New days should bring new hopes at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
I’m in the process of reinventing myself, my blog and my life from this moment forward. Some things I’m doing my best in letting go. It’s hard so very hard. My marriage is over and has been for years. I just went though the motions, pretending that everything was fine even when I knew it wasn’t.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last three years. I’m grown so much more than I ever thought was possible. I’ve learned that having boundries are healthy and okay to have. I’ve learned that it’s okay to say no and stand by it even if it hurts. I’ve learned that it’s okay to say I need and I want. I’ve also learned that I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve believed in the idea of ‘true love’ and ‘love ever after’ and that ‘love conqures all’ but I’m becoming cynical in the heart department. Love doesn’t conque all, only death does and taxs will haunt you past death.
I don’t know if it’s possible to have a happy divorce but that’s what I’m trying for. I had an unhappy marriage so maybe some universal balance can be attained with a happy divorce. What worries me the most is my children, my beautiful girls. I never wanted this for them. I don’t want to raise them as a single mom, a devorsee. I never wanted this for my life. And yet I can not see any way around this.
How am I to explain to them as they get older why mommy and daddy got divorced? How could I burden them with the that? For now I know that just a few words are needed, that mommy and daddy love them both and that this is best for everyone.
I just wish I could believe it myself. I wish I wasn’t hurting as bad inside as I am. I want to have the biggest toddler temper tantrum in the whole world but I can not even get the tears to flow. I’m still trying to take in this new reality that I’ve found myself in. I asked for a divorce and yet I had no idea how much this was going to hurt. I’m still convinced that in the end this is the right thing to do, for me and for my girls.
I’m waking up to all the mistakes I’m made in my marriage. I’m awake to all his mistakes too and how much we’ve compounded the problems. I’m starting to see myself and my actions with new eyes and that hurts. I don’t like what I see.
I feel like a failure. I never saw myself married to anyone but him, ever. And now I see myself living the rest of my life single and alone having failed at marriage. I failed. I quit. And now it’s beyond over, nothing left to salvage, not even broken dreams. Those are shattered in the dust.
Polyamory kept my marriage together for three years longer than it should have. It kept me distracted from the real problems until they grew too great to ignore any more. My relationship with A, ‘friends with benefits’ is all it ever was on his part and that was confirmed by him. Yup, those are his words in quotes. I feel like a fool. A bitter, tired and sad fool of a woman.