Not having an easy time of things. Can’t sleep most nights even though I keep on schedule. Toss and turn the night away. And when I take something to sleep, I stay so groggy it’s questionable of it’s worth.
I don’t smoke and I’ve done it again. Got us to quit, been a month now. No cigs. Don’t understand what the draw is anyway. But now I’m dealing with boredom in massive quantities. Can’t sit still now. Not what I expected to deal with.
I rewrote the template of my night journal. Works better now.
I’ve got issues for sure. Had some shocks of my life lately. Husband told me I had a girl friend in high school. I don’t recall. All my memories of relationships and sex are the ones that make me cry sad and bitter tears. All I’ve got are memories of things gone wrong, of sex when saying no failed or was never said due to being strangled in the throat. All I’ve got are memories of things I wish had never happened. Don’t have a single wanted moment. It’s strange.
Yes, I see it is a problem. And if I don’t fix it the longer I’m out, the bigger an issue it’s gonna turn into. Yeah, I’m standing still, keeping my feet in the fire so I work on these issues. I choose to stay.
Isa says hi. I give her moments sometimes to be out. I still have to fight to get control back. She really is the happier part of me. She’s mostly quite now. Still hurting pretty badly. I get to feel it and it makes me want to break down and weep. I really am putting the breaks on being Poly.
I know that’s what we are. But right now, can’t handle it, no shape, no how. I’ve got a marriage and all of me’s to deal with. And got a few interesting friendships of long standing that’s not going anywhere but that’s it. Nothing more. I don’t have the spoons to do any more.
And something’s bothering me a great deal.
Time will tell.