Truth is I’m not doing okay.

I’m just not doing okay. I feel like I lost something essential to my existence. There is no drive to do anything. Very small acts of service are barely keeping me afloat. I made Red Lentil Dal yesterday, homemade and it was good. I was proud and pleased that my husband liked it. He enjoys good food and it made him happy. It’s one of the few things I do that I hear anything close to praise and I recognize how much I need that, that praise. I have so many issues with praise it’s ridiculous. The rest of my life is empty.

A few months back I cut a good deal of my on-line social life off. I stopped writing. I stopped blogging. I closed my blogs. I’ve been running hard out away from someone when I’ve been conflicted about them. I know I’m all messed up in the head. I know I don’t react like expected. I know I’ve created more mess and dramas in my life than I ever wanted.

I abandoned the belief that I am a slave. I abandoned that part of me as well. I am struggling to function now. I feel like I hacked off my arms. I lost something that day.

I took the idea that maybe I’m too co-dependent and that needs working on. I took the idea that I can survive without a Master and I am finding now that my purpose has always been something set outside of myself and never for myself. In rejecting being a slave, I’m not even able to find comfort in the idea of taking care of myself because I’m kept in holding for a Master to come. I find I have no comfort standing alone. I find purpose fleeting once accomplished. The task on hand only matters when it has nothing to do with me.

I know I’m not doing okay. This isn’t like depression, not any depression I’ve ever experienced. It’s like I’ve been infected with the “I don’t care” but it’s focused on me. I know I’m still grieving losing Master.
Somehow I got too tied up into what he thought of me. But I rejected being a slave. But I rejected him. But I rejected all of this. I rejected embracing being co-dependent. I rejected and I rejected and I rejected.

What’s the point? I just not doing good. I don’t know how to kick my ass enough to care. I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. I don’t know how to give a shit about myself. Fake it till you make it hasn’t started working. I’m faking it badly. I’m tired. What if I was wrong? What if I can’t cut that part of me without losing everything that I am? What if I really do need a Master?

How can I be wrong when being a slave is a choice? I choose to walk away. I choose to cut that part of my life out. I choose. I’m finding I didn’t have the parts to replace what I cut away and they are either atrophied or not growing fast enough.

5 thoughts on “Truth is I’m not doing okay.

  1. Are you referring to your master from a sexual perspective or every day life? If it is about sex, have you tried being a dominant for the sake of role reversal with someone else? Maybe that might help you focus back your energy even in the non-sexual part of your life? I know this is cheap advise, but it is merely a thought that occurred as I have read that doing something completely opposite to what we generally are, helps in realigning our perspective. No idea, if it works, but worth a try when you are down.

    1. I am referring from the perspective of every day life. Sex was just a small part of that. I am still chewing on what something completely opposite of what I generally am would be. I am seeing that in some ways I can not just act singularly on my own but have to accept that as a system we still function all together even when one of us is out front. So, what would be us as an opposite of us? I do agree that realigning out perspective is critical at this juncture.

      I feel like I took the battery out of the car and am surprised when the car does not function. Perhaps this is an attempt to change out battery brands? In that Isa is core energy provider that she is the battery to the entire system. So, I must recondition and rebuild the battery.

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