Crap. Welcome to Friday. I have a splitting headache and I mean that literally and punnilly.
For a little while I thought I had it all together. Having all the baskets in the same egg and everyone is one and all is everyone. And now I am again standing alone, just one and all others are sleeping under the dome. But I’ve grown. These feelings are itchy and uncomfortable. Jealous of myself strangely, it’s true. Everyone loves Isa but me, I’m left out by the door.
I have a stronger sense of self than the rest. Think that’s from all the time I’ve spent with mop in hand cleaning spills. And now I’m here, alone, again, working to shut off the blaring alarms that have been sounding for a few days now. If I give Isa an inch, she’ll run and take the whole mile and keep on going.
I’m frustrated. I’m reading over the journals and freewrites and checking on work and it’s like reading something from somebody else. I know she wrote it and I know she is ‘me’ in a sense. It’s a pretty big mind fuck. I’m her opposite and it shows. When I show up, people tend to get really offended.
I’m not trying to upset them. I just want things my way and I don’t really bend on that. It’s the constant clash of authority that drives me nuts. And worse is the inability to stay put. I don’t even count the hours missing anymore. I count in days and months and lucky if I can backtrack moments.
I used to think I only came out when there was trouble. Cause Isa leads with her heart every time and there is always a mess to clean up after that. Normally I’m putting her shattered ass back together again, just like I always have.
This time, tripped five massive Red level alarms in the space of hours. A couple of ’em I hadn’t seen tripped in, oh my – a few decades at least. I know my protocols. I know what I am to do. And I know I’ve been in this very spot before. This time, I can feel.