One day I will stop running into walls at full force.
I don’t think I’ve ever discussed this topic here like I’m about too. I’ve put a little bit about this in my about me section and the scars of abuse section. But I’ve never opened up to many beyond a clinical examination of what happened to me in my past. And now it’s the month of June and I had thought that perhaps I have moved beyond most of the scars just to have it hit home again that I have so much more healing to do. I still remember the fierce convection I had when I told myself that I will not let this change me. I just did not realize that the abuse already had changed me.
I have spent years researching and working on self-improvement. I understand what’s wrong now far more than I ever had in years past. I can see the triggers and the mal formed coping mechanisms. I can see the week boundaries. I can see the lack of self-love I have deep down. I can see now I still hold a measure of guilt. I see the problems. I can say I still have problems. This is a good thing. Knowing the issue is the first step in solving it.
Why am I saying all of this? June itself is a trigger. It’s one I am taking back and rendering powerless. I will not allow this month to cause me to run away in fear and sabotage my life at every turn. I have nothing to fear from a month. I have nothing to fear from this month. I have nothing to fear from memories. That is the past and it is in the present that I live. I refuse to live in that place of long ago every time this month rolls around. I refuse.
But how do I do that?
This year I had a bit of a break down that I haven’t had in years. Comparatively, it is a minor one but it was drastically high on emotional self sabotage. I’ve been in a heighten level of fight or flight and as the days passed, it kept increasing as I did not turn my inner eye to watch the emotions. It increased unchecked, unnoticed to myself. I did not recognize the signs that I know full well are signals of this increase; physically flinching upon touch, inability to sleep, lack of appetite, increased coloring of world view in a black and white viewpoint and the one that drives me nuts, the constant clenching of my jaw.
I boiled up. The perverse thing is, once the emotions build up..release from them is often by acting out on them. So this leads to self sabotage, running away, not facing the issues and often creates more issues that distract from the real core of the issues. All this because I failed in being mindful of my emotions. The problem is my father first raped me this month, the month of my birthday and my body remembers and tries to run, run hard and fast away from the worst birthday present a child could ever get.
There. I’ve finely said it. I can see it. I know it. I render to the past. I refuse to keep running. I refuse. I will face my fears. They will pass through me and they will not touch me. This is my month and I will enjoy it. Without fear.