Rick Astley – Try

…puts down the book and looks around for something to give to all those struggling the day after Xmas-the stress, the heartache, the pounding headache that comes from giving something not realised was asked for…try a little bit longer. Try. 

Love Lessons for all of Us

My first visit with my new doctor had us reveal that we write. Thus he told me this story about emotions. It was cute and I hadn’t heard of before. I became worried that I was throwing off depression signals or something was showing off during the visit. Something was really off during the visit. I wasn’t in the front but backseat driver position and the kid had the steering wheel. Turns out after talking to another doctor in the same office, my doc happens to be a family practitioner and tends to see more kids rather than adults. This explains things and I really need to stay in the front during visits. Anywho, a few days after the first visit I wrote this from what I could remember of the story. It’s not the same nor uses the same words but the essence is the same, the same tale, this time as I am retelling it. I hope it may be a worthy addition to the line of versions to this tale.

Love Lessons

Once upon a time, all human emotions lived on an island paradise. One day the island started to sink and Wisdom called everyone and announced that they would have to leave. Wisdom and Provision were going to the next island over and that they all could come along or do what they would like. Shortly after Wisdom and Provision took off to their new home.

As it came to be most of the Emotions found their way yet Love was left on the island. She watched as Greed sailed on by in their golden yacht. She called out to Greed, “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” Greed looked her over and saw she owned nothing. “You have no way to pay for your journey. You’ll have to find another way.” She watched as the golden yacht sailed on.

Vanity sailed past her slowly. Love called out “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” Vanity was very proud of their ship, the clean and gleaming lines and looked out over Love and saw how dirty and unkempt she’d become from all the frantic packing. Vanity shook their head “My ship is clean and pretty and you are not and you would mar the beauty of my ship which I’ll have not. You’ll have to find another way.”

The island continued to sink into the sea and Love despaired. She could not make it to the new island alone. As the sun set she saw a rickety raft come close to the shore. She called out once more “Please let me on board so we may go to the new island.” To her surprise, that rickety raft changed course and beached so she could board. The owner was an old man, grey beard with sharp eyes and rags instead of riches. He welcomed her on board without admonishment of her appearance or demanding payment for the journey. In quiet companionship, they sailed together to the new island.

The morning brought her to the shore of her home. Her companion turned and sailed off without saying a word before she could even say thank you. Later when she found Wisdom, she told her tale and asked who it could be that brought her here. With a chuckle, Wisdom answered “You don’t recognize him? No? That was Time.” Smiling he explained “With Time all things come to past, all things pass away. When you wait long enough Time will be there to pick you up and take you to where you are going.”

Even though Wisdom and Provision led the way, a place is not a home ’till Love arrives. And sometimes, it just takes Time to get there.

What is hope?

As I laid down to sleep a snippet of a thought drifted in. Hope was a flower. And then I fell into dreams. I named a flower hope and watched it bloom and then wilt before my eyes. It brought forth no seeds and thus died. How could this be hope if hope can die?

As I watched the wilted flower, it was turned into the earth to become the rot that nourished a different flower. This one bloomed even bigger and brighter. I saw that there were other flowers around that wilted and died. But this one bloomed and seeded the ground.

In dying it became like the rot before it, nourishment for the next generation of flowers awaiting their chance to bloom and hopefully seed. From its seeds, stronger flowers grew and bloomed. Some seeded and others did not. All in their time became the rot that nourished the roots of the next generation.

This is hope. It lies not in the flower nor in the seed. It lies not in the rot or the ground. It lays in the cycle of life continuing on.

For a friend

A bunch of years back I was in the middle of the worst depression I experienced in my life. I was watching my marriage meltdown from the inside. I lost friends I thought I’d keep forever and I felt so alone, so misunderstood and hopeless. I was nearing the end of my rope. Actually, I had passed that point. Somehow, I was still alive. I had planned to commit suicide, even set a date for it. Everything was planned. And then I reached out for help.

I did not receive help. I was met with horror and then denial. And I faced that date with pure fear and wonder. Would I or would I not? Nothing was going to stop me if I did. I hung on and battled the obsessive thoughts. I had no proof those thoughts were wrong at the time. I had no proof my life was worth keeping.

Now, looking back, I consider those days to be the blackest of my life. But I did have a question, why is my life worth saving? I felt no love, had no hope and yet I was still fighting, for what I did not know. I am an intensely curious creature so I decided to find out.

What if my life is worth saving? What does that mean? I had no idea and no one had any easy answers. I waited. I waited till the black clouds retreated and I could breathe again. I waited and counted time. I waited till I could feel again. Then I went looking for the things I wanted in my life.

I knew I wanted love. I knew I wanted friendship. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted more than anything to get rid of being so damn negative. That last one sounded like something I could change so I researched and studied. I hit upon the practice of gratitude. It didn’t promise much and it was extremely difficult. That difficulty told me I was in the right place.

The challenge was to come up with five things to be grateful for every day. It took a month, the first time out, to come up with five things. It took me six months to manage five things a week. A few months after I could write out five things a day.

I didn’t care if the only thing I was grateful for was that I hadn’t stubbed my toe that day. It counted! And I changed. It was like I was scrubbing the black clouds off my soul. I still had bad days. I still fell down the dark hole but I didn’t fall as far nor did I get stuck. Gratitude taught me the flavour of hope. Hope taught me about life. Shit is still shit but life goes on. And shit grows some mighty fine roses. It’s taken me a long road to here but I am grateful even for the shit in my life. That shit grows my rose garden.

 

If you or a loved one is considering suicide, please do not ignore it. Reach out and call the Suicide Hotline if in the US 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org