I crawled into bed trying to solve a very knotty problem I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. What is it that I desire out of life? What do I want out of this one life? And the knots have been because I want.
I want. Spiritually speaking attachments tend to cause pain because we have the tendency to hold on to what we want instead of our needs and the constant lack becomes part of that pain. Understanding this never eased the strength of my wants nor eliminated the knots these wants created.
So these wants just might be needs. Does that make much of a difference? But then where do the knots come from? Ah, conflict of course. I am conflicted.
The crux of the issues for me has been my issues with BDSM. I am a married woman with children. I desire a Master and yet I have a particular set of limits I refuse to cross. You see, I come with responsibilities that I refuse to shuck off. And that has meant at times any Master may come in second where my time is concerned. Any Poly minded single Master’s out there wanting to join my family?
And that’s the knot. What the heck is a slave doing calling the shots? For that matter, am I even a slave? Interesting questions for a later time. As I was laying in bed working on this issue again, going over all the various things that I desire and how I feel about the closest people in my life and was no closer to getting the scales balanced, a sword came to me and split the knot in two.
Was it a Fuck Yes or not? I wielded that sword against my knots and they fell apart as I fell asleep. I had read Mark Mason’s article several months ago, “Fuck Yes”. It stuck with me. Either what I want was a Fuck Yes or I shouldn’t be doing it at all. End Stop. It’s that simple.
It’s that Fuck Yes part that cuts clear that ambiguity. In the lifestyle there is a ton of talk about consent. The other day I read Vile’s posting Are You Consenting Or Just Agreeing? and I reread it with this new perspective. Using the power of Fuck Yes I realized that consent should always be a Fuck Yes and agreeing is that grey area that needs to cut apart.
Much of my knot was made of was agreeing and not consent, not enthusiastic consent. It didn’t have the strength of a Fuck Yes so it was cut apart. Agreements that compromised my integrity while trying to get core needs met, is well not completely honest and does a dis-service to all who are involved. Not being 100% behind my agreements is why I failed time and time again. It’s a hard truth to face that the knot was the lies you told yourself and believed.
Fuck Yes I know what I want out of this one life that I live. I know the shape and the challenge. There is no conflict. Knot no more.