How’s to Not whack a Spider

Never ever kill a spider with your index finger stretched out inside the shoe.

It was the ugliest spider I have ever seen. My guts wanted to puke and all my instincts was to kill, kill, kill. In fact that was quite strange as I am one to move the buggers to a better location. But that thing, well was destined to die.

I asked for a shoe and got handed a flimsy child’s slipon. Without even thinking I whacked that reddish brown disgusting spyder into the next dimension. My hand came back up to hold my finger as a scream was stuck somewhere under my breast bone as I was trying to draw in breath. Ouch.

I’m pretty sure I fractured my index finger.

So I’m sporting a splint and trying to type with my nine other fingers. And don’t you just know my luck, I signed up for Camp Nanowrimo this year. I even have plenty of erotic material to distract myself with; clears throat, I mean to write.

Oh well. I might as well work on some of my other projects. Being down a finger, having pain fuzz out my brain, maybe I can edit?

Oh yeah, I’m really sorry I whacked that spider. I mean it was like it was me or it and I choose me. I guess I need a light some incense and say my prayers. But honestly, that was the first spider I ever met that I lost my damn mind over. How was I to know spiders came in ugly?

Friday’s Graduate Journal

There is no other greater courage than the one of being yourself. This week, I’ve undergone a ton of thought transformations, readjustments and feeling like a totally different person. We’ve uh..and it’s not the royal we in this case, but the we that is my system; We’ve come to the conclusion that integration is in our best interest so that we may accomplish our goals.

I’m embarking on a totally different journey, both personally and professionally and I have the full support and drive of myself, my whole self behind this. The bumps and shakes so far are disconcerting but manageable. I am healing. From awareness to switch management to co-consciousness to what I dare say is personality integration..I am learning who I am and how to be me all over again. This time without the heavy burden of fear coloring every thought and action.

This doesn’t mean I won’t face fear again. What it means is that I have let go of the burden of the past and the fear that it produced in my life. I am a multifaceted talented individual who doesn’t have a damn thing to be ashamed about. I am proud of who I am and proud of my accomplishments. But best yet, I love who I am and I seek to be a better person as I walk into the future. I have No need to seek acceptance outside of myself. As the Goddess says “If what you seek is not within, you will never find it outside of yourself” and that may be a horrible paraphrase but it illustrates the point just the same.

I have a wonderful amazing life with lots of supportive people in it. Many of which have no clue as to the trials and troubles I faced. I think it would clear up a lot of questions for them if they knew. I have some explaining to do as time marches on.

You know what the best part to all this is? I am growing, growing, growing, growing up.
Blooming where I am planted. *winks*


I love exploring the different Goddesses of the world and it helps that I’m in a group that does just that. Once a month we come together to discuss a Goddess and to pick the next month’s choice. January’s Goddess focus is on Callisto. She is described as a Greek goddess of instinct, protection, and flexibility. And that Her symbols are a mother bear, a willow branch, and the constellation Ursa Major.

I’m finding out that Callisto’s story is far more complicated that it first appears. She is a beloved follower of Artemis who becomes pregnant, is turned into a bear and bares a son and upon her death is placed in the stars. Her story drastically varies in all other details but those and in each variation there is a shift in cause and response to her plight.

I had done some brief reading before the meeting and had a basic over view of Her story. But siting in circle with other women, I found it surprising that no one really focused on the rape mythos surrounding Callisto. They focused more on seeing Her story as another mother’s myth; as metaphor for leaving maidenhood and entering motherhood. To me that view is a unequal fit.

It bothered me because I see in the story of Callisto a way to explore the emotional consequences for a woman who has been raped. I took the group’s avoidance of the rapes issues in the Callisto myth as a symptom of our society’s typical avoidance to openly address rape. Granted that ancient Greece was a strongly patriarchal society and this myth is colored by that perspective, I don’t feel that perspective is too different from our Western society today. Too often a sexual assault victim is blamed for the actions of the aggressor. And too often there isn’t a spiritual way to absorb and negate the feelings and trauma of rape.

For the modern women, I think it is possible to view Callisto’s life as a metaphor of a woman’s emotions who has endured a rape and the social pressures and responses of acknowledging that such a crime has occur to her. There still exists a social banishment from the ranks of the chaste virgin and the uncompassionate reception of a unwed mother. At the very least, I think Callisto’s story shows just how long the rape culture has existed and has become second nature in Western society.

But in looking deeper on the net for information on Callisto, first appearances are deceiving. Not only is the story of Callisto a way to explain a constellation Ursa Major but it is also adds to the continuing historical saga of Arcadia in which her son Arcas may have given his name to the region. Just glancing back to who Callisto’s father is and the myths surrounding him, I see echos of a familiar flood myth. Irreverent Lycaon sacrificed a human baby on the altar of Zeus and incurring his wrath which flooded the world, which I find eerily familiar to the story of Noah. And with Zeus turning Lycaon into a wolf, I wonder what the implications of this has on the modern mythos of the werewolf.

Historically, Callisto is considered an immortal as she is the stars of Ursa Major. But I don’t know if she really was viewed as a Goddess instead of an attribute of the Goddess Artemis. I do sense that to get a better understanding of Callisto I need to gain a better understanding of Artemis and her band and their role in the ancient Greek society.

Additional Links:
Google Books: The Callisto myth from Ovid to Atwood: initiation and rape in literature
The Tale of Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Bootes and Lupus : Callisto : Kallisto

Kuan Yin

Kuan Yin, Goddess of Mercy, Friend of Mankind
She Who Sees and Hears the Cry from the Human World.

I love exploring the different Goddesses of the world and it helps that I’m in a group that does just that. Once a month we come together to discuss a Goddess and to pick the next month’s choice. December’s choice was Kuan Yin, a Marion like figure, full of compassion which felt perfect for a winter season embedded with Western ideas.

But this meeting had much to offer me, all unexpected. As her names and titles and attributes were read aloud, it struck me how much of a savior role she filled. And then my very next thought was of Green Tara. It was so strong I could not shake Her calling for awareness. Both are very compassionate Goddesses and both are saviouress. Most surprisingly is that both share a common source, Avalokitesvara who was once a male Buddha who transcended gender roles. But Tara’s roots are much deeper, stretching back into Hinduism as a mother Goddess figure. I don’t know if it is my devotion to Gaia that brought to mind Green Tara as another aspect of my Great Lady.

For me, I now have two Goddesses to research in depth.

The Weaver Woman

Strange that this weekend Athena has popped up several times. I had been thinking about her the other day and then my friend mentions her as one of the ways that she views me. Scary thought that is.

Now I have a love / hate relationship with her. I love her strength but I’m still a little pissed at what she did to poor ole Arachnid. This is a tender spot for me as I enjoy the needle arts and I can not forget what happened to her anytime I pick up yarn. This time of year my mind tends to wander down this road as I see more spiders than normal. All of them repairing their webs in the early dew heavy morning.

I’m not sure just what lesson I’m supposed to take away from that myth but I know that the cost of perfection is so high that it’s almost worthless. It makes it more acceptable to leave at least one mistake in each piece least we fall afoul to Arachnid’s folly.

Athena in all her wisdom perhaps was right. It’s for Athena that I leave in the mistake. Believe me, you will have to look careful to find it, but find it you can.