reconnecting with family and friends. It’s always hard to go home again but it feels great to be welcomed back with open arms.

4. WordPress’s end of year report and everyone who has stopped in to read for a bit and those who’ve commented. It’s encouraged me to continue on and to redouble my efforts to make this blog a priority. Thank You all for sharing the journey with me.

5. My Master. So many things I could say here but the biggest one is that his quiet acceptance of me has healed many of my deepest wounds. Gratitude just isn’t enough.

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” – William James

Committing to a Better Me

Happy Autumn Equinox everyone.

I’ve taken a bit of a forced break for the last week and it’s put me behind on both the writing and blogging 101 courses. I’m going to be playing catch up this week on all of those.

Going ‘radio silent’ on my media and blogging gave me much-needed time to reconnect to those most important to me. It’s far to easy to get caught up in the moment and bend when one should not. And I have learned that I truly know better and ignoring myself has massive consequences but honestly it’s always been for the best.

So this day, one of my Most Holy of Days I reflect on what has been and what is past as I prepare and lay up stocks for the future. Autumn is a season of gathering the plenty of Summer as I look forward to the quiet contemplation of Winter.

I have gathered many lessons this Summer. I have much to contemplate and much more to learn. The biggest lesson is that I am loved, by family and friends and myself.

This is also the season of pruning for me. And I am pruning away the deadwood in my life and in myself. I am pruning away thoughts that lead me to places I should not go. I am pruning way those things that do not enrich my life. I am pruning hard, cutting out all the bad, negativity energy that has filled my life. I am opening myself up so come Spring I have room to grow once more.

I am burning away all that served me no good. From those ashes, good will come and I will be become more than I am, that I was. I am in the process of being restored to health.

Later tonight I am going to hold a personal ritual. I am going to write down all the things I am burning away from my soul and my life. I am going to write down all the phrases that filter in and out of my head that serve me no good and I am going to burn those scraps of paper. And I am going to be thankful for the pruning.

May your Mabon be one of Joy!

Head Space Shift

Writing 101: A Room with a View (or Just a View)

There is a place that I used to visit that no one else could. In fact it isn’t like any other place on earth at all. This place existed as a part of me, as a part of us. It is / was our head space.

It was here that the softest summer green grass I’ve ever seen covers a wide sports field, pristine and untouched under the clearest blue summer sky. The bright sun was placed up high, casting no shadows anywhere without blazing heat as a cool spring breeze moves the air gently, stirring the grass lightly as it moves across the field. The air itself is filled with expectation, as if an excited crowd just vanished leaving behind the sense of excitement palatable in the air itself.

Facing the field, a lone aluminium  bleacher stands back drop to the endless  grass and sky. It is there that I sit,in the very middle of the bleachers, not at the bottom and not at the top, just right there in the middle watching the sports field as it lays out spread before us. I sit there, as do I and as do I and as do I. We sit there side by side, huddled on the warm metal as if there was a crowd all around us but for us, only we exist, the field, the sky and the bleachers. I always got the sense that if I so much as blinked, this moment would be filled with people excitedly watching a game in play.

My eyes look up into the sky watching for a moment as soft puffy cumulus clouds lazily drift across the sky from right to left disappearing beyond into an expanse of unknown. We sit here watching the field, chatting, arguing, debating with great emotions. We wave our hands at each other in disagreement and even shake our fingers as we point out at the field in dismay at the players out there we can not see. The heckling calls we give our voice to echo around us amid the din of noise from the greater beyond, yet here we can hear each other clearly. It is all very surreal.

I miss this place of excitement, of anticipation being held deep in the essence of it’s creation. I woke up one morning to find it gone and replaced with something unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable.

The clear blue sky was gone and replaced by a great white canvas of an expanse that was almost bright enough to hurt the eyes if I stared long enough. I found myself sitting on a soft thick colorful persian carpet, surrounded by familial arms and legs entangled in an all-encompassing hug as we all murmured soothing comforting words of encouragement and calm. All of us sitting there in an endless hug, hung somewhere in the bright white expanse, far from the green field that we had grown to think of as our home, as a barely audible thump thump of a collective heartbeat pulses though each of us connecting us as one.

Of Tea and Symphony..

…pass over a steaming and fragrant cup of tea….

It is such a simple action.being handed a cup of tea from a friend, an action so often taken for granted that it is easy to miss all of the meaning hidden just inside. It has been the meaning of the gesture that has sustained me for so long. Thank you.

In the process of doing deep reflection, this journey into my own soul or rather rediscovering it…I have found that I have been lost for over a year. I’ve reread my whole blog and I barely recognize this as myself. I have never seen myself as witty, funny, thoughtful, deep thinker, with a deep love for everything and a child like wonder for the universe we are in, But that is what I read in reading this blog. A person I liked. A person who made me laugh and grin. A person is who silly and strong minded. A person who has courage. But..so many but’s involved…a person that I liked.

Bottom line; the person I liked, is me.

Until today, I have never been able to say that with honesty.

Thank you for hearing me…
And may your day rise up with glory.
For Life is Awesome.