I need a decision tree.

How do you decide on which narrative is correct?

This has bothered me for sometime. At this point I refuse to assign blame and fault  in discussing the failed relationship with Dreamwalker. I am saying there were deep problems and perhaps they represent incompatibility overall. However, I am refusing to assign the narrative of ‘abusive Master’.

There is a couple of reasons for this. Being DID I am now far more aware how a single event can be interpreted thought a variety of lens and viewpoints that still do not detracted from the bare facts of the event. If anything, the lens add on nuisances of meaning that may not belong or may not be appropriate. It is this problem we as a system is wrestling with. How do we determine which meaning is appropriate?

When it comes to Dreamwalker, I am undecided when it comes to applying any label. Let me explain why before I am dismissed as being too Stockholm syndromed.

There was growth. That bothers me because growth occurs under specific circumstances, one of which does not include abuse. I keep getting the image in my mind of the emotions and plant growth experiment. The short of it is, the plants focused on negatively were stunted and sick and those plants focused on positively, flourished. This is an extremely simplistic viewpoint but I have to wonder where that applies to us as a system. Abuse would have stunted us. But we grew, so can I postulate that there was love?

I have to consider that due to our background of abuse and the regular testing (last six months) that I do tracking specifically my attachment style, (avoidant and detached: test here) that someone showing us love could be interpreted extremely negatively.

I know Isabella used one particular event that I can say was perhaps a case of misjudgment on his part. I could even extend that it might be an understandable misjudgment.  I know setting the narrative can set up confirmation bias. I know feelings isn’t facts. I know feelings change. I know how drastically different the same event can be interpreted as I battle with this daily with my headmates.

My biggest challenge is twofold. How do I honor the growth that I’ve gained from here? How do I determine which narrative is the truth?

3 thoughts on “I need a decision tree.

  1. I’m going to try and interject although I’m not 100% familiar. Your writings are very intuitive and thought provoking. I can’t help but wonder why you need to label it at all? After a relationship ends its up to us to grab onto that which will propel yourself forward. I don’t have DID but I have been in many many therapy sessions to deal with my incurable and sometimes debilitating codependency. I’ve loved and lost and it didn’t do anyone a darn bit of good to go on and on about the should haves, could haves, would haves. I’m not saying that’s what you are doing but that was my reality. Hindsight is 20/20. I believe that at any given circumstance a person will gravitate towards happiness and peace even if it’s a twisted sense of the word. We get to choose our meanings of events of what we end up internalizing. Calling something abuse when you may have been getting some type of self need met would diminish your security and objectivity when making your next relationship decision. I truly believe that we as humans make the best choices possible with the given information at hand. And this is what I believe you did too.

    1. I apologize for the late approval and response. The error is on my end; between stepping away and back-end email issues. And I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts. Thank you.

      Anytime Isa feels hurt, she applies the label ‘abuse.’ It’s still fairly automatic. When she did it drove my actions to defend, to push away, to eliminate that which caused to hurt. Over time, as I am to protect rather than attack, I learned that there are times Isa misapplies labels. And I find it difficult to determine which label, if any should be applied.

      For me the need to label is, well it’s based on a Platonic belief in concrete forms, that there could be a universal form, could call it a pattern, a shape but it is something identifiable that is also universal. I do sense I fail at explaining Plato’s forms as I still go back and study. But this search is in a sense of looking for an anchor to tye us all too. Often there is so much disagreement between us all, like different people recording at different camera angles and arguing about what it means and what factually happened. I feel there must be some way to navigate to a ‘concrete form’ that we could all agree on.

      When it comes to Dreamwalker, I am unable to ignore growth that’s been beneficial to us. More so because that growth was directed and influenced by him. And sure, I’ll be the one who’ll admit that Isa can be a shit and meltdown into a puddle of hate. Sometimes, incorrectly. Just, is this time, this man one of those incorrectly applied labels? I’m running on a gut feeling that I am finding difficult to explain. On my gut, I refused to apply Isa’s label for Dreamwalker. I’m unsure if I helped explain or muddled it up even more. Please let me know if I made this even more confusing.

  2. I cannot enlighten myself due to inadequate knowledge of your total life story. And I’m sorry to admit that I’m not grasping the depth of your dimensions. I will continue to follow as best I can. But I don’t feel that at this time I have anymore insight. I do know that writing things out as you are doing is a healthy outlet. So congrats on not being an island. Keep it up and I’m sure answers will come.

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