Thinking Thoughts

I didn’t want to change him. I knew men don’t change. They are who they are. Either you accept them flaws and all or you don’t. It’s the don’t part that hurts the heart first. Then I made my own mistakes. I attempted to change me into something I’m not. That was my biggest mistake.

And now I’m nursing heartaches on heartaches. I helped in my own destruction. I battered down my own walls. I beat myself up, hard and for all for what? For a smile. For a atta-girl. Just to feel his pride settle down on me. It never will. It never did.

I refused to let pleasure-seeking be the thing that decides the flip of the coin. Logic as I understand it, granted I need to be careful of logical fallacies and exercise it to a greater degree, is what I choose to operate on. At least while I’m running the show. Emotions are such wayward things – impulsive, short-sighted and too often destructive.

I refused to ask so many things. I refused to confront so many different issues. I don’t believe it would have changed a thing. I wasn’t ready to accept that breadcrumbs are just breadcrumbs. I was starving thinking I was eating.

He once told me, he wanted to show me how amazing I am. I don’t feel amazing. I’m still waiting to see it. Rather I feel quite ordinary. But I was feeling low that day, very low and it was a hell of a boost to the id. I remember the smile it brought to my lips. It still brings a smile.

I didn’t want to change him. Still don’t want to change him.  There is some good there.  But right now, I’m worried that I hurt him. I don’t have a clue why I’d think that way or even feel that way.  Why would it matter that a cog popped off? It’s replaceable.

Or maybe I just wish I had hurt him. The thought of just being a cog in his eyes tears me up. An emotionless cog is how I felt in his eyes. Anything less than love an’ devotion was unworthy to spend a moment’s time on, a decision made to please him that ended up hurting me somehow. I’ve made massive mistakes.

What walls do I need to build up? Oh, right. I have a right to make a choice. I have a right to say no. And I also have a right to say yes. Oh, I have the right to make these choices of my own free will and in my own time.

It’s not such a little wall. It needs time.

 

 

 

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About autumnzephyr2014

Digital artist. Poet. member of the "Peanut Gallery"
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15 Responses to Thinking Thoughts

  1. Stormwise says:

    You’re taking stock of the situation and what led up to it … you have the right to be proud of yourself for doing so, not everyone can or will. You also have the right to decide what walls get built up, and how long it takes you to build them up 🙂

  2. The Raven says:

    Sounds to me as if you were led down the rabbit hole without knowing and understanding the lifestyle, to passionately submit, choices, thoughts, actions, decisions, but it also takes a passionate and understanding heart to receive that kind of power… to be worthy of it, to not take advantage of it, but instead.. love it freely and with respect.. sub space can be painful but healing and renewal awaits.

    • autumnzephyr2014 says:

      *chuckles* Down the rabbit hole is quite accurate. And I don’t feel I have gained a greater understanding either, just a better understanding to the consequences of my own decisions.

      • The Raven says:

        I hope the understanding you received in those consequences hasn’t changed your interest in life on the other side, it could be a very beautiful experience, but only if one truly loves, understands
        and cherishes the power and responsibility of such beautiful gift given.. after all it’s the gift that makes it extraordinary.. vs ordinary.

      • autumnzephyr2014 says:

        In a sense, it has. I agree it could be everything I had ever dreamed it might be. Yet, a promise closed a particular door. It’s a promise she intends to keep. Every choice has a consequence.

  3. The Raven says:

    Hmm… sounds like never again, I understand, forgive my pressing curiosity.. and yes.. every choice has consequences indeed… whether good or bad.

  4. The Raven says:

    The gentleman’s code states that when the terms or conditions upon which a binding agreement changes or are no longer suitable … a petition for release can be submitted or simply.. another suitor chosen.. but then it must be an agreement by both.. new and old.

    • autumnzephyr2014 says:

      That applies more to a gentleman’s honor and not mine. And it is not how I understand promises. Strangely I know everything is going to be fine. He’s not honor bound to the promise so there is nothing to do. And I’m honor bound to keep it, no matter what.

      • autumnzephyr2014 says:

        *chuckles* And if I were to petition for release, it would be more to ease his conscious than to cause a change inside of me. And here I am marveling that I’ve told a stranger all this. The one and only promise uttered. Life is indeed strange.

  5. The Raven says:

    Attentive ears can unlock most deeply vaulted keepings.. I’m beginning to think it’s not the decision that has caused an imbalance, but the lack requested activities, it’s almost sounds as if you need more, want more, I understand the honor code.. but why do i feel like somethings missing..

  6. The Raven says:

    Attentive ears can unlock the most deeply vaulted keepings.. I’m beginning to think it’s not the decision that has caused an imbalance, but the lack of requested activities, it almost sounds as if you need more, want more, I understand the honor code.. but why do i feel like somethings missing..

  7. The Raven says:

    I wonder if there’s something burning within that screams in the corners of your subconscious… a need so overwhelming that you can’t even speak of it… some deep hidden dark desires that hasn’t even scratched the surface of reality… the thoughts and dreams that continually forbid the peace your mind seeks.. I wonder if it’s more that you seek, more that you need..

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