It’s been quiet here since February. I took a break and walked off, not knowing if I’d be back. During those months, life continued on. Up’s and down’s, oh, a whole lot of downs. A lot of family issues. And then my father died last month.
Hold the condolences.
It’s not grief I feel. It’s sorrow for all the what could have been’s that never were. And it’s a bit of anger at what was but not grief. And it is a lot of exasperation. At the cusps of his life, I saw him for exactly what he was, no more and no less. I understood the twists and turns of his mind and the whys of his actions, current and past. His was a heavy burden to die with, unforgiven.
He asked for forgiveness. I could not give that. I asked if he could forgive himself for the answers are inside. I did not deny him my love, for he is my father. The child still wants to love the parent even when the parent is toxic and harmful.
Somehow, my hate for him had dissolved.
I took refuge in the heart of Love and let Love guide my thoughts and actions. I found peace settle over me and change me. It is still changing me.