It’s strange that I’m not used to it yet. I am almost always the oddball, the extreme line, the other viewpoint, the devils advocate; I am often the one not expected to be in the room. I’ve gotten used to ignoring personal bias in favor of believing that such thoughtlessness could not be malevolent. Just how off left of center am I?
Well, I carry a lot of labels at anyone time. Female, mother, sister, daughter, wife. Bisexual, Polyamorous, open marriage, multiple partners. Kinkster, submissive, slave, switch, Domme, online, real life. Religious, liberal, UU, Pagan, Eclectic spirituality, convert, humanist, agnostic, mystic.
I could keep going on with the labels but it’s like this in most areas of my life. I always seem to be quite a bit over to the far ends of things on what it feels like most subjects. So I am perhaps a bit more aware of everyone’s personal bias and assumptions. It’s natural to think everyone else around is like you, even if they are not. I even fall into that trap myself.
Especially over polyamory.
And where does polyamory get the short end of the stick? The kink community.
I attended an online discussion the other night and as insightful as it was, I walked away quietly seething. I was once again sitting on the far left of everything. And because words are powerful, I listened and recognised that everyone was speaking from inside their own bubble of biases and viewpoints and assumptions. But it’s those biases and assumptions that have me seething.
Single, heterosexual, monogamous kinkster is not and should not be viewed as the mainstream in BDSM community, either on-line or not. People make up such wonderful varieties of personal expression, that to speak with the assumptions that everyone is that flavor of cookie is incredibly rude.
For all that the community does in trying to be open and accepting, sometimes it falls down to how much the individuals of the community are willing to be open and accepting.
I’m Poly and married. Any idea how much I get to hear in discussions how married people are cheaters? Any idea how much I hear married listed as a red flag of danger? Any idea how much I hear scorn spoken because some Dom/me has more than one submissive? And if poly is mentioned, it’s quickly given a nod but the words and attitudes remains unchanged?
What ever happened to your kink isn’t my kink? What happened to all that acceptance that community has touted about? Human nature has again stepped in. Let’s be honest, we want to hang around folks that are like us. So, why do I constantly find myself on the far side of center almost every time?
Facilitators, speakers, presenters; words can hurt. A careless thought, an unquestioned assumption can do damage unexpectedly. The world has more variety, more variations than just the standard sugar cookie. If your words and assumptions only apply to one variation, are you aware of it; do you state that, are you willing to own that?
I am that person you could be accidentally insulting, degenerating, harming.
I am that far left off center but I look just like you too.
I am a part of the community but I don’t feel welcome to be me.