I’ve been too busy running from my problems.

I’ve been far too busy for my own taste. And I didn’t make time that I need to write out what’s going on inside my head. I don’t even know what I’ve done to take up my time in the last week. It’s a struggle to recall. So often I’m living in the moment, not considering the recent past. I’ve started to do more forward thinking and that is the biggest the change. I’m planning and making lists and checking them off. I’m moving and doing. Not stagnate anymore, active.

But even in all of this I do think that DH would prefer that I wasn’t like this. I don’t know if it’s Dh or my reaction to his emotions. I’m facing up to the reality that a lot of our marriage problems may be all in my head. Or it’s more like the littlest negative emotion that I perceive from him just crushes me. I don’t know if this is an aspect of the abuse I’ve endured from the past or not.

I don’t like it. I want, nay I need to change this. I will not stand this anymore. I must have my own life. I must be able to function without just loosing it when he has a hissy fit. I’m just starting to realize that he’s been having hissy fits. I’ve had blinders on all this time. No wonder I couldn’t see what was going on. I know I still have blinders on. I’m going to take them off as soon as I get my fingers wrapped around them.

I was wondering if this latest episode was more hormonal than reality based. I’m currently on my cycle but I’ve been taking St. John Worts so I’ve been better off emotionally. At least I’m not getting tossed back and forth in black waters. But I know I need to start recording the things that are bothering me. I can not rely on memory.

I’d love to know what other SAHM’s days are like. Are their DH’s all a-holes most of the time? My darlings LO’s get up between 4:30am and 7am and it’s a full running day from there. I’m lucky if I can get them to nap. Sometimes I can get Abby to nap twice a day for an hour and half each time. Emy sometimes naps for about two hours, again if I’m lucky. But when DH comes home, the whole mood of the house changes.

The kids all swarm him and he, well he’s not appreciative of it at all. He can’t ignore them because they won’t let him. My LO’s can be aggressive in getting that affection. No need for me to ask where they got that trait from.They got it from me, but I’ve suppressed all these years after it bit me in the ass. But his reaction to them is of resentment, or at least that is how I perceive it. That is what bothers me most. He only gives them what they demand of him, enough for them to leave him alone and that’s it. Nothing more.

Abby has gotten to the point that she wants her daddy in the evenings. She’s enjoying falling asleep in his arms. If he ignores her, I will be dealing with her, trying to get her to go to sleep for hours. The latest incident, she stayed awake till 10:30pm, until DH when to bed. Poor thing wasn’t happy. It doesn’t help that everyone is fighting this bloody cold. No one is feeling good, not mommy, not daddy, none of us.

But, damn. Tonight DH decided to eat with me on the sofa and afterwards he took her from me. She was asleep within minutes. Minutes!!!  It’s all she wanted, some daddy love. Why is it so hard for him to interact with us?

Some things have never changed. He still falls asleep by 9pm every night. He still has no real friends or any social outlet. He’s very much a loner. I thought I was one as well but I’m only a part time loner. I know I need people and I seeking them out. This whole life is one continuation of the same thing. No meaning in my marriage beyond my kids.

I’ve been saying that the marriage is for the kids and it really hit me that’s is absolutely true. I got married so I could have kids, that they would have a father and that they would be raised in a decent home. I can have that with my DH. Even despite the fact that dh is an inattentive father. I just have to dial back my expectations of our relationship and the responsibilities. I need to dial back my sensitivity to his emotions and continue growing that steel backbone that my oso has helped nourish.

I get so frustrated with him. I am angry. I am mad. I am disappointed. I am hurt. I am anything but happy. I want more from life. I don’t think I can take being a SAHM. Not like it has been. It’s too isolating, too alone, too much of the same four walls day in and day out.

What do I want to? Escape. From what? The emotional prison that I live in at home when he’s home. I do not like feeling like I’m on pins and needles when he’s here. I’m looking at him to direct things, to set things in order but it never happens. And when I try to take control and set things right, I get arguments, stall tactics, and general unrest from him. I feel that I can not accomplish anything unless it has his approval and I can never seam to get it. It’s driving me nuts.

I just want to be loved. I want to feel loved. I want to wake up in the morning and to roll over and look into my lovers eyes and feel the love between us. I want to want to jump out of bed and shout from the rooftops that I love him or her. I want that intensity, that craziness, that all consuming, soul searing love. I want to be able to close my eyes when I go to sleep knowing that someone one loves me with that intensity, as I love them.

I don’t have that. It’s just a dream, an eternal dream that is elusive, ephemeral.


About Isabella LeCour

She is nothing more than the collections of thoughts placed into the virtual worlds. She is a poet, a mother, a lover, many things to different people. But mostly, she is nothing but smoke and mirrors - some ethereal thing that blinks in an out of existence.
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