Oh’s No’s! It’s a backdated post! This one should have been published around the 23’rd of December 2016.
I hung up on him. And spent the next twenty minutes in shock, hugging the hell out of my blanket and arguing with myself. What the hell had I done and worse, why had I?
I chalked it up as yet another one of my many many mistakes. But a few things stood out from the conversation. I had never felt he approved of me choosing to be a mother. It was just a few words and it lifted a weight from me that I had not realized I was carrying.
I did a lot of thinking last night. How to formula a proper wish, one that doesn’t include selfishness or unduly benife me. It has been something I have thought on in the last few days and I finely got it done. And then I promptly fell asleep.
But the letter was sent and responded too. And it stuck in my head the wish I had set free.
How do I make sense of the tears that ran down my face or the calm assurance his voice brings or how every word is searched for inflection and meaning? How do stop my brain from emptying out at the sound of his voice?
Something changed in me. How am I responsible for the things I’ve done, that I’ve done as a collective? Yet I’ve agreed to be responsible for what all of me’s said and done. Good gods it’s tough.
I don’t understand why I’ve said or done what I did. Brain and heart still in battle but somehow heart is stubborn beyond beyond.
He’s right. He knows it and I know it. He sees me for what I am.
Funny part is, nothing and everything changed.
It feels like clarity. I know I’m not fully all there. I still have problems. But I know its a problem so I’m kinda
Yeah, we are choosing to publish this as well in its unfinished form. This was written in a spare moment between chaos.