Destiny Awaits

Why did it take so long for me to realize, my collapse, my stuttering, my moments of dear in the headlights was a fear response, primal, instinctual, frozen in the moment brought on by the yelling, by the cues that told me you were reaching anger? I’m angry. So angry that after the fear fades, that I was there, back there, again and worse, I am being blamed for it, for being human, for being me, for having instinctual responses, for failing to control it. I’m angry that when I reach out once the fear faded I’m met with failure and disgust. And three words repeated suck the life out of me. ‘I don’t care.’ Three damaging, damning words I grew up with constantly…when I was desperate to be loved, desperate to have worth in someone’s eyes even if those eyes were those of my abuser.

With open hands, I return and all I receive each time is ‘I don’t care’ and I collapse. If you don’t care, why should I? If you don’t care, why should I continue on, with you, with that relationship? The wind’s been blown out of my sails. I’ve run aground. You don’t care. It’s the only truth I can hold on too. You don’t care even when I do. You don’t care because it’s always been my problem. You don’t care. That’s all I know. It’s the only truth I know. You don’t care. And I stayed, working on myself, suffering the silences, begging, praying and worshipping a shrine of love that never materialized. Not from you. You don’t care. I sure as fuck do.

I care that my needs were ignored. I care that I settled for less than I deserved. Oh, did I settle! A lifetime, I wanted a lifetime. It was a part-time job (what relationship?) on my knees singing your praises. Each one of them honest and heartfelt but it means nothing because ‘You don’t care.’ I wanted so much that I allowed myself to settle for far less. I am unable to say I was blinded by your light. I know you, what and who you are. I wanted you, all of you, the good the bad, the flaws and foibles. But you don’t care and that’s the most important part to all of this. I’ve heard it said by lesser men like my father. I’ve heard it said in disgust. I’ve heard it and now I know the truth of it after all.

I care. Always have and now it is my turn to care about me and to make sure my most important people care about me as well. ‘Cause if they can utter those three words to me, about me, about us, then they have zero place in my future. Because I care!

Love without Trust is nothing.

Originally I posted this on G+ on Jan 5, 2019, but as it’s shutting down sooner than expected and I wish to keep this, I’m transferring this here.

How did I lose him? By being myself. No, no, that’s the lie. I didn’t lose him because I was myself. I never had him to begin with. He was never something to own. So I never lost him. Can’t lose what you never had. Can’t own a person so you can’t lose a person. So what in the hell did I lose?

A relationship. That’s what I lost. Why? On both parts, a lack of trust, both not listening to each other, both not communicating properly, both not taking the time to build the relationship in the first place and a break down in trusting in a repair process of communication. When he said he no longer trusted me, I stopped trying. I refuse to build my house on sand anymore.

I don’t trust him and it showed. I wasn’t treating it like a relationship in the first place. My own issues are too much for him. And you know what? That’s okay. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. And neither is he.

I wanted to trust him. I kept trying and I kept failing. So, in reality, the relationship broke up because I was being myself. I was being authentically me, with all my insanity. And you know what? That’s really okay. It wasn’t meant to be.

He can say till he’s blue in the face it’s because I lied and I will shake my head. I should have Never put up with that accusation from day one. I put up with too much bs that broke my trust him. Yes, he’s brilliant. Yes, he’s incredibly insightful. Yes, he’s downright amazing. He is also very human with all the flaws that means.

But here’s the thing, the man who stays with me will do so because he loves me for who I am, flaws and all. He’ll make sure I know that we’re secure no matter my issues. He’ll make sure he’s standing by my side through it all. And if he falls, I’ll be right there beside him helping him stand back up.

I won’t have to worry about everything breaking apart because of a disagreement. I won’t have to worry that silence is a punishment or abandonment. I won’t have to worry that he’s talking to others because he’ll trust me enough to share even that part of his life. I won’t have to worry about what he’s thinking because he’ll tell me. I won’t have to worry that his disappointment in me because I did something he didn’t like, will lead to a breakup. I won’t have to worry about walking on eggshells around him. I won’t have to worry about the mind games playing out because they won’t exist. I won’t have to worry about a whole lot of shit because I won’t put up with it.

That part the sucks, is that I love him. Flaws in all. shrugs It wasn’t meant to be and that’s okay. And it will be okay for you too.

If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are, they can fuck the right off. Fuck ’em!

Explanation owed

I knew one day this day would come where I’d see your nations flag as a visitor. So I know its time to confess my sins, those that have been so freely spoken here.

I wanted more, that you know. But what you don’t know damns me. I never fall out of love. It never fades, at least not for decades and so far not even then. I just keep tight control on that emotion. So how have I done what I have if I’m still in love? I ask this often and I have no easy answers.

My devotion consumed me. The distance and lack of consummation burned me. I tied myself up so tightly to you that release almost killed me. I think I took it way to far, this submission of mine. Frightened, I pulled away. And then he came into my life. All your lessons and my sins were heaped on my head, unable to serve two Masters. But one was closer and promised more, at least for a time. Yes, he did go too fast, too soon.

I broke trust with you and felt I didn’t deserve to stay so I banished myself. I was selfish and needed you, still, need you, so I stayed silent. I knew this day would come. The piper would call and I would tell all. Some say Second Life is a game but I saw it as a place where I could be all that I am without restrictions placed by life’s demands. I still hold tightly to the lessons I leaned kneeling at your feet.

I was selfish. I wanted more control and outside of Second Life. I knew my wants went against what you felt was proper. I understand why now. I am dealing with scars earned justly. With you, it was easy to submit. It still is and I know it will remain so. I have a wayward mind and that’s always been the trouble.

When you found your bride…hurt and happy in equal measure. I grieved the loss of an impossible hope. But by then, in that gap, he…I made a choice. I wanted to experience this in real, to be real and not some dearly held unfulfilled dream. So I quietly vanished. It does help he, in essence, banned me from SL which caused me to limit my visits. Guilt doubled sucks.

I know my attempts to tell you were very poor. This isn’t something to fault yourself for not knowing. I’ve stayed open here in hopes of one day all this would explain.

And now its all crashed on us. Lost him for I failed to be consistent, to keep my word. It’s an ongoing problem. I feel there are justifications but there are none in our mind for you. I am guilty.

In many ways, I used SL as an escape from living. I would sit and wait day after day. Nothing around me mattered and nothing got done. I wrecked my health sitting in that chair, I’m sure. And I would do so again if I returned. Your absence made me live again as I hoped your bride brought peace in your life. You are still very much a part of me. I took bits and made them mine. Your language soothes me even still. Your principles I strive to follow. It’s your footsteps I place my feet in even when I fail.

I found a lot of what I was looking for out here. Pain and danger too. I found that peace, that inner devotion, that acceptance of what I am, a slave inside. It moves me and keeps me active when there is a whip. You were right. I do need the stricter structure. SL can not provide that.

And yet I failed here too. Maybe its guilt eating me. Maybe it’s fear. Maybe the trust is too broken. Maybe… I have no answers. All I know is I need and have nothing to show for it beyond the lessons I learn so slowly.

I think of you often and am glad you have your girl. I smile knowing you are not alone anymore. There is a small hope that you will understand but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to hope that you were in love with me as I was you for I know how much being distant hurts on top of what I’ve done.

I’m afraid I will never be free to be this part of me for real. I keep failing. And I’m left to wonder how this dream, this need may be possible. I was always looking for a lifetime and real life. I knew that was a need. I thought I could keep Sl and life separate. I didn’t know I would fall in love in M/s. I failed to consider the implications. I love rarely but deeply. That is why this is so difficult.

I want him even still after saying all this and I feel unbearable guilt. I’m afraid I made a fast choice without knowing why. Every time I feel the chains tighten as I weep. And I weep as I refuse him over and over again. I’ve made a mess of all this. I don’t know how to fix any of it. I’m almost sure none of it can be fixed. Live and learn.

Five days after my birthday…

She watches a man place a well-thorned rose with the softest of petals in my window and wonders. She walks to the window and steps outside the retrieve the rose making sure she was alone before cupping her hands around it gently and lifting it to her nose as she inhales and smiles knowing there is a good place to keep it… and whispers so softly, “Everything deserves love”.

True that day and every day that’s come after.