Screw New Year Resolutions

Never say Never.

It’s a bit funny how that axiom has played out in my life. A long time ago I learned in a very hard way to never say never because the Universe absolutely delights in taking me saying that and turning it up on its head in unexpected and spectacular ways that shock and confound my ass.

She’s a scary bitch at times. She’s is definitely one that says “Hold my beer” when I’ve uttered that phrase. All the Celestials are pointing and shouting and egging her on. “Hey, watch this!” as she performs the previously impossible.

I’m terrified to use this in reverse, as in acting on the presumption that not saying ‘never say never’ would be equal to the meaning of never. I get the feeling it invokes the Murphy’s Law clause of my life. Yup, me and Murphy are old old pals and he taught me quite a bit. Namely, how to roll with the punches. And if you can’t, then got to learn how to take a hit.

And it seems I’m destined to fight the current in the stream of life as if a divine compulsion was placed upon me to always fight, to be mostly contrarian, to live a life outside of the norms of society. And even in this, I fight against it. I live a life of taboos and duties that when I have attempted to run from, I was dragged back by my coattails. It’s one of those things, things of woo. It’s a weirdness. I know when I am approaching something forbidden. I know when something is truly free will and what’s predestination, at least just for myself. The rest of you folk out there is just going to have to figure it out on your own.

I follow my gut instincts as I’ve gotten older more often than not. I’ve always regretted when I refused to listen, much too painful trials that I’ve endured. I’m not one for veils and secrets. I rush forward into the light of truth every time no matter how much it might slice me to ribbons. Yet, I’ve never regretted the truth.

I hold all of this in a kind of understanding of the world layered on top on other understandings of the world, all in a stack, each forming and touching another layer, all together in some strange Mobius strip origami.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, never say never. The Universe may decide she’s bored and turn your little world up on its head.

It’s a warning. Clearly, Everything is Possible.

So what are you waiting for? Someone, to tell you it’s okay?
Fine. It’s okay.
Just stay within the light of Love. Else Murph’s gonna get you.

You reap what you sow.

Next week a whole new insanity starts again. Here in Arizona, school starts up again. It’s a level of busyness that’s welcomed. I’ve had the kids take Karate classes this summer. It kept a nice routine going. Even had the in-laws came and stay for a week. Things are okay. It’s been a good summer.

I’m struggling again but I wonder how much is grief from old wounds, how much of it is just me? My mom’s birthday is on the 9th. I don’t remember a single day of it after she died. It’s a forgotten day. From July 11th to Aug 9th, almost always forgotten. The tail end of June is really rough for me. I still don’t want to look too hard into why. But the body knows, the body remembers.

How do I overcome these challenges?

I’ve been reading over old conversations with Dreamwalker and it’s very rough reading, seeing the villain really was me. I’ve not deleted one jot of his words and yet they stand in black and white testament to well a train wreck of hell. I can only take about 15 minutes of reading before I have to close it and I want to cry but I’m dry. It just hurts.

All is not lost. I can still learn the lessons he was teaching. I can still change and grow. I found my old five and ten-year plan he had me do. I half-assed it like nothing else. I was amazed. I need to redo it. I used to do these things for fun as a kid so what the ever living fuck was I thinking handing in that I will never know. It’s hard for me to think right now. I want to plan for the future. I have some goals but I need to do a break down on them, take a deeper look to see if I should keep them as goals.

These last two weeks have been eye-opening. Dreamwalker went silent and I about lost my mind in grief. My strength is nothing but bravado. I smacked up to just how much I’ve lied to myself. Losing his words was like I lost what was keeps me breathing. How can I say that I don’t trust him when I’ve depended on his words, his thoughts to guide my life still? I had never let go.

I have a lot of wants where he is concerned. But what I need is to stop waiting. As much as I want to hear him whisper “Good girl” in my ear, I need to have earned it first. I am unable to solve if he still wants me. I am unable to solve anything of this relationship. The fight was always inside of me, between holding to what I need versus what I am afraid of and my integrity held my feet into the fire until I found a way to run. And I’ve made him a part of me and it’s hard to run away from yourself.

Autumn was right in a way. We do push people away when they make us happy. We always have and we can trace this back into early childhood. But what we did to Dreamwalker was uncalled for and unprecedented in our history. I know I deserve abandonment. I did earn that. It’s a crippling thought that I’ve lost him forever. Even if it’s true, I refuse to let that be his legacy in my life. Through him, because of him, I’ve taken a harder look at who I am and how I act and who I want to be. I am Proud to have known him even for a little bit!

I need Autumn back and I need to be able to stay. I need to find that rhythm that makes the harmony in my life. I need Autumn’s strength and fortitude and I see she needs my empathy, compassion and ability to love. I need my Captain back in the seat so we can sail these waters again.

January 2015

January 2015

1) New Year Resolutions

With the coming New Year and saying goodbye to the past I ponder on the meaning of this yearly ritual. Watching the review shows, the almost funerary dissection of the past year, memorializing everyone that had passed away during the year, the endless testimony of those who had once again failed their previous resolutions and all the advice on how to make and stick to such a mental resolve….Why does it take A brand New Year for Us to decide to be better people than we were before? And yet most of us fail in this task if for no other reason that it is tradition to both make such internal promises and to fail them. Why is this?

Is it a white flag of hope we wave in the midst of the loud reminder of mortality? The awareness that our life does not last forever so we offer up promises to the Gods of Time trying to buy and bribe our way to a better, longer and more inspired and meaningful life as all the voices cry out at once to the heavens pouring out personal sorrows of the pains and afflictions of the year before as we review our life?

These broken promises, year after year made; held out before us as if proof that we can not do anything but fail. As if this is the proof of our eternal state of sin, this first stumble out of the race gates of the new year. And Yet we as a society have missed the essential flaw in this whole tradition. One should Never make a promise that they can Not keep. If there is so much a one drop of doubt, a promise should not be made. That one little change would turn the whole tradition and self flagellation’s of broken promises, knowable sins and mistakes into a procession of hopes, dreams, and goals to strive for. One little change in the way to view the endless cycle of the year that removes that equally propagated cycle of self-hatred that I could so easily point a finger at in certain religious circles that perpetuate the belief of sins, that can so easily cripple us emotionally.

The ending of the year is a sorrow and a joy, a celebration of life, death, hope and dreams and an eventual rebirth of all the good that is in humanity. It is a time of introspection as we await the return of the sun and the long days it brings.

Rarely have I made resolutions. As a rule I avoid making promises, to others and even to myself. I know that this year, I have broken that and in turn broke the faith to the One I made such promises too. Such is the learning of mistakes in life. And so before this year is over, I am looking forward to the next one; with hopes and goals laid out for once. Eager I am to see the Year begin…for I have no time to waste. My resolutions are not promises..but goals with deadlines as I chase my dreams into the future, resolving to strengthen my character, to stay on the path set out for me as I run forward with a glad heart, a thankful heart ever mindful of the present. I am joyfully alive!

2) Question:

At the ending of the Year, society seems to turn an eye backwards to take in the lesson of year, to memorialize those who have passed away before turning a focus inward and towards the future, making promises of change on every level. It feels very much American mainstream social thinking. What I wonder about is, how true is this? And just how much is done promoted by the media..

Do people actually make New Year Resolutions?

Do you encourage your children to do so or not?

Does it even have a place in religious viewpoints?

Is this purely an American social experience?

 

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

I think this is pretty amazing for WordPress to do. I see a lot of gaps I need to close in my writing schedule in the coming years! Thank you all, dear readers for being with me on this wonderful ride as we close out the end of the year as we make way for the New!