It feels good to purge. All my pain let out. Slammed those proverbial cards on the table. Just it’s not a table, just social media and it’s not even cards, just an outflowing of poetry. I do wonder even though I wish I didn’t, I do wonder if he reads my stuff. If he does, hell I wince thinking about it.
It’s out in the open now. Timing wise couldn’t be at the most inconvenient for the both of us. Odd I am very aware of that. Now; getting him out of my head, not sure how to do that.
I’m not a good slave. I never have been. I’m not even a good submissive. It could be reasonably argued that I’m not submissive at all. I’m stuck in one world, that of on-line when what I want is in physical real reality.
And now I have to, for myself, commit to learning how to let go. It sure is a weakness of mine. Being poly I never really learned that skill. I just learned to adjust to a different relationship. I foresee that such won’t be possible.
That’s a pretty remarkable thought. It’s a hard limit for me to submit to an online Master. I find I must retain the use of no in such a relationship. I can do M/s play on the phone and via text. I can even make room in my life for such. But to turn over total control, that has always been the sticking point. And in some ways having the deeper conversations about limits and control felt unnecessary because it was already thrown as a strictly only online relationship.
All the while, I fell deeper in love and craved the physical touch, craved the physical connection. Fuck the play, I wanted the completion of intimacy. That is what draws me to this M/s D/s relationships. That total immersion into another person, that’s where I feel complete.
I understand to some degree what online play means. It’s a lot of wank fodder and setting up wank fodder and then the mind games, good god the mind games suck. Not to say all online play is just like what I experienced, but what I did see and feel makes me double leery on engaging in this ever again. Play wasn’t everything but it was the most of things and that alone was a problem.
And yet through all of this, I have to ask myself again – what is it that I am seeking when I continue to seek a Master? Perfection would be a poly man who accepted me and my family, had no problems with my husband, someone I could physically touch and be with, someone who I had built on a foundation of friendship and trust and could handle my immersion into him while balancing the rest of my relationships.
The paragon of virtue, chances are don’t exist. I almost met one. But the physical reality is not currently possible and chances are I’d lose my balance in his favor. Which is what I am doing everything to avoid. Abandoning my marriage is a non-negotationable limit. It’s not happening.
So what is left for me, with this yearning inside of me?