Originally I posted this on G+ on Jan 5, 2019, but as it’s shutting down sooner than expected and I wish to keep this, I’m transferring this here.
How did I lose him? By being myself. No, no, that’s the lie. I didn’t lose him because I was myself. I never had him to begin with. He was never something to own. So I never lost him. Can’t lose what you never had. Can’t own a person so you can’t lose a person. So what in the hell did I lose?
A relationship. That’s what I lost. Why? On both parts, a lack of trust, both not listening to each other, both not communicating properly, both not taking the time to build the relationship in the first place and a break down in trusting in a repair process of communication. When he said he no longer trusted me, I stopped trying. I refuse to build my house on sand anymore.
I don’t trust him and it showed. I wasn’t treating it like a relationship in the first place. My own issues are too much for him. And you know what? That’s okay. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And neither is he.
I wanted to trust him. I kept trying and I kept failing. So, in reality, the relationship broke up because I was being myself. I was being authentically me, with all my insanity. And you know what? That’s really okay. It wasn’t meant to be.
He can say till he’s blue in the face it’s because I lied and I will shake my head. I should have Never put up with that accusation from day one. I put up with too much bs that broke my trust him. Yes, he’s brilliant. Yes, he’s incredibly insightful. Yes, he’s downright amazing. He is also very human with all the flaws that means.
But here’s the thing, the man who stays with me will do so because he loves me for who I am, flaws and all. He’ll make sure I know that we’re secure no matter my issues. He’ll make sure he’s standing by my side through it all. And if he falls, I’ll be right there beside him helping him stand back up.
I won’t have to worry about everything breaking apart because of a disagreement. I won’t have to worry that silence is a punishment or abandonment. I won’t have to worry that he’s talking to others because he’ll trust me enough to share even that part of his life. I won’t have to worry about what he’s thinking because he’ll tell me. I won’t have to worry that his disappointment in me because I did something he didn’t like, will lead to a breakup. I won’t have to worry about walking on eggshells around him. I won’t have to worry about the mind games playing out because they won’t exist. I won’t have to worry about a whole lot of shit because I won’t put up with it.
That part the sucks, is that I love him. Flaws in all. shrugs It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. And it will be okay for you too.
If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are, they can fuck the right off. Fuck ’em!