I knew one day this day would come where I’d see your nations flag as a visitor. So I know its time to confess my sins, those that have been so freely spoken here.
I wanted more, that you know. But what you don’t know damns me. I never fall out of love. It never fades, at least not for decades and so far not even then. I just keep tight control on that emotion. So how have I done what I have if I’m still in love? I ask this often and I have no easy answers.
My devotion consumed me. The distance and lack of consummation burned me. I tied myself up so tightly to you that release almost killed me. I think I took it way to far, this submission of mine. Frightened, I pulled away. And then he came into my life. All your lessons and my sins were heaped on my head, unable to serve two Masters. But one was closer and promised more, at least for a time. Yes, he did go too fast, too soon.
I broke trust with you and felt I didn’t deserve to stay so I banished myself. I was selfish and needed you, still, need you, so I stayed silent. I knew this day would come. The piper would call and I would tell all. Some say Second Life is a game but I saw it as a place where I could be all that I am without restrictions placed by life’s demands. I still hold tightly to the lessons I leaned kneeling at your feet.
I was selfish. I wanted more control and outside of Second Life. I knew my wants went against what you felt was proper. I understand why now. I am dealing with scars earned justly. With you, it was easy to submit. It still is and I know it will remain so. I have a wayward mind and that’s always been the trouble.
When you found your bride…hurt and happy in equal measure. I grieved the loss of an impossible hope. But by then, in that gap, he…I made a choice. I wanted to experience this in real, to be real and not some dearly held unfulfilled dream. So I quietly vanished. It does help he, in essence, banned me from SL which caused me to limit my visits. Guilt doubled sucks.
I know my attempts to tell you were very poor. This isn’t something to fault yourself for not knowing. I’ve stayed open here in hopes of one day all this would explain.
And now its all crashed on us. Lost him for I failed to be consistent, to keep my word. It’s an ongoing problem. I feel there are justifications but there are none in our mind for you. I am guilty.
In many ways, I used SL as an escape from living. I would sit and wait day after day. Nothing around me mattered and nothing got done. I wrecked my health sitting in that chair, I’m sure. And I would do so again if I returned. Your absence made me live again as I hoped your bride brought peace in your life. You are still very much a part of me. I took bits and made them mine. Your language soothes me even still. Your principles I strive to follow. It’s your footsteps I place my feet in even when I fail.
I found a lot of what I was looking for out here. Pain and danger too. I found that peace, that inner devotion, that acceptance of what I am, a slave inside. It moves me and keeps me active when there is a whip. You were right. I do need the stricter structure. SL can not provide that.
And yet I failed here too. Maybe its guilt eating me. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe the trust is too broken. Maybe… I have no answers. All I know is I need and have nothing to show for it beyond the lessons I learn so slowly.
I think of you often and am glad you have your girl. I smile knowing you are not alone anymore. There is a small hope that you will understand but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to hope that you were in love with me as I was you for I know how much being distant hurts on top of what I’ve done.
I’m afraid I will never be free to be this part of me for real. I keep failing. And I’m left to wonder how this dream, this need may be possible. I was always looking for a lifetime and real life. I knew that was a need. I thought I could keep Sl and life separate. I didn’t know I would fall in love in M/s. I failed to consider the implications. I love rarely but deeply. That is why this is so difficult.
I want him even still after saying all this and I feel unbearable guilt. I’m afraid I made a fast choice without knowing why. Every time I feel the chains tighten as I weep. And I weep as I refuse him over and over again. I’ve made a mess of all this. I don’t know how to fix any of it. I’m almost sure none of it can be fixed. Live and learn.