Monday was such a disappointing day. Oh, the would have’s are just killing me.  If things would have worked out……this would be a much sexier post. My lil girl was a screaming and just in general not happy. So mommy was just about ready to rip hair out just to feel better. But the situation improved, I got the message. My daughter wasn’t happy no matter what I did. Okay, okay…I get it. I’ve been well-trained by my daughter. Some things are just not ment to be yet and it’s my turn to go and pout. Le sigh.

But after dealing with such trials and disappointments, I had to go out and pay my phone bill. Which turned into a total adventure, with me seeing more that a few very cute hinnies. Ah…the joys of the mall and Best Buy and 7-11 and of course scoping out the parking lots. I don’t know why but all the nice looking guys were out and about and my mind was still on sex. This is what happens when I’m frustrated. I see nice squeezable hinnies everywhere. Hmm.. I was drooling. Nice tight jeans….tight thighs…….ah.

But that’s beside the point, as it is my custom to weigh in when I pay my bill I did so. And I’m so ecstatic!!  I’m now…….wait for it………239 lbs!!!   I’ve lost 19 lbs so far!!  Ya!!! I’m on the ball and doing what I need to do. I can not wait to buy a whole new wardrobe when I get to my target weight of 150 lbs. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to look but I know that’s what I want. I want to be thin and I want the guys to break their necks in looking. lol Just a little ego talking but seriously, I’m tired of all this weight from having kids and from my childhood. I’d like to try for another child but I don’t dare risk it without dropping the weight. I want to look in the mirror and see the me I know I am looking back.

I couldn’t even tell you when was the last I was 150 lbs. I know it must have been way before I was 14 years old. I packed on the pounds after my mother died and kept packing on the pounds until I was a size 24. That was enough for me and I fought my way back down to an 18 and stayed there for years until the kids. Now I want to bust though that size 18 to reach those lower sizes….like a 14 or even an 8 if my body type will fit an 8. I have hope, I have desire and I will not give up nor quit until I reach my goal of 150 lbs!!

But will a healthier lighter me be a sexier me? I sure hope so.

Last few days I’ve returned to to see what’s all going on in the groups. I’ve been looking for relationship advice for some of the issues I’ve dealt with, in myself and with my partners. And I’ve learned that some places I just can not expect advice to be given there, too many close minded mono women. I have hope that I can find a support system with Fetlife or at least enough open-minded people to converse with on the issues of poly relationships.

I’m just smarting a little from my last encounter with A. There is that unsettling feeling of being snubbed but I’m not entirely sure if it’s just the way I took the situation which was a mess from the beginning or if that is what it is. But whatever it is, I left him feeling lonely and unloved and definitely not enough physical touch time.  As I had posted for my status on FB, “I’ve put down the torch to embrace reality. And my heart has shrunk from lack of sustenance.”

I’ve tried to let go of A and I think embracing reality just might finely kill my love for him after-all. The idea saddens me but I can not continue to carry the torch as I have since I was 15. He is the greatest love I’ve ever had. But I’m finding reality to be more surprising and unexpected and exciting than a torch carrying, even if I lose my greatest love.


About Isabella LeCour

She is nothing more than the collections of thoughts placed into the virtual worlds. She is a poet, a mother, a lover, many things to different people. But mostly, she is nothing but smoke and mirrors - some ethereal thing that blinks in an out of existence.
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