I’ve got holes in my armor.

Headaches seam to come with switching. Today I’ve been knocked down for most of the day with one that even pain pills barely touched. I’m more me now as well. I mean more Autumn. Don’t worry, there are times all this confuses me too.

There has been something that’s bothered me and Isa for a good while. It has us puzzled. I write poetry yet I claim to not feel. Actually that’s quite a bit of a contradiction. Writing poetry requires understanding and expressing emotions. So how is it that it’s me who’s writing the poetry?

I found a clue to this puzzle. Isa is our heart and I’m the mind. I’m split strangely quite neatly on ego / id lines to a point. Isa is mindless, reactionary, feeling, animalistic, sensualist, sexuality, needy, greedy, jealous, bundle that is desperate for love, affection, care, concern, attention, and comfort. Long ago I labeled her a love addict. I strongly believe it applies. And I can add she’s got a touch of OCD. In fact it was the OCD cropping back up that caused me to yank her back and place her in the cage.

And yet I too have issues. I’m the other side of the coin. I’m love avoident, suspicious, paranoid, analytical, arrogant, aggressive, asexual, as well as dealing with PTSD, CPTSD and I’m sure I could be diagnosed with more than just DID. But the biggest problem is the things I believe about myself.

Before I go into those, looking over this blog and seeing all of this from Isa’s point of view I realized I haven’t been participating in the healing at all. If anything I’ve been sabotaging from the inside.

I know I’m me. And I know that me, has me as Autumn, me as Isa, me as Jay, me as my birth name and has had me, in the various forms that were absorbed back in. That’s another story for another day.

I’m not comfortable as framing it as looking out the window as Autumn versus Isa. It’s more than just name, it’s a fundamental change in world outlook, behaviors and attitudes and triggers and reactions. I’m far more jumpyer than Isa. I’m far more liable to hit from a startled reaction. My head is on a swivel when in public. I carry stress in my body, in my clenched jaw, my knotted shoulders. I tend to hurt so much more than Isa physically. I am very quick to judge and to anger. I am prone to those angry outbursts. This is all part of why I’ve stayed away and stayed inside, only peaking out at times.

None of this has really been worked on sense the incident that I ended up with straight PTSD over. I had to learn to work with my reptilian brain and back down the adrenaline spikes, the racing thoughts, the hyper-vigilance, the chronic insomnia and get back to a functional level! Ha! Can you imagine what that means for us, a functional level of living? I was an utter mess. I knew it, didn’t like it and sought to change it. And I did. Our life was turned around but I think now, I stopped too soon.

There were a few longer lasting triggers that Isa had to work on and she did. She took about a decade to overcome them too. I took me six months to get back to rational thinking and a year after to be what I considered functional. Yes, I think I quit too soon.

I’m not so sure I can consider myself as a false self. I do know I hold things about myself that does qualify as a false self. It’s surprisingly painfully to think about those things.

Isa once asked me to ‘rewrite the script’ and I think she has a point. My life script is in part influencing everything else, perhaps even closer to being root than hers. I’m not comfortable with the idea that it is I who is the original personality. But perhaps I am the first split? I don’t know, that’s just something that’s always puzzled us all. Much like the joke, “who’s on first.”

Ripping off the bloody band-aid, the things I feel that I know are false:

I am hated and unwanted.
I am too aggressive, loud and uncaring.
I’m the bad girl, the trouble maker.
I’m unfeeling thus I can not be hurt.
I have no heart thus I do not cry.
I feel nothing thus your actions do not affect me.
I’m invulnerable.
I’m invincible.
I am run on cold logic.
You can not defeat me.
Of course I am superior, you are just not worth my time.

 
Yeah, it’s quite a delusional mix of beliefs, false beliefs that I’ve used to add armor to my thick shell of defense. In some ways all that I listed feels a bit like a child going ‘na na na boo boo. you can’t hurt me, no matter what you do.’ and sticking with it no matter what, complete with hands on the hips and blowing a raspberry. Was I that sassy as a child? I might have been.

The funny thing DID, at least ours, is it’s always been about staying hidden. There have been times of memory lapses between switches. And there has been more than few times of utter confusions and the feeling of what the hell am I here for now?

Like anytime I’d be out, aware that I’m out, it’s meant somethings gone critically wrong. And there has been cases where there was no clue left for me and thus no way for me to fix it. So I do have a bit of a rescue complex. It’s funny, I run to rescue myself. I bring this up because something happened September 14 2014. I don’t know what but I do know it’s locked into the body to the point I’m always back out on that date, a few days before and after. I think I’m shielding something painful so I carry the hurt on those days so the rest of me doesn’t feel it.

This time I’m out, I’m here because I know as a system, overall, we are hurting. I am hurting. And I was starting to do things that are damaging in the long term. It’s a drastic step to have me take over. Instinctively, I feel I am going to have to learn to deal with emotions. I can not just shove all that Isa feels over to the side and say that’s her mess to deal with. I am going to have to sort out Isa’s mess and mine as well.

I think Isa would be proud of me. I too am Seeking Sanctuary. I never thought I needed it. I know now that I do.

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About autumnzephyr2014

Digital artist. Poet. member of the "Peanut Gallery"
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