Love without Trust is nothing.

Originally I posted this on G+ on Jan 5, 2019, but as it’s shutting down sooner than expected and I wish to keep this, I’m transferring this here.

How did I lose him? By being myself. No, no, that’s the lie. I didn’t lose him because I was myself. I never had him to begin with. He was never something to own. So I never lost him. Can’t lose what you never had. Can’t own a person so you can’t lose a person. So what in the hell did I lose?

A relationship. That’s what I lost. Why? On both parts, a lack of trust, both not listening to each other, both not communicating properly, both not taking the time to build the relationship in the first place and a break down in trusting in a repair process of communication. When he said he no longer trusted me, I stopped trying. I refuse to build my house on sand anymore.

I don’t trust him and it showed. I wasn’t treating it like a relationship in the first place. My own issues are too much for him. And you know what? That’s okay. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And neither is he.

I wanted to trust him. I kept trying and I kept failing. So, in reality, the relationship broke up because I was being myself. I was being authentically me, with all my insanity. And you know what? That’s really okay. It wasn’t meant to be.

He can say till he’s blue in the face it’s because I lied and I will shake my head. I should have Never put up with that accusation from day one. I put up with too much bs that broke my trust him. Yes, he’s brilliant. Yes, he’s incredibly insightful. Yes, he’s downright amazing. He is also very human with all the flaws that means.

But here’s the thing, the man who stays with me will do so because he loves me for who I am, flaws and all. He’ll make sure I know that we’re secure no matter my issues. He’ll make sure he’s standing by my side through it all. And if he falls, I’ll be right there beside him helping him stand back up.

I won’t have to worry about everything breaking apart because of a disagreement. I won’t have to worry that silence is a punishment or abandonment. I won’t have to worry that he’s talking to others because he’ll trust me enough to share even that part of his life. I won’t have to worry about what he’s thinking because he’ll tell me. I won’t have to worry that his disappointment in me because I did something he didn’t like, will lead to a breakup. I won’t have to worry about walking on eggshells around him. I won’t have to worry about the mind games playing out because they won’t exist. I won’t have to worry about a whole lot of shit because I won’t put up with it.

That part the sucks, is that I love him. Flaws in all. shrugs It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. And it will be okay for you too.

If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are, they can fuck the right off. Fuck ’em!

Five days after my birthday…

She watches a man place a well-thorned rose with the softest of petals in my window and wonders. She walks to the window and steps outside the retrieve the rose making sure she was alone before cupping her hands around it gently and lifting it to her nose as she inhales and smiles knowing there is a good place to keep it… and whispers so softly, “Everything deserves love”.

True that day and every day that’s come after.

Love Lessons for all of Us

My first visit with my new doctor had us reveal that we write. Thus he told me this story about emotions. It was cute and I hadn’t heard of before. I became worried that I was throwing off depression signals or something was showing off during the visit. Something was really off during the visit. I wasn’t in the front but backseat driver position and the kid had the steering wheel. Turns out after talking to another doctor in the same office, my doc happens to be a family practitioner and tends to see more kids rather than adults. This explains things and I really need to stay in the front during visits. Anywho, a few days after the first visit I wrote this from what I could remember of the story. It’s not the same nor uses the same words but the essence is the same, the same tale, this time as I am retelling it. I hope it may be a worthy addition to the line of versions to this tale.

Love Lessons

Once upon a time, all human emotions lived on an island paradise. One day the island started to sink and Wisdom called everyone and announced that they would have to leave. Wisdom and Provision were going to the next island over and that they all could come along or do what they would like. Shortly after Wisdom and Provision took off to their new home.

As it came to be most of the Emotions found their way yet Love was left on the island. She watched as Greed sailed on by in their golden yacht. She called out to Greed, “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” Greed looked her over and saw she owned nothing. “You have no way to pay for your journey. You’ll have to find another way.” She watched as the golden yacht sailed on.

Vanity sailed past her slowly. Love called out “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” Vanity was very proud of their ship, the clean and gleaming lines and looked out over Love and saw how dirty and unkempt she’d become from all the frantic packing. Vanity shook their head “My ship is clean and pretty and you are not and you would mar the beauty of my ship which I’ll have not. You’ll have to find another way.”

The island continued to sink into the sea and Love despaired. She could not make it to the new island alone. As the sun set she saw a rickety raft come close to the shore. She called out once more “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” To her surprise, that rickety raft changed course and beached so she could board. The owner was an old man, grey beard with sharp eyes and rags instead of riches. He welcomed her on board without admonishment of her appearance or demanding payment for the journey. In quiet companionship, they sailed together to the new island.

The morning brought her to the shore of her home. Her companion turned and sailed off without saying a word before she could even say thank you. Later when she found Wisdom, she told her tale and asked who it could be that brought her here. With a chuckle, Wisdom answered “You don’t recognize him? No? That was Time.” Smiling he explained “With Time all things come to past, all things pass away. When you wait long enough Time will be there to pick you up and take you to where you are going.”

Even though Wisdom and Provision led the way, a place is not a home ’till Love arrives. And sometimes, it just takes Time to get there.