Feels like I had a rock drop on me. There I was reading when a stray thought took my total focus, solving a puzzle that I had been working on for a few months now.
I’m at least a sexual submissive. I can no longer deny that. I enjoy pleasing and knowing that I am pleasing. It is to the point that without that sex becomes something like eating dry toast, I do it when I’m starving and not one second before. I also see that I’ve been picky on who and when I choose to be pleasing with.
Right now it feels distantly different than having a people pleasing disease. I’m not attempting to please everyone. I simply do not give enough of a shit to do so. I do see mild traces of attempts to please in my relationships. It isn’t very strong nor consistent. For the most part I’m thoroughly frustrated with the amount of things unexpressed by others in my life that I’ve had to figure out after much trial and error. It would be so much simpler to just tell me what they wanted instead of hiding it.
Is it really that controlling to bluntly say, you’d like to have fresh coffee made when you come home? Or that you’d prefer to have the computer open so you can decompress? Or that you need about a half hour of quiet time alone when you come home? Or that you’d prefer that dinner is cooked and served the exact same time every day?
It took me almost ten years to figure these things out about my husband. The fact that it took that long still fills me with shame.
In those same years, he taught me to stop asking permission to do things. Oddly, I know it wasn’t his intention but I stopped doing things. I know he wanted me to feel free and do what I wanted. He just didn’t know that I already had been, until he stopped me.
For the last few months I’ve been debating hard with myself on if I was even still a submissive. Having all of ourselves collected, I wonder if it was still possible. Even I find it mentally exhausting to be in Domme mode in my relationship. I wonder if that mode is just a shield, a tool to use to create distance and not something I do because of enjoyment.
I’ve never taken the chance to just be me, to find that way to be pleasing and to be found pleasing in return. I have always held back, afraid. In doing so, I denied my own pleasure and happiness.
I don’t think I’ll ever consider myself a slave again. Someone with submissive tendency’s, yes that I could. I’m finding it hard to let this dream go, even after all these years. It’s been a part of me, yearning for fulfillment. And I am facing the facts that without action, without a partner they never will be. How does one make a happy life having to let go, damn near reject such a core part of themselves? Even though it’s a good marriage, it’s just dry toast. No one is waiting in the wings. No one is out there for me.
I’ve traded ignorance for clarity; befuddlement for deep sorrow. These few core things are foundational to my happiness. And they have been historically those things I have been rejected on time and again. Is it truly so startling to have someone want to be pleasing?
I would have been better off learning to be selfish. Instead I tuned out and turned off-purposeless. It feels so odd to say I need to learn to be selfish, that I need to learn to engage once again, to be a bit hedonist about my own pleasures and enjoyments.
Maybe I just needed to write out these morose thoughts or bullshits as I’ve learned to call them. Perhaps the morning will seam brighter.