I think i fell in love with a Narcissist.
He is a strong charismatic dominant figure with a way with words and a poetical soul. In short everything i could dream of. Intelligence and depth; except that i had no clue that his depth was only a reflection i was putting out there. I was falling in love with a projection of who I thought he was. I choose to ignore the troublesome red flags that popped up from the beginning.
When am i going to learn that i really need to learn to listen and trust my gut?
Everything between us happened so fast. Instant fast. God, the mental chemistry was hot, so fucking hot i was walking around scorched one side and down the other. I choose to ignore and bend on things i knew
damn well that i shouldn’t.
I should have stopped and stayed away. It took a whole lot of pain to pull away the first time. The chemistry was strong. I wanted to become what he wanted. I wanted to do, to be that, do all that he asked and thought. It excited me as much as it did him. We were both getting what we wanted as long as i did as i was told and didn’t question him or my feelings. If i had only followed blindly, i think we could be happy. But it wouldn’t be me, it would be a lost version of myself.
And this second time around, painful still, i fell into love. How cruel i have been to withdraw my obedience yet not deny my love? How cruel is it for me to say i have issues with topic x, y and z? How cruel is it to admit the amount of waiver i experience?
And it has ended no differently than i expected once i figured out the rules. He wants to be the greatest purpose in a woman’s life, to the level of being the very reason she breaths. Such high lofty ideas, hmm?
I saw a picture in my G+ that went like this “you’re the reason she breaths? How about oxygen? ” it cracked me up! Yes, breathing is automatic and without it life ends. So can i extrapolate this idea to the point where it is an expression of she lives only for you…that her life is in your hands?
I don’t think this is a healthy or even reasonably thought to maintain about a relationship. And who am I to fuss about this? I am the one who wants a Master, that i can worship both in body and in soul, someone i will look up to and admire, someone who knows me insight and out and sees me as more than i am and encourages me, a Master who is not afraid of me, my temper, my moods and the changes, someone who is genuinely interested in me. I know this is a tall order. And i should also add, someone who i can be fully free to be myself with, flaws and all. I want to be able to touch the person, curl my tender scarred heart at his feet Knowing i am safest here in his shadow.
I wanted to believe he was my dream as he wanted to believe i was his.
Might i have made some mistakes? Yes, quite a few sadly so. Still learning to be strong and to not waver. It’s never good to bend for curiosities sake. Red flags are there for a reason. I am going to miss him as time goes on.
But to beg to be taken back? No. I didn’t beg, ever. I will not beg. Had to be instructed to beg and whimper. It is not in my nature.
Why didn’t i see it till now? His ego is huge! Barely know him and i should be begging to be with him? I should be talking and begging to be on the phone with him? That i should read his mind and know open ended things are set ups for me to act on?
Hell, he even prompted me to say i love you at the end of the call. How much pompous is that? He wanted his ego stroked. He went so far as to give me the tools to do it. Funny that way. He had to train me how to stroke him right.
If i am right, six months I’ll hear from him again. No apologies, no fixing what went wrong, but it will be good, damn good. He knows money is an issue with me and so is independence and having limits. I am curious as to what he may come up with. We need to stay away from each other honestly. Toxic fire. Just on the off chance i am wrong, still would be best for him to stay away from me. Just too toxic, so not good for each other.
I may bend. It’s the snap back that catches folks off guard.
And here is to hoping that brutal honesty will burn that bridge down good.