I don’t know where I’ve been in the last week. It disappeared in a blur. A lot of things have changed. I’ve changed. Friends have changed. I’ve gained some and lost some. My priorities are still adjusting to my new world view. I’m feeling all the bumps and bruises I’m giving myself.
I’m trying to follow my bliss. And I’m afraid that along the way I’m going to upset the apple cart and make people miserable. Strange how that works. I have issues, lots of issues. I’m even willing to bet that a lot of my marital problems can be traced back to that. Or to the abuse that I’ve endured. As a child and as a young woman.
I’m growing a backbone. No longer willing to sit and wait, no longer willing to wait. I’m so tired of waiting, waiting for him to change even though I don’t want to ask him to do so. It is such a strong need in me for him to change on his own willingly. But in a way I have set him up by not informing him of the very things that bother me so strongly. That’s going to change. I’m becoming vocal about everything. I’m trying hard stay level-headed and use “I” language when I speak to him. Hopefully it will take the sting out of things. But I don’t have much hope for that.
Part of me wonders if I’m trying to tear apart my marriage or am I trying to give it the last-ditch chance it has. So much I have taken, so much have not spoke, so much of me is broken. Deeply broken. Too many of the people I surround myself with think I’m already a hard person. I don’t want to be hard. I want to be kind and gentil and loving and supportive. I want to be happy. It takes me down a notch to be treated as a hard person. When folks think of you has hard, they treat you hard and unfeeling. They don’t consider how you feel. It’s as if it doesn’t matter. It’s much worse when it’s your own husband and your own friends doing it.
For several years I’ve been saying to DH that he doesn’t know me. I think I’ve been right all this time. He’s gotten me wrong a lot. He doesn’t look deep inside me to see what makes me tick. Now, A sure has hell does see. Could never get any thing pass him. It’s damn annoying but it doesn’t hurt like not being know or misunderstood. A stands in a startling contrast of relationships to DH. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with A but our relationship has been built with communication and care. I don’t take a thing with him for granted. I think DH takes me for granted too much too often.
I don’t know why relationships stale out. There isn’t a single relationship I’ve had that’s continued. Every single one of them has ended for one reason or another. I don’t know if this is an aspect of growing and growing older or what. I don’t even keep friends. I do alright for a few years but then something happens and it’s over. The latest causality was J. She’s been a friend from High School and I had thought that we’d be friends forever. Hell we were still on speaking terms after 14 or 15 years. But in the last three years many things have come up and I have found myself unable to forgive and forget.
For a long time I’ve held some bitterness towards J. I find her tiring to deal with. But she has her problems which are much larger than mine. She invokes that aspect of me that wants to rescue her, to save her from herself. But I’ve always thought that the success of our friendship was more due to our flexibility and to our lack of day-to-day interaction. She’s just not the type of gal who chats on the phone or type up a storm. Although many times I wished she was like that with me. I just wasn’t that close of a friend. The total lack of reciprocation on her part hurt me but I learned to accept it. Total betrayal changed forever the way we once were.