I am still here

It’s been quiet here since February. I took a break and walked off, not knowing if I’d be back. During those months, life continued on. Up’s and down’s, oh, a whole lot of downs. A lot of family issues. And then my father died last month.

Hold the condolences.

I can trot out his errors, his crimes, his personal dysfunction and how it all has impacted me but I’ve hashed this out before. See Here. And a little bit Here.

It’s not grief I feel. It’s sorrow for all the what could have been’s that never were. And it’s a bit of anger at what was but not grief. And it is a lot of exasperation. At the cusps of his life, I saw him for exactly what he was, no more and no less. I understood the twists and turns of his mind and the whys of his actions, current and past. His was a heavy burden to die with, unforgiven.

He asked for forgiveness. I could not give that. I asked if he could forgive himself for the answers are inside. I did not deny him my love, for he is my father. The child still wants to love the parent even when the parent is toxic and harmful.

Somehow, my hate for him had dissolved.

I took refuge in the heart of Love and let Love guide my thoughts and actions. I found peace settle over me and change me. It is still changing me.

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About Isabella LeCour

She is nothing more than the collections of thoughts placed into the virtual worlds. She is a poet, a mother, a lover, many things to different people. But mostly, she is nothing but smoke and mirrors - some ethereal thing that blinks in an out of existence.
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6 Responses to I am still here

  1. Alice says:

    I understand, as much as someone can who is not you. In place of condolences, perhaps I can sit here with you a moment, holding space and breathing through the complicated web of living someone even after they hurt us badly, of not wishing someone torment and, at the same time, not forgiving them for what they’ve done.

    That’s all hella heavy. ❤ Perhaps I can just sit here with you and offer solidarity.

  2. Interesting “first glance” at your blog. My condolences even though you asked that they be held. The one thought that jumped out at me was the part about forgiveness. I once heard forgiveness is not for the other person. It’s for ourselves. It allows us to let go of the baggage of anger and resentment. Now with that said, I will go on to read the links you referenced and more of your story ( I hope this doesn’t offend or upset). I just felt compelled to share this with you.

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