Things are still pretty weird for me. Sense January I’ve had Isa ridding shotgun for most of the time. Silly chick doesn’t like cages. Well, she doesn’t like it when I shove her in one so she gets a fit and slams the damn thing on my shoulder and dares me to move it. Did I forget to mention we fight like sisters?
Switching is still, uncontrollable. Both of us are task oriented; she deals with sex and emotions and I get logic and life. Truth of the matter is, I had all the anger too. It got packed away inside of me to the point where not having feelings was a relief. And I’ve spent the last few months with Isa sitting on my shoulder, sharing herself with me, allowing me to feel anything other than anger.
I’ve also spent the last few months crying my soul out. The both of us actually. Every fresh hurt and pain became a way for older hurts to leak out for the first time. The more I allowed myself to cry, the more I allowed myself to feel, the safer it became to have and experience emotions. I think I understand the depth of the meaning in the phrase cathartic release. I’m not all wringed out yet. Still plenty wet inside.
Sorry Dreamwalker. I needed you to be the sadist you became. And you did so, so very well. I failed to count what this would cost your soul in the process. I don’t know how to make amends for that. I had to let go.
Having a relationship with us is difficult. More so when one is in the dark like my husband was for years. I have to say, he’s tenacious. But even he can make me smile. He’s a damn BRAT! And he keeps me on my toes. The way I feel about him is complicated but I do have feelings about him.
Everything I’ve ever loved, I kept hidden, first from the world at large and then from myself. And keeping it hidden went so far as to hate it. Because in the weird twisted thinking pattern I was stuck in, if I hated it then no one would covet it and take it away from me. No one would realize what I deemed as worthless was actually priceless. It’s a pretty core idea I’ve had and it’s shaped me in numerous ways. And in this case when I say me, I mean the whole, all of us, The Peanut Gallery.
I’m finding myself for the first time.