Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

I watched in shock as my vision narrowed into a pinpoint of light as if the shutters had closed the aperture. His hand squeezed harder around my throat, draining me of life. I made no effort to stop him, knowing I was going to die. All for a careless comment.

My life was his to do with. I lived or died by his actions. I was at peace and felt no fear, just shock of it all. This was going to be a senseless death. When he let go, he shoved me into the door and I barely sucked in air. Crumpled into the ground I went. My vision was still black, slowly turning into sepia shapes so blurry. I felt nothing, not even relief in being alive.

He let me go that time. Let me run back to my father’s house, to the illusion of safety. I never spoke of it till now. I can still feel the way his hand flexed around my throat. I can still feel him searching for my fear as he did. He craved that rush, that sweet hit of power, of control. And I knew it.

If I had shown fear, I’d be dead. If I had faked fear, I’d be dead. Acceptance pissed his ass off and he took it out on my body all the while trying to carve scars in my soul. He needed to break me before I found my strength. He failed in the end.

 

“I am not there”

The sting remains, clawing, tearing me apart
“I am not there” I whisper
Tears batter against the wind, the marks reappear
“I am not there” I whisper
Throat closes shut, choking as I gasp for breathe
“I am not there” I whisper
Light swims and twinkles fading into black
“I am not there” I whisper
Pain rings louder than my heartbeat, knowing I’m going to die
“I’m not there” I whisper
“I’m here in this now” I whisper curling my toes in the grass.

 

also posted here.
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About Isabella LeCour

She is nothing more than the collections of thoughts placed into the virtual worlds. She is a poet, a mother, a lover, many things to different people. But mostly, she is nothing but smoke and mirrors - some ethereal thing that blinks in an out of existence.
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3 Responses to Flashbacks and Panic Attacks

  1. Cinn says:

    You are powerful beyond words ❤️✨

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