Writing 101: Serially Lost
This title has me wanting to run away screaming. I’ve lost too much in my life already to start digging up the past and old hurts and pains. If only I could lose the loss of loss.
I’d rather lose my heart over and over again instead of the pain I have endured so far.
I love too easy, too quick and sometimes too soon. Being a hopeless romantic is a whole garden of rose bushes. Sometimes you land on the soft petals and sometimes all you get are the thorns. hehe Either way, I’ve cursed loved, begged for love and even been in the deep throws of the ecstasy of love just to watch it later end.
Strangely enough I keep my heart well guarded, fortified by strong walls and all sorts of defences. Every so often someone is waved passed all my defences to stand before the last brutal gate. sighs Why am I talking about all this? Serially lost, lost in love I guess. Is it the chase? The dream? The connection? I don’t think the why really matters at the moment.
He was a red-headed little boy with blue eyes and freckles and we were in the third grade. His smile lit up my world. I can remember just how his cheeks formed the cutest dimples at the sides as his eyes twinkled with mischief. I wanted to have his children and he never really saw me. I was an awkward gangly weird girl who wore dresses and played with the boys at recess. I didn’t act like a girl. You could find me in the sandbox, playing with blocks or even playing tag football just like all the other boys. I was surrounded by boys who saw me and liked me and were my friends. But I never saw them because I had eyes for him. I must have made his life hell.
I’m not proud of what I did as a child. I only know as an adult that I had no way to show affection except for what I learned from the boys. I shunned him, picked on him, singled him out at every moment and no one noticed that anything was wrong. I tried hard to leave him be once I realised that we would never be friends, never play together, never be anything but a memory. It’s a bittersweet memory of my sweet red-headed freckled little boy. I still remember his name after all these years. I can say I loved him. I loved him the only way I knew how as a weird little girl in the third grade. I wonder what his life has been, if he ever had adorable red-headed children, if he ever found a love to sooth the hurts in his life. I wonder if he ever found happiness. If there was something I could tell him, it’s that I’m sorry. I had a crush on him and behaved badly.
It’s a bittersweet memory of a smile, a boy of so long ago and emotions I could not understand or express. It’s a love lost in time.