I’m sitting here sipping on a cup of coffee as I hear the rain pour down outside. It’s a perfect Monday morning for deep reflection and I have a lot of it to do. So many things going on in my life all at once and the amazing part for me is that I haven’t been derailed by it all.
Emotionally I’ve been whacked to hell and back and somehow I am still standing, smarting and with a few new scars but still standing and able to find a smile in the day. I’ve kept gratitude in my heart at some of my lowest moments and have found that honest gratitude is healing. It’s not the easiest thing to learn to do or the easiest habit to cultivate but it is worthwhile.
I do post or rather repost prolifically on G+, mostly stuff on quotes or things of the moment. I would love to somehow hook my G+ to this blog just to be able to keep the stream of thought all in a single place.
Looking over my posts I can see the waves of emotions that have poured out of me for the last several weeks, much of it dealing with a relationship that burned hotter than the sun and faded to a painful nothingness in less than three months. All I have left are memories and smiles; simply because I don’t wish to remember the hurts and the pains.
In all of this, I endeavored to learn more about myself than I had before. I love fiercely and deeply. Sometimes too quickly. I give way too much of myself and sometimes in that giving I cross boundaries that I shouldn’t. In being both poly and kinky; ah what a combination!, deeply knowing and understanding my own ethics and boundaries is a hard taught lesson. I simply can not be all things to all people, much less all things to a single person. Even if I so desire it, I have responsibilities I refuse to shoulder aside.
I have a core to me that’s made of iron and steel. Some things I will not yield on and that makes me smile deeply. I feel that I have learned some very valuable lessons here about myself. I know my worth. I love myself. I’ve forgiven myself. I look forward each day instead of backwards. I truly know the meaning of gratitude. I have a smile deep down inside of me that shines. I know bad days follow the good. I know that every trial brings new understandings.
And I miss him. I miss the good and that is what I will hold on too. I am not the same person in any way that I was three months ago and that change is for the better. I have sat up and grinned from this all. I feel my eyes sparkle because I know now…thought is creation…and I will learn how this will change my life.