I’ve been quiet on the blogging front this summer. A whole lot has happened in the mean time. The most important part of this is my integration. I don’t know if I can say I am DID any more or what. Not that identifying with the label matters. What mattered and continues to matter is my healing and mental health.
Integration was surprisingly and willingly chosen as self preservation. It’s odd, splitting of personalties is a form of self preservation in the first place and facing a situation where reintegration was the correct answer for self preservation is well, odd. I knew that the splitting and switching was and had become a misused copeing mechanism that I could no longer rely on.
I knew that I had grown strong enough emotionally to face my fears head on. I have worked hard on facing the issues I have with C-PTSD and have made some amazing progress with self guided desensitization therapy. That alone has helped me gain confidence in my ability to over come any issues I face.
Over this summer, I have integrated into the original host personality. I have faced the deep grief head on and allowed myself to feel it, to cry, to weep and mourn. The one thing I faced was that we, my parts all accepted that integration wasn’t death and even if it was, saving me was saving us and that was a noble and worth while action.
It was love that healed us, healed me.
Yet there have been some unusually issues that integration has caused. My alters were hyper magnified aspects of my core personality. Now that I am all back together, not one part of me is out of balance, nothing is in a hyper state of being. As time goes on, I am starting to lose the intensity of the memory of my alters. It is not that they are sleeping, but they are absorbed back into me.
This has impacted some of my relationships in unusual ways. My primary relationship is still solid. He doesn’t quite understand but then this is a breath of fresh air for him. I am not rocking from one alt to another so wildly. For once I am consistent.
My other relationships on the other hand have been extremely rocky. It was them who helped guild and push me towards integration. One of them has been the catalyst of my integration. It was He who had my alters in full blown knock down drag out fight over what to do.
It was our conclusion that fighting ourself was not going to solve this issue. That our parts were not as strong separate as we would be united. There is truth in the phrase “United We stand, Divided We Fall.”
Only one mind, one leader could solve all the issues, so they woke me up. I believe it was only possible because I had matured along the way as I had slumbered. The only thing of me they had while I was separated was to chime my age; an age that had no correlation to my physical age. Once I had caught up, I was ready to face the world as I am. As I truly am, whole.
Now this all being said, I still have issues remaining. Those very issues that sparked the integration are now seen in a much different light. Isabella was an alt, as is Autumn and Jay. But Isa was the creative and sexual side of me. Isa is slave. In some ways I wonder if it is her being slave to her hyper magnified emotions and sexuality.
I have not been able to continue the relationship that Isa held with one particular man. I don’t even have the same drives that drove her. In fact I am finding it hard to connect to that aspect, those feelings, even those motivations. This was not foreseen. I knew there could be a loss of things and a gain as well. But something so primal, so deeply developed I had no clue could be lost.
The emotions have not been lost. The motivation and desire has disappeared. I have become selfish. I am interested in what benefits me most. I haven’t lost empathy, kindness or love. Yet where Isa was self sacrificing, self effacing, motivated by others desires of her, I am selfish, more interested in my goals, my dreams, my wants. It is very different and it points to the key issues that were behind the fight with myself, between the alts.
Autumn was the fighter, the protector, more logical yet with a creative streak as well. She was the rescuer as well. She feared that integration would allow the nature of Isabella to become the whole. She was wrong and looking back now I can see that wasn’t even possible. Autumn represented the strength to over come any obstacle set in my path. It took years for her to grow as strong as she became. She could bet Isa in a fight and their were many. She even grew to learn love and friendship. She learned to not be afraid of her nature or afraid of rejection for it.
And it’s odd. All these parts are me. All that they learned was what I learned. Their growth is my growth. Their relationships are my relationships. And one of them has broken.
Where Isabella could say she is slave, I can not. I have no idea if I will ever be. I can not even say I am submissive. Autumn could only say that she was non sexual. So what does that work out for me? I have no idea at all. It is something that I know I will decide as I continue growing and learning.