Who knew that listening to my heart breaking would be what I needed to strengthen my resolve? I’ve listened to a recording I made immediately after things slid sideways twice now. It’s been I think a month now. Time is a bit tricky thing for me. I rarely remember well in time scales.
I’ve also been taking OTC potassium and B12. Potassium I need as my blood pressure meds are stripping me of it and I’m getting daily cramps without it. And B12, taking just one did a huge number on my mood. All the cotton balls and cobwebs in my head vanished. Yes, I know it all points to having a major thyroid disorder.
I’m still doing hardcore distractions. I started giving Isa space again but I’m sick of the tears and I’m tired of waiting for her to be sick of the heartbreak. The irony to all this is, it was her that had the last phone call, the one who said she couldn’t do this anymore, the once who had the final call in the end. She thought it was me causing all the problems.
It’s not that she doesn’t love him, it’s that she loves herself too. Enough to say this isn’t good or healthy for us. Before now I hadn’t given her the chance to grow and learn. I hadn’t given her trust. How do I translate this? I’ve learned to trust my heart.
So much has changed for me. I don’t want to assume anything is still the same. It kinda needs to be double checked. A couple things keep drifting about my mind. That D/s relationships are unique in that they affirm certain conditions. Like a commitment in intimacy not normally found in relationships, a commitment to accept the influence of a partner, adherence to a hierarchical order, and valuation of set defined values.
There is a whole lot more thought going on in D/s relationships. These past experiences have shown me a weakness of mine. I crave intimacy as if I was drowning. I lost the one person who I believed I could be myself with, tell them anything and not be judged for it. And I held on to that belief with everything I could all the while denying reality was showing the opposite. Gods, honest has a heavy price.
I’m moving forward at a slow pace. Sifting out the fantasy and reasonable, the dreams and reality. I’ve learned about myself if I take to time to examine it. I’m taking the time to repair each hole in me, not just a rush patch job but a well detailed repair work. He was a giant highlighter that marked all my holes. hehe Oh, the damn puns.
On that note, have a glorious week everyone.