There are days when I log into Twitter and I’m like “Thanos is a pussy. He only snapped half the universe. I could do a 99 and not even break a sweat.” And it’s at that point I log the hell off. Just way too much blood boiling insanity there and it sucks me in. I don’t like it.
I end up offline for a while, letting the soft notes of whatever is cued up in Spotify to lull me away. I zen. I get back to all sunshine and roses; loving the world and everybody. I go watch the hummingbirds buzz by. I end up euphoric and in love with everything.
Both are my realities. Both are authentically me. Diametric opposites.
I tend to err on the side of Love. Grateful I wasn’t given the power of the snap for I am sure, any excuse would do, no matter who carried such a burden.
In a few more hours my husband will be flying back to me. I’ll be teasing him with pretty little lies that one day might not be such a lie. We know this game well. I do it because I watch how he lights up and come alive. He makes it easy to feel the sunshine and zen. I still struggle with it deep inside. There is a conflict and I am learning to avoid nurturing a hurt.
It’s a simple hurt.
“Please, let me take your boots off.”
“No. I can do it. I don’t like it when you act like a slave.”
This is the place I don’t want to go to after my husband comes home. Right now I’m on the verge of tears because I realise, there is no one there but me to take care of me.