I have a problem.
I’ve thought of it as a time management problem, a priority problem, a procrastination problem, a depression problem, just plain lazy problem (that one did no good for my self esteem) or anything else that got close to describing the problem.
It’s a priority problem alright, just not the one I thought it was. I thought I had lost my time management skills. Forgotten how to set list, check off the to-do’s, and plan my day according to a schedule. But I don’t think that’s the issue.
I haven’t valued myself enough. I haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve tried to do too much for everyone else, ignoring my own needs in the process. My kids were on the top of the list and I was on the bottom. And I never got to the bottom of the list because I’d flip right around and start at the top again.
My problem is far deeper than just a need to take five to take care of myself. I need to learn how to be selfish, how to put myself first and take care of my goals in life without the guilt of not taking care of everyone else. I need to stop avoiding my needs and address them head on.
Realising what exactly the problem is explains a lot to me. I never could understand what happened to the “me” before I assumed a lot of responsibilities. I was driven, goal orientated and a planner. I had not planned for what happened. I tried to roll with it but I see now that I lost myself in the process. I did not value me enough.
I resolve to value me each day.
I resolve to take care of my needs and not ignore them.
I resolve to “mother” myself.
This all ties into several mantras I’ve practiced for the last few years;
I deserve to be Loved.
I am free to be Me.