Anger. It’s a powerful emotion. It is one I am finding saps my creativity like nothing else ever has. It’s been two days and I’m still so angry, I just don’t want to think about it. I start fuming and I get all prickly and touchy and I swear you could see the smoke pour out from my ears.
Aries. My boi. He would have gotten away with this with Isa but not with me. And he pulled this shit with me. This same man I’ve known sense I was 14, this man who blew my world apart last November with a bombshell confession, this same man who’s begged me for years to be my slave, this same who says he’s in love with me has pissed me to the highest levels possible. Those who know me, slink around in fear that this is ever zero’ed in on them. I hate watching them slink but right now it’s in everyone’s best interest to leave me the fuck alone. I am not calm. I’m seething.
A couple months back I took him on as a slave, got into deeper conversation even gave him simple assignments. Got nothing back. Not surprised. I didn’t even get a decent reason for it. I left him be. This is not unusual. Our talks are sporadic and always have been. One day he puts a need on the table, he needs the contact, frequent contact. Okay, this is something I can work with. A huge challenge for me as there is a thing as too much contact. Aries is a wanting daily contact and that’s way too much for me. But I can learn and adjust and seek that middle ground. I found a nice mix, about three days a week and once on weekend. Phone calls turned out to weight more for him so a few hours of my time to talk worked nice. Things were getting comfortable. We don’t live near each other anymore. And chances are we may never live near each other again. There is a lot of pain in that statement.
Aries started doing behavior I’ve had issues with in the past, the endless fantasizing and dragging me into it. It never mattered if it was about sex, or winning the lotto or just dreaming of living near each other or reliving what we had done in the past. I can only take so much of it, about 3 is where I flip out. I have issues with cycles and at three I kick in the stop the cycle. If I don’t I’ll get lost counting whatever it is, or repeating whatever it is. I will not follow him on this pointless fantasizing.
His wife doesn’t like his cross-dressing or his propendency to fantasize. But she’s happy with me filling in for whatever needs he has. I get it. It takes a lot of stress off her and she knows I’m not gonna run off with him. She cooks what he likes and I don’t. I still chuckle how it comes down to the kitchen and a man’s belly. But okay..off track… I work past my need to vanish with his cycling in fantasy and end up talking about what it means to him to be a slave. This is where things go off the rails.
He knew how serious I took this. I told him. And he’s just wanting bedroom sexy fun times with him directing all the things he wants to experience. That’s fine and dandy. But not with me. I’ve already been over this to hell and back with him. I’m not going to sit on the phone and talk about all the things we could do if we had the money or were closer. I’m not interested in bleeding my heart onto the pavement for him to get his rocks off. So, all this I’ll be your slave was just him doing whatever he thought it would take to get me to participate.
Then Sunday happened. I missed a few of my meds and payed for it painfully. I spent about three hours that morning having both my legs cramp and pull repeatedly. The pain knocks me back out and I sleep till they pull again, seven to eight times each. I manage to drag my ass up and pop a double of my pills and text Aries back. I let him know what was going on.
Me: Well hello. Sry I fell asleep last night and still waking up.
Aries: Its ok
Aries: In just bored and want my Autumn
Aries: Not your fault. I moved away
Me: Let that go.
Me: I spent the last few hours with leg cramps from hell.
Aries: My stomach is turning
Aries: Something I ate
Aries: One of my coworkers game me a breakfast burrito that is not agreeing with me
Yes, that was a slow burn as I recognized it for what it was. I knew Aries was selfish but I had no idea how selfish he deeply is. I’m still fuming. Not once did the conversation ask me how I was doing or what had happened. Not once did I feel like there was any care or concern for me. And this is the man who dropped the bombshell on me that he was in love with me sense we were kids and he was too scared to admit it, the same man who chased and begged me for years to be my slave? What the hell is this?
If this is the love he’s got, it’s not worth piss.