The dream I had last night is still bothering me. Just the smallest suggestion and out of my subconscious comes a message, a plea, a begging. It’s become clear to me now where Isabella went when I integrated all my parts and become one. I had spent the last few month wondering off and on how could such an essential part of me just vanish. And that’s the thing, she didn’t vanish.
She went into hiding. Isabella is that part of me where I love. She is that very early template I learned what love is and how to love. She is that which I rejected much like she rejected me, the more analytical simmering temper part. And I had to miss her to appreciate her, to appreciate my ability to love in the way I do.
I am correct in that the way I love is dangerous and can lead me down some sorrow filled roads. But I was not correct in rejecting the way I love as a bad thing. It has it’s place and time. I need to hold firmer boundaries and not give in to my base needs too soon and with the wrong people. Those things are not something that makes the way I love wrong or bad.
As it is now that I am aware of my heart of hearts, she is making her demands known, loudly. And I am putting the breaks on it, again. I have to be one of the most conflicted people ever. It has me wondering if I really integrated. Did I just flip instead?
It feels like integration. I have new memories, a sense of wholeness, togetherness about me, even in my thoughts. Just my entire world view of seeing things is a bit different. The way I think is different. Whatever the case may be, I have to prove something to myself.
I know in my heart of heart what I want. It still screams out of me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can stick to something longer than a week. I need to prove to myself that I can change; that I can serve.
Because I wrote all the bullshits and let them out. Because I reread all of his words and was thunderstruck with Truth over and over. Because I can not escape and hide how much he has helped me in my life. Because I am learning, suffering is not love.
Standing in the silence hurts. Yet I needed to stand and accept it letting the silence inside me, to calm me, to learn how to calm myself. I experienced what it was to have no anger, no love, no emotion at all. I experienced what it was to be, to observe only and reserve comment, reserve reflection, reserve emotion. I am not at all very practiced at this. I am learning.
So, I am going back to the beginning and I am going to start over from the ground up. I am going to give myself 30 days to get my act together. I need to prove I can do this to myself.