I’m here listening to Jazz while sipping a chai latte. I already ate my blueberry Danish as I overlooked the early morn. These are things only I do. It’s a rare indulgence in my favorites. It’s one heck of a way to start a happy morning, alone with the gentle strands of music weaving in my soul.
I know it’s Friday. I woke up thinking it was Thursday. I laughed once I realized it, I’ve become so accustomed to rolling with the punches, with living with uncertainty it boggles me now. I wonder how many other things I’m going to discover I live with and think nothing of it.
Last night I realized how many stock excuses I’ve got that hides the DID. I’ve been playing an online game and I went back last night too it. Ran into a friend who knows our birth name and for a moment I had no idea who he was. That’s embarrassing but I’m so used to it, it doesn’t effect me. I rattle off a joke about how bad my memory is and wait for the whispers to tell me his name. She does and injects a whole set of memory and emotions as well. Turns out, he’s a friend Isa would like to keep. He’s a pleasant enough chap.
For a nanosecond I thought about telling the truth. For a nanosecond and then I decided not too. Am I being dishonest? I don’t know when he’ll see his friend again and I don’t know what to say to that. If I had, would he be understanding, would he accept things as they are or would he just write us off as a pair of nuts? Who knows, I don’t.
I’m not her and I know it will show eventually, in the tiny things but those excuses help smooth over the discontent folks have.
“My memory is shot. Just give me a moment, it will come back to me.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve been under so much stress. I shouldn’t have forgot x, y or z.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t tend to remember faces. Could you tell me your name again?”
laughs “I have a lot of favorites and I change-up. Thanks for remembering this one.” after receiving a mocha.
smiling appreciatively “Yes it’s my favorite station. But I also like this one. I hope you understand.”
after a comment of seeming a little different “ah, I feel good today.” said smilingly.
It’s all designed to stay hidden, unnoticed, out of the focus, keeping the peace, everything is fine and normal, nothing is wrong, it’s okay to return to your own worries and not mine, and I’ve got this.
Today it’s easy to forget I’ve got DID. The clamor inside is quiet and resting. I’ve got this.