Obedience is not on the table.

I could not obey because I had no reason to obey.

Submission doesn’t come easy to any of us. Being DID makes it a challenge for our spouse, lovers and to those who engage in power exchange when they briefly dip their toes in our life. I don’t let many people in. Those who I have let in, stayed for decades. Except, those engaged in power exchange; those didn’t make it past the rapids that surround the moat.

I used to think I was slave. There is a part of me that is that. There is a part of me that is anything but that. Unfortunately, that gives the PE types whiplash. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotions, moods, ways of being, viewpoints and tons of contradictions. I’m part-changeling. I can be your favorite dream, your worse nightmare. I can be your perfect slave when you feel the lowest but it won’t last. I’ll be back to fighting with you when you’re on the top of the world. I’m too damn independent. Even when I sink to my knees, there is a part of me watching, judging you and me. That part, guards all of what I am. She can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. She determines if the relationship continues. She’s far more tenacious than a pit bull when set in course.

Even I bow down to her power over me. For she keeps us safe and sane. She protects us even from ourselves. She’s got the balls to make the hard painful choices. In reality, it is her standards you have to live up to. It’s her eyes you are judged with.

You may be wondering why this is? I did too for a long time. Autumn is the protector and has been for a very long time. She took on all the abuse. She’s the one who carries the load of the emotional scars. She’s the one who learned to say no and taught me to say no. She chose her own purpose long ago. She made the choice to shove me out, to endure the abuse. She sheltered me with herself and preserved me.

Why does any of that matter? I don’t know when it happened. As I’ve become more aware of the others, talk with, share with and accommodate their needs and desires; there has been a bleed through, a blending of basic psychological operations. Autumn’s ability to say no, cuts right into my ability to engage with others. Before, I would be wailing as to why I could not do a thing nor could I explain why that is. Now, I can. I see how each of us are joined to each other, influencing each other, affecting each other.

I’m getting a better idea of the “whom” that I am.

Blind obedience endangers me and thus I am unable to engage on that level. Obedience because that’s how the relationship is structured is blind obedience. I have no screaming urge inside me to kneel. If I am to ever kneel, it is with forethought and deep consideration. Emotions are not our driving life force. There is no great urge to serve. We have a devotion to duty, first and foremost. And we don’t give a shit about everyone who gets allergic about the word duty. I’ve had enough with dickheads trying to convince me that upholding duty was a dry affair and that service was better.

Still a bit bitter and raw over that.

All this is just part of an ongoing autopsy of a previous power exchange relationship. I had no reasons for obedience. I had other things to do and he hadn’t ranked high enough. I had no tolerance to stroke his ego. I saw no purpose in most of his orders. I saw danger in many of his orders.

I went through a self-imposed hell. I was afraid and I kept walking back into the fire. I kept learning, growing. I kept walking into that hell. Till the day I walked through the fire instead of stepping back.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.
-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek-Next Generation

Writing an Unsendable letter

I’m sneaking out to write this. Sorta a unsendable letter in keeping with the rules Autumn enforces. Though I think she is right on this, that no good can come from me sending this. If he wants to be left alone, email him is out of the question. But here I can write freely, somewhat. I know he has read this blog at least once. That knowledge had me in full panic. Not because he read it but because he denied ever reading anything I wrote. Maybe that changed after he said he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t want me to know for whatever reason.

Google+ is sunsetting in a few days time. I’m in full panic. All of his words are going to be lost, all his poetry, all of what I have desperately held on too will be lost. Half of his work is already gone with groups closing. It feels like a slow death. I am losing my past, my guidance, my inspiration, everything. I know its not wise to put someone in that place but even with all my troubles, he was, is daily reading. And soon it will be gone. Autumn attempted to ween me off. Its not going well.

Soon it will be done cold turkey. I’m scared. Even if I couldn’t maintain a relationship with him, I at least had access to his works. Not ideal but better than nothing at all. He hasn’t published any chapbooks. I would have bought them, all of them.

Now I’m facing a world without even the stability his words brought. The problem with why I am still holding on is because in a way I am where i want to be. To worship the man I love with all my being, to adore, to be at his feet learning his wisdom, to hold to him inside of my being as I struggle to that better person that his life theough example encourages me to be. That’s the kind of slave I am. Except I have DID and Autumn refuses to be a slave. She sees danger long before I do.

I know this can consume me. In a way, I want to be consumed by the devotion. But I am only speaking for myself and not all the other parts.

I am losing this when G+ shuts down for good. I will only have my memories. I know I have to let go. That I should have let go a long time ago. But now I know what I am, what submission means to me, how far I want go, how much contact I require, how much I need someone in physical life. I am grateful to learn these lessons. Yet I mourn my loss. And it is my loss as I, we, failed him over and over again.

I know it wasn’t good match. I have too many issues, caused too much trouble, did wrong too many times, wore out his patience. I wasn’t alone in this but I bare the repercussions of it. I am left in silence of a past looking on, rooting for his success, rooting for his dreams and wishing him happiness at every turn.

It is unknown if I will ever met anyone like him or someone to draw out that depth of desire. Autumn will safeguard against this. I know she believes this is a dangerous path to walk. I still believe it is possible to walk this safely.

I don’t need Autumn’s reminders of all that went wrong. His absence in my life is more than enough testament. My own lack of obedience damns me. I have enough to flog myself with for the rest of my life. Somehow I will put that away. Somehow I will let that go.

We ran. I ran. She ran. For what reason, there were many. I wasn’t ready for any of it. I didn’t understand myself nearly as much. Fear does live inside of us. But so does laughter and joy. As does happiness and pleasure.

What I really want to tell him is this; I hope you are safe, well and happy out there. I hope you look up at the stars at night. I hope you stop to smell the flowers when you can. I hope you still love and are loved in return. I hope you refuse to let me and my past damage your future. I hope you find those girls of your dreams. I hope you keep going forward. I hope you never give up. I hope you keep writing because you are brilliant and the world will lose much if you choose otherwise. I hope that you have enough. I hope all your good dreams come true.

Destiny Awaits

Why did it take so long for me to realize, my collapse, my stuttering, my moments of dear in the headlights was a fear response, primal, instinctual, frozen in the moment brought on by the yelling, by the cues that told me you were reaching anger? I’m angry. So angry that after the fear fades, that I was there, back there, again and worse, I am being blamed for it, for being human, for being me, for having instinctual responses, for failing to control it. I’m angry that when I reach out once the fear faded I’m met with failure and disgust. And three words repeated suck the life out of me. ‘I don’t care.’ Three damaging, damning words I grew up with constantly…when I was desperate to be loved, desperate to have worth in someone’s eyes even if those eyes were those of my abuser.

With open hands, I return and all I receive each time is ‘I don’t care’ and I collapse. If you don’t care, why should I? If you don’t care, why should I continue on, with you, with that relationship? The wind’s been blown out of my sails. I’ve run aground. You don’t care. It’s the only truth I can hold on too. You don’t care even when I do. You don’t care because it’s always been my problem. You don’t care. That’s all I know. It’s the only truth I know. You don’t care. And I stayed, working on myself, suffering the silences, begging, praying and worshipping a shrine of love that never materialized. Not from you. You don’t care. I sure as fuck do.

I care that my needs were ignored. I care that I settled for less than I deserved. Oh, did I settle! A lifetime, I wanted a lifetime. It was a part-time job (what relationship?) on my knees singing your praises. Each one of them honest and heartfelt but it means nothing because ‘You don’t care.’ I wanted so much that I allowed myself to settle for far less. I am unable to say I was blinded by your light. I know you, what and who you are. I wanted you, all of you, the good the bad, the flaws and foibles. But you don’t care and that’s the most important part to all of this. I’ve heard it said by lesser men like my father. I’ve heard it said in disgust. I’ve heard it and now I know the truth of it after all.

I care. Always have and now it is my turn to care about me and to make sure my most important people care about me as well. ‘Cause if they can utter those three words to me, about me, about us, then they have zero place in my future. Because I care!

Getting out of bed isn’t so bad.

It’s been a good day. The morning is a bit odd. There exists a twinge of compulsion from Isa but I push it back. I’m forcing her to break protocol and in essence disobey. I refuse to allow her to submit again. It must go though me to her or not at all. As I am the highest authority in the system anything less is counterfeit and will be removed. I had to express that. It tastes bitter on my tongue still even though it’s been a good day. Better than good, actually.

The daily routines are holding well. Adding limitations was the trick. She would work until hospital standards were met. Her body would collapse long before that was achieved. In many ways she has no concept of when enough is enough or when to stop. I exist as her limiter, then rules, then what is physically capable. sigh I feel her behind my eyeballs at times. She’s given me a bit of a heart by sharing with her. It hurts now to be the bad guy even when it is necessary.

Our husband brought us home a bike. It’s nice. I haven’t ridden in over 20 years and I still got on all shaky. Now we are a biking household! Four bikes, four folks and plenty of time in the sun. This feels good. More inner-connection, more shared activities. And Saturday, I’ll fire up my Minecraft server and we’ll all play together. I may even stream that. Maybe. I’m undecided.

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I rarely talk about my relationships here. My boy Aries, oh he demands a lot of me! Long distance relationship though but we’ve known each other for a long long time. I provide for him what his wife does not, acceptance without judgment and control. (Now, you in the background who just choked on your drink, I see you.) He had chased me down for decades to be my slave. I had refused him so many times. How can I, do him any justice as a Mistress? How is he able to accept me switching out? How do I do this ethically? I still have a ton of questions. After I decided I would accept him, I called his wife and had a long chat and her blessings. There will always be limitations on this relationship because I am not a dick and have no intentions of destroying what he has.

And I have a ton to learn. I picked up Vile’s “The Breaking of Sabrina” ages ago. Fun read but more like a primer of everything not to do. I grabbed Malkinius’s “I Can Do This” and read it in a single night. That one left me with a lot of chewing thoughts. I found OWNING AND TRAINING A MALE SLAVE By Ingrid Bellemare and have been giving that look over. It really clashes with everything I believe about consensual enslavement. Oddly I don’t have a problem reading works set for Male dominance with female submissive and I think that’s because my boy is a bit gender-queer, kinda like me. I’m not finding much of value in Femdom and that’s perhaps I am revolted by the philosophy that our boys are worthless worms who are inferior to their Mistresses. I have learned to respect the strength of will it takes to be a slave.

Aries’ depth of patience and trust is incredible. It was him whom convinced me that we could do this. So he is mine and I do not take it lightly. So much more to learn and unlearn. I am learning to include him in my life on a daily basis. We are teaching each other. He needs the contact and I need him to be pleasing when he does as well as me being receptive to him in my life even at that level. He needs that touch of control more when his life is spinning out of control. I’ve seen how it calms him. And I still chuckle and shake my head at how all this has turned out. Aries was Isa’s first natural Dominant. He awoke in her the calling of her submission. And now I own him and he kneels for me. And who woke my inclination towards dominance: kindergarten and then in third grade a freckled red-headed little boy.

Life is indeed strange. I’ll be around more often. I may keep Isa devoted to poetry for a measure of time. We’ll see. wink

Attribution Error

Healing comes from the inside, born of love and forgiveness.

On Silence and Threats
I can do a decade standing on my head.
But we both know that’s a lie.
I’ll be standing on my feet the entire time,
slowly snowed over with Kleenex’s.

Finely solved the whole dream issue of why it hurts so much to not have a Master…
because I had not stopped to look at what I have and to appreciate what I do have. Instead I stared long into the past and let that pain eat me instead of looking forward to building my future.

And I’m weird. I have everything I need to keep and enforce boundaries yet I step aside to allow Isa to be what she is, soft hearted. But I am the core of steel that protects her. A Master must be my equal or better for anything less will continue to cause Isa damage. There are a few odd rules involved. I’m not interested in changing the person. I will deliver a hearty smack down to idiots that cause harm but that’s punishment. If the person is to change, they must do it on their and for their own reasons. I’m not buying the idea that we change because we want the other person to love us more. Just, no.

I don’t tend to peep up and ask questions. I prefer to record and observe. This leads to many interesting observations and unusual conclusions. Which means I need more communication that normal, openness given results in openness returned.

And from now, that have to be able to deal with me. On my level. Isa might/may be their slave but I am not. I’m not always out because I am cleaning up another mess. I am capable of playing nice and acting as support role for Isa. But if I keep getting dragged out on clean up duty, then something is Fucking Wrong! Sense I am not going, I get to take the garbage out. Just don’t be garbage. Easy.

And I’m tired. Tired of prying Isa’s fingers off time and again. Tired of what I know comes after. Tired of being the bad guy, every time. Tried of doing what I know is right. She makes it hard to stay in the front. And today is one of those days where I wish I could just separate from her, like conjoined twins having surgery. There is nothing I know of that can do that. And stop right there, integration is not the answer.

It’s funny, the more I get to look at all of this, I just want to slap her. It’s so obvious that he doesn’t love her like she feels for him. She’s probably nothing more than Replacement Object #4,635; just another voice assigned with the same name, same duties. So she lied. Yup, she lied big time. No, we are not all in. It’s just her. Me, I’m tired of the cycle. I’m tired of being monkey in the middle. We gave integration a shot a long time ago and when it broke, things were worse than before. He has failed to prove he knows how to deal with all of us. All I can say to that is this; there are easier fish in the sea.

Owning a slave that has DID is a pain in the ass. I know because we are a lovable pain in the ass to our husband and boy. Twenty plus years with both of them, they’ve been there from before knowing and stayed and supported us after knowing. They did the work to gain a relationship with me. They did the work to earn a measure of trust, with me.

The buck stops with me, no matter how many times I am willing and happy to step back to let Isa just be. I don’t have her innocence or joy. I don’t have her starry eyed enthusiasm. I don’t have her child like wonder. I don’t have her sensuality. I don’t have the depth of her emotions. I don’t even have her laughter. What I do have, is an appreciation of everything she is and the will and strength to protect her. Even when it’s gonna cut her heart out again.

Hard Limits

Another lovely post neglected in my drafts folder sense Nov 18, 2018. 

I realized I’ve never sat down and written them out. Oddly, after receiving a few emails here, I need too. I doubt that this will prevent those kinds of boundary crossing emails but at least I can point to it and say, hey, they were listed in the profile if you bothered to look. Having a relationship with me or even playing with me is high risk. I have more than enough trauma in my past that I am still finding triggers. I have CPTSD and DID. It’s more than enough trouble to deal with on most days.

These are my hard limits.

Oral sex – I am not into receiving oral. I don’t have issues giving blow jobs.

Cum on my skin – Inside of me or not at all. If it gets on me, you better get it off quick. This will not change. I have attempted behavior modification and this will not change.
Peanut butter or similar consistences on my skin – yes I am a tyrant about the peanut butter knife in the sink. If you eat peanut butter, keep your items clean.

Scat and vomit play – no, just no.

Force feedings – Don’t even try it.

Attempting to startle me – will end up with a punch in the face and me looking at you like you are stupid. I have CPTSD.

Knife play and Gunplay – is out. Again, CPTSD.

Face slapping – again, I have CPTSD. I really don’t want to have to take you to the hospital afterward.

Choking – again, I have CPTSD, so no, don’t do it.

Any form of blood play – You are not using mine and I don’t want someone else’s on me.

Deep bruising – This is out for medical reasons, high blood pressure that’s medicated and the fact I have factor V Levin, a blood clotting disorder.

Purple body parts – Medical. Seriously, don’t disrupt my circulation.

Nerve tingles/prickles – Often in the joints due to pinched nerves so avoid.

Hitting Aiming for the Sciatic nerve – WTF Asshole!

No physical blows above the shoulders – Do I have to really explain this one?

Drinking and drugs – I don’t drink socially and I don’t want drugs anywhere near me. Don’t push me on this. Again, CPTSD.

Using the term ‘Daddy’ – just no. I am unable to reconcile my childhood sexual abuse with this term.

Using the term ‘little girl’ – just no. Same as above.

No Tequila ever – seriously this is big bad juju.

Yelling – Don’t be a yeller in an argument with me. Everything falls apart and is super hard to get back on track, this goes back to childhood abuse.

Asking me to find another slave for you – No, no, and no. I am poly but that is a giant fuck no.

FinDom – Forget it. I work, I get paid. If I don’t get paid, I ain’t there.

Drinking urine – This is out for medical reasons. My kidneys are not your play toys. They are my blood filters and they have more than enough to deal with.

Forced Vegan – No. But I do love eating my vegetables.

Forced to change religion or political stance – No.

Mind reading Doms – I see in your future plenty of disappointment. Just don’t.

Expecting me to submit to a woman – This is not in my nature, not even to please my Dom, Master, Top, Husband, what have you.

Sailor Moon, Barney, Sponge Bob Square Pants and PewDiePie – are words of giant disrespect and not tolerated at all.

Singing the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song – will earn you singledom as I walk away.

No Cam, No Pics – Don’t ask. Don’t beg. I roll my eyes every time I get this and yeah, I don’t give this shit out.

Black and White thinking – The whole my way or the highway thinking rubs me so wrong, if this is you, save us some time, keep walking. Don’t even go with the whole, that’s what a Master is either.

Taking everything personal – If this is a constant trait, I will be gone. Then you can take that personal.

Chewing on things this morning.

It’s strange. I look back in my folder of all the things that are Him and I end up crying. I’m not sure why I am crying anymore. I fought so hard to get away and I succeeded. I should be celebrating, be happy. For the most part, I am. Mostly, I’m not stressed out. Until I open that folder and read. Then I weep. It threatens to drown me even still. And I opened that folder today and read.

I remember the terror I felt and still feel from reading his words. I couldn’t communicate that properly. It felt larger than life, realer than real and it was wrapped in confusion. On one hand, it was erotic and a bit of a turn on and yet the other was a terror that wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t reconcile the two. Reading it now, maybe the fear was the erotic element. I know the physical reality would be disastrous.

I keep going over one scene, one where I was instructed to crush my nipple and masturbate at the top of the hour for the whole day. Ended up about eight hours, so eight times. By the end of it, I could have cheerfully killed him. I was angry and in pain. For most folks, it may have been a walk in the park. I have limitations and this one is in my arms. My tendons are too tight, too short with limited flexibility. I am unable to crawl on my hands due to them, unable to type at professional speeds and even a light masturbation session leaves me in tears due to my arms screaming in pain. Through some kind of bravado, I completed the task assigned but my tongue was rather sharp, rude and cutting. I still have no pride in that accomplishment.

I don’t understand why he wanted me to focus on being happy that I accomplished the task or that I made him happy for doing so. I don’t understand why I was admonished for feeling the pain. I can transform most pain into something else, either I do not feel it anymore or I can turn it into something erotic but there is a limit to it. Some pains cannot be transformed and this one, I couldn’t do anything with. I had, through the process, transformed the pain but in the end, I had no choice but to feel the full effects of it. Oh, I found my physical limit that day! Both arms ended up swelling and needed ice packing. The next few days I was left with limited mobility and pain that lasted a while.

There’s no pride there for me. None. I have no desire to be covered in bruises. If anything, I’ve spent most of my life avoiding bruises of all kinds. I don’t even like hickeys and it was fighting words if a boyfriend ended up giving one to me. It deserved a punch in my book because I was clear I don’t like them and they weren’t to be done. And I did punch back when it happened.

Looking back, some of the most painful things he said, kinda blames me for him leaning towards treating me harshly, as if I was a masochistic slave. Like he’d say, paraphrasing here, ‘he didn’t know why, he’s not normally like this, but with me, his mind drifts to darker places’. I remember clamming up, unwilling to talk and to share my thoughts and fantasies least he uses them against me. I would only answer a direct question but I no longer volunteered information.

I think when I look back and cry it’s because I know I gave my all, did things that were so far outside the norm for me, became something I no longer recognized and all I had sought was being given to someone else and I felt abused and couldn’t shake it. Agreement or not, slave or not, I felt abused. And even that confused me, scared me. He once told me that if I ever felt trapped then it would be over. But the thing was, I had felt trapped from the beginning and was fighting that feeling with everything I had. I kept my mouth shut. Every time I attempted to express it didn’t go right and I ended up being told it’s my fear that was holding me back and that I needed to embrace it, embrace this like it was a process that had a happier ending at the end. I believed him.

I lost something with him that I had cherished. I had believed I was a slave, someone who was happiest being directed and told what to do, how to be and how to live. I’m not sure I can be one. I’m not sure I have the personality of one anymore. Though this all, I’ve discovered the saddest two words ever; ‘If only..’. If only, he’d stop hurting me. If only, he cared. If only, I could make him see what he was doing to me. If only, I could be a better slave to him maybe he’d stop hurting me. If only, if only I knew what to do. I did know what to do as it turns out; run. So I ran. So I fought. So I wore him down. So he let me go. So now I stand without yet looking in.