-the examination or observation of one’s own mental and emotional processes.
This year I am doing things differently. Typically I avoid the end of year review till the last day and often extending it till five days into the new year, all the while avoiding anything of a deeply personal nature. This year I started taking a good look at my life, my actions and my mistakes I’ve made starting on December 1st. I’m just coming up for air as I write this.
I know I am a reflective person yet introspection is different. I find that I am willing to hold up the light of truth to my character and examine it for flaws and errors to seeing out the best way to patch and repair the holes. What I find good is that I am standing still, letting that light shine in to reveal the shadows of my soul. I have no idea why I thought hiding from myself was worth it. The pain of it, the pain of being me…can never heal if I refuse to accept it as part of being me, part of my past and not live in that head-space any longer.
I thank the gods that I am such a record keeper. I write, journal, record so much in words, pictures, phrases and even calendars. I can piece together more often than not whatever missing pieces that may occur.
It is those very records that have shown me the existence of a huge flaw in my character. I simply do not ‘see’ positive and loving actions and motives if it is towards me. I not only don’t remember then, I don’t recall them, I don’t feel their impact either. It is as if I immediately shied away from it, as if terrified and erased it from my mind.
Such behavior can not be healthy at all. It has not been healthy. It’s been a source of fights and issues I can see now. I want to be loved so much..and yet I had no idea that there was a wall there preventing me from seeing that I am loved. I don’t think this is a natural part of my personality. It taps into a deep core of pain and I am on the verge of tears just to open up and write this. Whatever the core of this is, is so far back in the past I may never find it or I may know exactly what it is too.
This very well could be a behavior I learned from my mother. She was big into saying ‘Don’t say you love me, show me instead.” However she didn’t react well to verbal words of affection or even acts of love and care. I knew those words were a problem for me, just wasn’t aware of how deeply the issue went.
My mother was the first pattern of behavior that my life is based on. As it is for any child, they learn not only from what their parents say but as well as the behaviors their parents exhibit. As adults, hopefully we spend a lifetime correcting and adjusting malformed behaviors.
My mother had deep emotional scars. Even as a child I was aware of them and in awe of her personal strength and never held her in fault. I understood the grip that her past had on her and that she wasn’t always able to control herself. But I knew she was the best that she could be; and I was proud of her for that, and that it was a daily struggle she went through. And I realise now that my emotional side did not escape the impact.
I am the product of at least three generations; on both sides of the family tree, of domestic abuse, childhood sexual abuse, depression and alcoholism. And I see the threads of scars that go back further than me in my behaviors and thought processes.
Love does conquer all. I had to love myself to see this wall was there. This barrier that’s build on the lies like “I am not worthy of love, I am not lovable, If they knew me, they wouldn’t love me,” and the sheer mistrust in motive on a perpetual level that it overrides what one’s own eyes see; is coming down. I am tearing it apart piece by piece.
I will see clearly. I will be open to the fullness of life’s experiences. I will not hide behind walls. I am moving forward, my heart lighter and strong.
I love myself and I am worthy of other’s love.
I love, worthy.