I find it hard to belive that I’ll never have J in my life again. She has been a constant presence for such a long time. I don’t understand her reasonings. I was trying to just stay civil and keep the status quo. I’m more upset about losing contact with her daughter. I’m going to miss her. I’m going to miss watching her grow up even if it’s from afar. There is a price to everything and I guess this is one that I’m having to pay.
Today has been so much like all the others. Dh comes home and the same ole same ole never changes. I’m dealing with a man so much like my father that it’s scary to me. I see my kids react much like I did when I was little. They storm him once he comes though the door just to get his attention. After just a little bit, he’s already disengaged from them and they are back under my watchful eye. His attention has completely gone elsewhere. It makes me want to scream in frustration. I don’t understand. Does he care or does he not know what he’s doing?
I had a unplesent surprise tonight. I noticed that Dh had melted a birthday candle on top of the toaster oven. The wax had melted into all the crevices of the toaster. I don’t think I trust it to be safe enough not to catch fire anymore. I tossed it out. What really angers me is that he didn’t notice the candle on top of the toaster in the first place. He’s melted countless bags and assorted plastic gee gaws on top of it. I even had my measuring spoons melted from being left on top and him not noticing. I don’t get it. I can’t leave anything on top but that still doesn’t prevent things from being melted. And what does he say to me about all this…..nothing. Not a damn thing. Even Emy asked me what was wrong. I told her mommy was a little mad and she said to me that it was OK. Did dh say anything? No. I don’t even know if he actually hear the exchange between me and Emy. It’s just a lot of little stuff like this that’s killing me.
I’m living with a stranger, a friend, a room-mate but not a life mate or a lover. I can’t see how what I’m going through is acceptable as a marriage. To me it’s not acceptable. It’s nothing but frustrating. I don’t want to live like this day in and day out. I don’t want to live like a slob all the damn time. I want to see things stay clean for once. I don’t want to clean up behind Dh all the damn time just to keep the place clean. I can’t even expect that if I tell him one hamper has clean clothes and other empty one is for dirty clothes that he’d follow that an’ put his dirty clothes in the empty hamper. Instead I’ll find dirty clothes on top of the clean clothes hamper or on the damn floor. It doesn’t matter how long I keep reminding him or how long I’ve kept the system in place. It makes no difference. He puts his clothes anywhere he wants but he’s not the one that has to deal with it. I am, because I’ve reached the point that I can’t take a slobby house anymore. I can’t do it.
I know I’ve personalised a lot of this. I just see his refusal, his inaction, his inability to understand where I’m coming from as his not caring. I feel that if he cared more about how I felt and how I was reacting that he would care and there for make some changes. Hell, even talking to me about this would be a big change. But that hasn’t happened. He just wants me to keep house and he feels that it’s alright for him to play king of the castle.
I don’t want him touching me, kissing me or anything. I summit to him giving me a peck when he is leaving or returning. I’ve had a hard time accepting any hugs from him. I haven’t been able to return the hugs every well either. But I’m glad he’s stopped saying I love you to me. It was making me feel a bit guilty because I refused to say it back. It was sound ungeuine to my ears when I repeated it. My sex drive with him has hit the bottom. I’m not in the least interested in having sex with him. I’m still interested in sex. I’m starting to masturbate more and play with my toys. So I know that nothing is wrong with me medically in that department. I just don’t feel aroused with him. I feel furious, hurt, angry, disappointed and unloved. I don’t feel a connection with him and I haven’t felt one in a long time. Once a upon a time there was connection but it has grown weaker. Now it’s just gone.
Emotionally I think I am purging. Purging all the negative, frustrations and pain that I’ve carried inside from this relationship. I have never had the chance to express what I have felt so it’s been building up. Like this, a few days ago I realised that I was deeply bothered that me and Dh got married the way we did. I wanted to have a one year engagement and to plan out my wedding. Instead my future mother in law buys my dress from K-Mart on the clearance rack for $6. It was a $60 dress that I had my eye on but still. Damn. He pushed aside all my feelings on waiting and told me that he’d make it up to me. How? He can’t give me the wedding that I wanted. He can’t give me back my engagement. He can’t give me back my self-respect. His reasons for pushing aside my plans were unfounded. His parents would have come to our wedding if we asked them too. They sure have been highly involved in their granddaughters lives even though they live several states away. Just because they were in town for Jason’s probate didn’t mean a wedding had to happen. Looking back I think he latched on to me so he wouldn’t be alone and he used whatever it took to get me to do the deed. So that I was his lock stock and barrel. I should have waited. I should have stood up for myself. I should have….done things differently. And I’ve been angry with myself over this issue. I fucked up.