I’ve wanted to write more here about my polyamorous journey for a good long while. But privacy concerns has left many things unsaid for the public eye. Things in my life now has me seeking the lessons that I’ve learned over the years to make sense of my current relationships.
To give some background this past March I had to say goodbye to my lovers, best friends and chosen family as they prepared to make a multi state move far away from me to better themselves and their children. Saying goodbye to that part of me that has been for the last seven years was, in a word, painful.
I find it amazing that my capacity to love hasn’t diminished. My love for them is still as strong and I miss them terribly. The first few months was a doozy for me. My routine was instantly changed. I found myself with time on my hands and no drive to fill it. I was grieving my loss. Thankfully I had support of some wonderful friends and the support of my Master to get me through this with smiles.
What occurred to me is that perhaps poly folk are more experienced with break ups and with moving on. It’s something I think a lot of us face. And the way we face it that defines our character. I seek the silver lining in the middle of the gloom and hold on to that as I wait for the clouds to part and sun to shine its lovin’ light on me again.
I had seven years to deeply love a man who I’ve loved since we were kids. I found a deep and abiding love with his wife; I can’t help but grin when I think of her. She’s an awesome woman with a heart of gold and a great fit for him as his wife, lover and playmate. I miss her so much it’s hard for me to entertain the thought of being with another woman.
We both have families with kids. Our commitments had always been to our families first and we all understood that, accepted that as proper and made our decisions accordingly. You see, they still want me to pack up and move out there with them. And I want to, for selfish reasons but things give me pause. For us, I don’t know if it would be a good move, so here we stay.
Family first. Such an odd idea for me now as they just as much a part of my family as I am to them. I’ve wondered if I was commitment phobic; if I just didn’t have the drive to truly go after what I want. I’ve wondered if it was just all a bit of good sexual fun and nothing more. I’ve even wondered about the nature of life partners and marriage and how those concepts work in polyamory.
Sometimes we just have to accept that sometimes people are in our lives for a season and make the best we can with the time we have. They will always be part of my family, a great big extended family build on friendship, love and a commitment to see the best for each other. Even if it means saying goodbye.
If the winds were to blow my little ship back into their path again, I am sure I would be received back into their loving arms. It is that thought that warms my lonely heart.