Out of the Void

Someday I want to look back and see the progress that I’ve made and smile. I want to see how far I’ve come. I want to see all the bridges behind me, all the ones I thought I’d never cross, all the ones far in the distance, even the ones that were burning leaving nothing but fresh grass on the banks. I want to look out from up top the hill and look into the valley of my life, raise my arms in victory “I made it!”. Someday, I’m going to be standing there, happy as hell. It’s going to feel like winning the best race of my life. It’s going to feel great!

I can see the path up the mountain. It is a steep trek. Some places look likes going up a sheer cliff. The distance feels so far away from where I want to get to. I need to get to. The mountain is forming. For a long time, there was no mountain. I was left in a void, aimless, wandering. Now, I’m standing on the valley floor. The heather is soft and sweet water flows down the mountain. Everything here is a beauty, picturesque. The distant mist fades midmorning undressing the mountain. The sunbeams around the peek and I stand watching. There! That is the place I must go. I can see the shape. I can feel the form. The damp air clings to my skin. My lungs draw in deeply of the green here and strength me.

The soft soil under my feet reminds me I need to take measured steps. I must take my walking stick with me. I must have the balance to go on. I must be prepared for it is unknown if I will come back this way again. Today, I will take stock of my resources. Today, I will plan to scale the mountain. I remember the feeling of victory and I will have it. Someday I will look down into the valley and see how far I have truly come. Today, I look for the first time towards the place I want to be.

Inspired Chicken and Mushrooms

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 bag frozen chopped spinach
1/2 of a yellow onion, thinly sliced
2 cups heaping of sliced baby portabella mushrooms
1 can of golden mushroom soup (Campbell’s)
diced garlic to taste
garam masala to taste
Salt and Pepper to taste
Adobo spice seasoning (Goya’s)
cooking oil/vegetal oil
1 c chicken stock
cooked rice

Split chicken breast in half. Season well on each side with adobo seasoning. Warm up a fry pan and pour a little bit of vegetable oil and add a nice bit of diced garlic. Once the garlic is dancing, pan fry the chicken breasts in the garlic infused oil. This may take batches. Don’t crowd the chicken in the pan.

Once the chicken is done, set that aside. Add a knob of butter (2 or 3 TBS) to the pan to help deglaze the bits. You want the brown bit loosed off the bottom. Once the butter is melted add the onions and more diced garlic and toss to coat in oil. Once the onions turn a bit translucent, add in the mushrooms and toss to coat. Give it a few minutes then add in the stock and stir the bottom well to loosen any other bits. Those bits give depth and flavour to the dish.

Bring to a simmer and add the spinach. Stir well and cover for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently. When the spinach is defrosted and incorporated add in the can of soup, stirring well to incorporate. Cover and simmer for about 10 minutes or until the mushrooms are fully cooked. Taste and add seasonings. Be aware that garam masala needs time to develop. I used about a tablespoon. Salt and pepper to taste. Re-add cooked chicken breasts and coat. You can add in the juices but will need to readjust the seasonings. Let simmer on very low for about 15 minutes. You could skip the simmer and that’s fine as well.

Serve chicken breast on top of a bed of cooked rice with the sauce on top.

I made this last night from what I had in my pantry. It was delicious! And it earned a spot on my repeats menu so I have to write it down.

Network and the 30-second elevator speech.

I’m a freelance writer and I don’t talk about it here on this blog. This is a first for me.  I jumped into the entrepreneurial pool back when I was in High School. I was dazzled by the allure of using my mind to create solutions to problems. I wanted the challenge of taking a product and developing a market for it. My dreams were giants. I’d get high off the scent of OfficeMax, though now I think it was mostly the toner ink causing that. I delighted in paper, ink pens, folders and file structures, whiteboards and yearly planners, highlighters and sticky notes. All the tools of the trade, right at my fingertips.

Failure is necessary for entrepreneurial success. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I started businesses where I was the only employee from opening to closing. I choose against incorporation so I don’t use the vaulted title of CEO. I’m just a sole proprietorship business owner. Each of my business collapsed. Each took a big chunk out of my financial life. I learned a great deal each time. I figured out why I failed each time. I can teach what I learned to anyone wanting to start their own business.

I am a small business consultant now. I am here to help you avoid the pitfalls in starting a small business in your first five years of existence. I can write all that copy and advertising material for your business, set up your workflow, tailor my suggestions for your industry and budget and if you need I can either help pre-screen a freelance personal assistant for your paperwork needs or for a limited time I can serve as a personal assistant for an additional fee on top of my consulting. I endeavour to be a full-service consultant according to your goals and business dreams. I will partnership with you to create your dream into reality.

Yet my greatest challenge, far greater than being an entrepreneurial member of society has been myself. Look at me! I have a ton of problems. I’ve failed so many times my ego thinks bandaids are a fashion statement! Embarking on a quest for enlightenment, I studied at the feet of the greatest people ever produced on this planet. Years, four years I studied at the feet of the greatest.

Now, I am profoundly humbled to offer to you what I have absorbed.
The first lesson is free.






Mumford & Sons Friday Playlist

Popped up in my Spotify sending me reminiscing.

Too relatable, the regrets one must share.

My wilder mind still wanders broken streets seeking an endless love.

Did my love touch another? Did my love feel good? Oh, the untold stories…

Though you carry scars, love. Love Forever.

As The Notes drops

Popped up in my Spotify sending me reminiscing.
Too relatable, the regrets one must share.
My wilder mind still wanders broken streets seeking an endless love.
Did my love touch another? Did my love feel good? Oh, the untold stories…
Though you carry scars, love. Love Forever.

He did what!?

I am unapologetically polyamorous. I have an open marriage. That won’t come as a surprise to those who know me or long-time readers. I rarely talk about my home life; shall I call him as it feels trendy to do; my nesting partner? I like the idea, nesting partner as we tend to sleep curled up beside one another, in an endless cuddle when it’s me whos sleeping. I’m a cuddle bug.

My husband came home today. Yay! He’s been gone for four days this time. These trips are becoming a bit more frequent and I am getting used to them. More to the point, I’m regaining my independence. And so is he.

In some little midwest town full of farms and churches, my husband found himself a date. I was beaming from ear to ear as he told me about her, where they went, he even met her family and got the whole eye dagger dressing down. I’m happy for him but more than that, I am proud of him. He put himself out there, risked rejection, upfront and honest and found a friend. Just a couple of dates, hanging out and having a good time after work.

I wish I could tell her, “thank you.” Chances are, this was just two ships in the night, crossing paths for a brief moment, making memories and smiles. And I just sit here with this giddy happy to a wonderful surprise. He went on a date., without me.

Tomorrow is a different moment.

There are days when I log into Twitter and I’m like “Thanos is a pussy. He only snapped half the universe. I could do a 99 and not even break a sweat.” And it’s at that point I log the hell off. Just way too much blood boiling insanity there and it sucks me in. I don’t like it.

I end up offline for a while, letting the soft notes of whatever is cued up in Spotify to lull me away. I zen. I get back to all sunshine and roses; loving the world and everybody. I go watch the hummingbirds buzz by. I end up euphoric and in love with everything.

Both are my realities. Both are authentically me. Diametric opposites.

I tend to err on the side of Love. Grateful I wasn’t given the power of the snap for I am sure, any excuse would do, no matter who carried such a burden.

In a few more hours my husband will be flying back to me. I’ll be teasing him with pretty little lies that one day might not be such a lie. We know this game well. I do it because I watch how he lights up and come alive. He makes it easy to feel the sunshine and zen. I still struggle with it deep inside. There is a conflict and I am learning to avoid nurturing a hurt.

It’s a simple hurt.

“Please, let me take your boots off.”

“No. I can do it. I don’t like it when you act like a slave.”

This is the place I don’t want to go to after my husband comes home. Right now I’m on the verge of tears because I realise, there is no one there but me to take care of me.

Obedience is not on the table.

I could not obey because I had no reason to obey.

Submission doesn’t come easy to any of us. Being DID makes it a challenge for our spouse, lovers and to those who engage in power exchange when they briefly dip their toes in our life. I don’t let many people in. Those who I have let in, stayed for decades. Except, those engaged in power exchange; those didn’t make it past the rapids that surround the moat.

I used to think I was slave. There is a part of me that is that. There is a part of me that is anything but that. Unfortunately, that gives the PE types whiplash. I’m a kaleidoscope of emotions, moods, ways of being, viewpoints and tons of contradictions. I’m part-changeling. I can be your favorite dream, your worse nightmare. I can be your perfect slave when you feel the lowest but it won’t last. I’ll be back to fighting with you when you’re on the top of the world. I’m too damn independent. Even when I sink to my knees, there is a part of me watching, judging you and me. That part, guards all of what I am. She can be your best friend or your worst nightmare. She determines if the relationship continues. She’s far more tenacious than a pit bull when set in course.

Even I bow down to her power over me. For she keeps us safe and sane. She protects us even from ourselves. She’s got the balls to make the hard painful choices. In reality, it is her standards you have to live up to. It’s her eyes you are judged with.

You may be wondering why this is? I did too for a long time. Autumn is the protector and has been for a very long time. She took on all the abuse. She’s the one who carries the load of the emotional scars. She’s the one who learned to say no and taught me to say no. She chose her own purpose long ago. She made the choice to shove me out, to endure the abuse. She sheltered me with herself and preserved me.

Why does any of that matter? I don’t know when it happened. As I’ve become more aware of the others, talk with, share with and accommodate their needs and desires; there has been a bleed through, a blending of basic psychological operations. Autumn’s ability to say no, cuts right into my ability to engage with others. Before, I would be wailing as to why I could not do a thing nor could I explain why that is. Now, I can. I see how each of us are joined to each other, influencing each other, affecting each other.

I’m getting a better idea of the “whom” that I am.

Blind obedience endangers me and thus I am unable to engage on that level. Obedience because that’s how the relationship is structured is blind obedience. I have no screaming urge inside me to kneel. If I am to ever kneel, it is with forethought and deep consideration. Emotions are not our driving life force. There is no great urge to serve. We have a devotion to duty, first and foremost. And we don’t give a shit about everyone who gets allergic about the word duty. I’ve had enough with dickheads trying to convince me that upholding duty was a dry affair and that service was better.

Still a bit bitter and raw over that.

All this is just part of an ongoing autopsy of a previous power exchange relationship. I had no reasons for obedience. I had other things to do and he hadn’t ranked high enough. I had no tolerance to stroke his ego. I saw no purpose in most of his orders. I saw danger in many of his orders.

I went through a self-imposed hell. I was afraid and I kept walking back into the fire. I kept learning, growing. I kept walking into that hell. Till the day I walked through the fire instead of stepping back.

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.
-Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek-Next Generation