Offerings from our Writing Workbook: February 2016
by: The Peanut Gallery which is all of us.
I had no conception of what it meant. I had no way for forming it’s shape.
I was agreeing and not understanding one bit. He has a point, I am swift to anger and that needs to change. I miss his hand on my life. I should have asked a ton more questions. Questions I more likely will never have answers too. Like why did he force girls away? What did they lie about? Why did they not want to go? Is that what I could expect too? What made the good ones, good?
His expectation of obedience within his limits upon meeting made it hard to open up and talk. It was domineering. It was not conducive to inspiration. It was traumatic. I’m not the only girl who’s ran. Plenty have run before me and plenty will run after me.
Only now I am starting to understand. Utter Obedience to him is the price to stay in his life. Is he worth it now that I know what it means?
Why am I not worth bending for? Oh but he did bend, very much so. But not on that single topic. I see now he gave me chance after chance after chance. I was blind to the meaning.
My first fears have bloomed, come to fruit and ripened. My love has caused hurt. My presence has caused hurt. I have caused hurt. I have caused my own hurt as surly as if I beat my head against a brick wall.
I didn’t understand that I didn’t understand.
Utter Obedience carried out to the max degree is a terrifying thought. I ran. How can he want this from me, from any women?
I never stopped till now to ask questions. Do I want to give obedience, utterly? Does it scream in me to obey?
I can only weep at my answers.
Now I am numb to whole idea of submission. I am numb to the idea of obedience. I am numb to the idea of D/s. I am numb to it all. I see my life stretched out as a wide yawn of time and I am afraid it’s bleak. I lost a dream at his feet.
The reality of it is far more than I can handle. I should be glad to know the reality of myself. Yet I am sad. My innocence was ripped away. I am afraid I will go on walking in life with a hole inside me that has no hope of ever being filled.
I am not naturally obedient. I am a rebel, a contrarian. I ask why before I do. I look at the issue, topic, task before I decide if I am going to follow through.
You told me it was forever. That I could never have another Master, that not even in death was this bond broken. Why? That even if the silence stretched out forever, I could never seek another. Why?
All I had to do was obey. It sounds simple. It sounds easy. Yet it’s not easy, it’s not that simple. It is hard hard work. Having to tear down each wall, each part of me that I try to protect. That I would be open and vulnerable, flayed wide open without a safe word, without a safety net, nothing to keep me safe.
He’s always on. He never second guesses himself. He doesn’t see how to do this differently. I thought maybe I could show him. I was wrong. Instead he showed me so much more. He exposed me to me and left me soul scared.
Live. Be happy. Pursue your dreams. Obey your desires. Obey your desire to serve.
I am having to learn a lot more. Learn to speak honestly. Learn what honesty is. Learn to live with integrity. There is really nothing more to do but learn the lessons and go on. I am not the same as I once was. I can never go back to being that woman again. She is gone.